A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
How old were you when your spouse died? How does your age affect your self-concept now that you're on your own?
I'm interested in hearing from widows and widowers of all ages to know what it's like to be a certain age when you have your loss. We have widows and widowers of all ages here on Widowed Village and we all must have some different viewpoints depending on our age.
So I was 44 when my husband died in '06. I felt surrounded by intact families with moms and dads..and I was out of place and out of sync with my friends who were no longer single but also had never experienced being widowed. I felt so different from everyone else. I felt like a lonely loser at times. I hated going to my children's school events alone or to social activities.
I also felt too young to want to be without a partner, so I wanted to date and to be part of a couple again. But I felt like being in my mid-40s was a terrible age to be single because there would be no one to date who wasn't either divorced after only being married briefly or a little old to still be single. Also, it was hard to talk to my friends about dating. They were mostly in mid-life marriages and didn't really want to hear about my dating...so that felt a little lonely too. No one to compare notes with. I felt like I wished I didn't have to date again, yet I think it made some of my friends a little jealous to think of me getting to do that again. Again, I felt very out of sync with my peers.
I also felt like it was terrible to lose my husband after we had done the hard work of raising young children and then they were just at an age where travelling and doing stuff with them would be so much easier now that they weren't really little anymore.
I felt like it was unlikely I would ever find someone else again.
Views: 8847
Replies to This Discussion
-
Permalink Reply by triplemom3 on -
I feel very meloncholy today...it is 20 months today since I lost my husband, and I don't really want to spend the next a10 or 20 or 30 or 40 years alone, but no one will ever match up to what we had. We moved into our parents' houses together, we had children together, we went thru the hell of 2 rounds of invitro toether, we should be raising them together...Is that wrong to still want someone to share experiences and laugh with and feel close to? Raising 3 14 year old high schoolers on my own is very trying and difficult, even though my family offers to help, it is just not the way it was supposed to be...As I was driving last night, I realized that I won't ever have him again, and I will never love the same way, but maybe I can find a relationship that starts differently and takes me on a different journey, on a different path that I may have not taken before...Then, just after that thought passed through my mind, I found myself apologizing to him, apologizing for trying to move on. I can't wrap my mind around caring for anyone else anyway, due to some of the current circumstances. It is not something I can "move onward" from because I will soon have to move backwards and reopen every wound that was trying to heal... I know he would not want me to be unhappy, at least that is what everyone says, but maybe I just don't deserve or want or am destined to find someone to be with...sorry to be such a downer today...I usually try to be so upbeat, but some days I just feel like I am out on my own and not able to be myself or share some of the accomplishments that I have learned, or thank some of the people who have really touched my life because I might be negatively judged by some...this really sucks
-
Permalink Reply by Marsha on -
((((triplemom)))) Don't ever apologize for being human and wanting to have someone to spend your life with. You are feeling a lot of what the rest of us feel and think. Hard to imagine being with someone else but wondering if I want to spend the next 20+ years alone. This is a new experience and we all will figure it all out as we go. What is right for me will not be right for someone else. Here everyone understands and accepts. We are safe and there are no negative judgements. Good and bad days are a part of life but seem to be more extreme as widow/ers. Know you are not alone and WV is here to support you.
-
Permalink Reply by Lisa (lost) Lamb on
-
I'm so sorry triplemom3. It's so unfare that people judge us on everything we do, or don't do. if we don't move on, If we move on to fast, If we cry each day , If we don't cry, if we don't spend our money in the right way. I also try when I can to be up beat, But then I started thinking, "try" is the key ward. Why should we have to try? If I'm going to work through my grief I need to feel the emotions that I'm having and not "try" to make them something there not. I hope I'm not talking crazy, just something to think about.
-
Permalink Reply by Kim C on
-
Lost lamb:
I think we are entitled to cry & be pissed off whenever we want! We gave the ultimate. Lost everything that kept us safe & loved, secure & comforted. Now we have nothing.
We can grieve & it is right to feel WHATEVER we are feeling at ANY given time! Until that person has walked in my shoes - they better re-think what they say. I cry at Home Depot because I am mad I have to deal with weather stripping & insulation! Yeah, may be crazy to some just walking by but - too bad. I don't want to be doing this stuff Richard used to take of. Now it's all on us & it stinks - so CRY whenever it comes. If I see you, I'll have a extra tissue for you! Hugs.....Kim C
-
Permalink Reply by gcortez55 on -
I was 32 when my husband died. But since he was much older than I was I never felt like my life or world was over. Looking back on his life and where his experiences led him helped me to look forward to my future and where this experience of grief will lead me. As far as social outings, I don't mind going alone. At 14 months out I have no interest in dating. I still have a strong emotional connection to who he was. Having casual "encounters" with someone ( note:that word is NOT plural) has helped out a lot with physical needs but my emotional needs are still full from the memories of my marriage.
-
Permalink Reply by Patty Sue on -
I was 70 when my husband died; he was 72. it was amazing how many people my age or younger around me had also been widowed -- some I had known about and some I hadn't. We had spent a lot of time doing what we both wanted to do since 8 years previously when my husband had been diagnosed with kidney cancer which he pulled through with few side affects. When he died of a stroke 2 months ago, I was so grateful we had spent the money traveling and doing things together. I still felt cheated out of years together. I too feel out of sync since most good deals aim at couples.
If the right person came along, I might marry again (we had been married only 20 years), but my husband would be a hard act to follow. I feel I was very well loved. Not so sure I would find anyone interested in me at my age; I am still active and play tennis regularly -- mostly on all-female teams; they are a wonderfully supportive bunch of people.
At my age I have gone through pretty severe grief before and know that I will survive it and discover strength in myself that I didn't know I had. The sadness is sometimes a pretty heavy price to pay for that self-discovery.
Good question -- made me think a bit -- even though the major part of the replies are from several months ago.
-
Permalink Reply by Susan B on -
I'm 62 now was 60 when Keith died July 2009. The first two years I've spent with training wheels, getting used to being alone, running the house (or ignoring what can be ignored) and just now I'm finding the lonliness hard to bear. I yearn for male company, not so much for the sex, but for the mental and physical sharing of space, companionship, the connected-ness of a loving relationship. Yearning to be yearned for by another kindred spirit.
I've recently met a man through my work who is a special soul, and I'm smitten, but he really 'doesn't know I exist' to use the common phrase. Plus he's about 10 years younger, with a grown daughter. I assume he's a widower but don't know for sure. But these "crush" feelings for him remind me what involvement of the heart feels like, and I know I could love again. So I hope I can keep an open mind and heart, and that I'll find love again. Despite my aging body and my quirks, I think I have something to bring to a relationship. We'll have to see.
-
-
Susan: I am feeling exactly what you are! The loneliness is so painful & the male companionship/point of view is deeply missed. Having a challenging conversation in the evenings or anytime was something I truly cherished....I know what you mean.
I haven't met anyone but it has entered my mind as to what would I do?....It's scary to me. Do you feel any guilt or betrayal by having this crush? I am afraid to let my mind go that far. I don't know if it is the guilt or the fear of possibly losing a possible major love again. Just couldn't bear it.
-
Permalink Reply by LLM2 on -
Susan: Wow. I am thrilled that you've allowed yourself to 'feel' again! A remarkable thing for sure. I wish you well as you explore your options.
-
Permalink Reply by jean on -
Susan, you absolutely do have something to bring to a relationship, you have tons! Keep smiling and doing and moving, I've got you in my prayers lady to find everything you need for a full and happy future. :o)
To hear that your heart feels 'smitten' brings a smile to my heart! Here's to all of us to feel smitten again. The word itself is fun.
"I yearn for male company, not so much for the sex, but for the mental and physical sharing of space, companionship, the connected-ness of a loving relationship. Yearning to be yearned for by another kindred spirit."
Me too Susan, me too..:)*raising my coffee cup* Here's to you connecting with this man you are smitten with, to form a wonderful friendship with! That is where it all begins :) ((hugs))
-
Permalink Reply by LLM2 on
-
I am way too young to be widowed. On April 1, 2010 I was widowed at age 45 . My love was 56 when he died of liver cancer. We were together for 13 1/2 years, but only married for 362 days, We had no kids -- I never wanted them and D gave up on the idea years before we ever met.
I still consider myself married so there is no way I am open to meeting or dating anyone. I know I could change my mind in 30 or 40 years, but not now.
I still don't like to go to events w/more than just a couple of close friends -- unless it is a rather anonymous event, like a movie or concert -- but only if I go w/a safe person.
I am so lonely most of the time - even though I have many close friends who wish they could make it all better.
I spend most every night in my bedroom reading, watching TV and playing on the computer, (and/or crying) like tonight -- it's 148am. (Did I mention that I moved into my childhood prison I mean home w/my widowed mom right after my husband died?)
If I'm not doing that, I am spending exorbitant amounts of money on travel and/or gas as I drive around town, going nowhere. My brand new car is only 9 months old and it already has 15K miles on it!
Overall, I am completely out of sync w/my peers, co-workers, staff, family, friends -- everyone, except ya'll. And, I don't think they know what to do w/me either. Sort of an impasse.
There are so many things I miss but sleeping next to my love, our legs intertwined, has to be the thing I miss most of all. That, and slow dancing in our living room.
It just sucks.
-
Permalink Reply by NikkiPea on -
I just lost my husband 3 weeks ago (Dec 11th, 2011) after 6 months of marriage (thankfully we were together a total of about 4.5 years) I just turned 21 two weeks ago... I have yet to meet a widow as young as me and so it makes it very hard.... heck it's just hard period - doesn't matter how old you are. It's just being in a different stage in life. I'm still in college, no kids, my whole life ahead of me... etc etc. I really didn't know a life without Spencer. We had a long distance relationship in HS and then I moved for college and we hit it off in person which led to us getting married. We knew that he was going to pass away, as he had Cystic Fibrosis and many complications and so we wanted to maximize every second we had together... We just didn't expect his passing to be so soon =/ I'm still kind of in a shock phase - but starting to come out of it as reality is hitting me... Not quite sure how this whole thing works. It's very overwhelming. Not sure where to turn.
It's also really hard because I can't really connect to anyone my age anymore - they don't understand the loss of your everything. I finally was able to connect with a few people being married young and that was great. But now that my husband is gone - I don't really have any friends who get it. My high school friends don't really want to deal with the emotions I have.... they don't know HOW to deal with it.
I think the biggest part for me is knowing there is so much left of my life and I have to start fresh... get my life back on track... Understand and realize that the goals and plans we made for the future are no more. It's hard.
This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people
Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.
Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.
We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."
HOT TOPICS!
© 2013 Created by Supa Dupa Fresh.
