A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
How old were you when your spouse died? How does your age affect your self-concept now that you're on your own?
I'm interested in hearing from widows and widowers of all ages to know what it's like to be a certain age when you have your loss. We have widows and widowers of all ages here on Widowed Village and we all must have some different viewpoints depending on our age.
So I was 44 when my husband died in '06. I felt surrounded by intact families with moms and dads..and I was out of place and out of sync with my friends who were no longer single but also had never experienced being widowed. I felt so different from everyone else. I felt like a lonely loser at times. I hated going to my children's school events alone or to social activities.
I also felt too young to want to be without a partner, so I wanted to date and to be part of a couple again. But I felt like being in my mid-40s was a terrible age to be single because there would be no one to date who wasn't either divorced after only being married briefly or a little old to still be single. Also, it was hard to talk to my friends about dating. They were mostly in mid-life marriages and didn't really want to hear about my dating...so that felt a little lonely too. No one to compare notes with. I felt like I wished I didn't have to date again, yet I think it made some of my friends a little jealous to think of me getting to do that again. Again, I felt very out of sync with my peers.
I also felt like it was terrible to lose my husband after we had done the hard work of raising young children and then they were just at an age where travelling and doing stuff with them would be so much easier now that they weren't really little anymore.
I felt like it was unlikely I would ever find someone else again.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Marly on
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I agree with that, Jill. At 55, I should be sitting on the sofa at night watching baseball with Jimmy, not struggling to make ends meet, wondering if I'm going to be alone the rest of my life. I hate this!! Sometimes I'm happy - today is not one of those times. I think I'm just tired of it all. I just want normal again - but I don't think I'll ever get it.
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Permalink Reply by Robinak on -
I was widowed at 44 and Rob took ill when 42. I had to resign to go to treatment with him. So, needless to say it's been very hard. I am now 48 and feeling like a total loser. I still have not gained steady employment. Someone younger always is hired in good positions, so I end up with a degree and experience working at grocery store, waitressing, and too many jobs just to make ends meet. I had no time to grieve having to work one week after his death. I had no choice, no insurance, no money in bank (cancer is expensive) and no transportation. I do have a trailer thank-god.
I was working so hard that I ended up making myself sick. Oh, also, my kids all left home. Grown up. No support from family since his just were always so...distant. I mean when I called his brother to let him know he said, "oh okay." and hung up. That was it.
My family doesn't live up here. So I'm isolated. Folks said they would help me if I needed it, but disappeared. I never get invited anywhere. I suppopse they feel it would be awkard for them or me who knows. I know at this age, I do not want to put the energy into a relationship, because you rarely find the "one" first time out. It's so much work.
I have a hard time knowing what I am supposed to be doing or who I am. Its truly weird. Its three years will be four in Nov. The pain has gotten a little easier to deal with, but as for my career its over and no chance to get one. Plus I now that I am ill, no one to help. Not that I'm asking, but a little would be nice. I find myself one of the numbers who cannot receive retirement, social security, disability, public assistance, medical assistance nor food stamps. So I stand in the line at Salvation army waiting for my handouts in a small town where people talk.
The worse thing of all, folks talk as if I wasted an entire fortune my husband left me. Really? LOL. We had nothing, in fact, the business I had on the side that was quite profitable was liquidated to get him the help he needed. Nothing. SO what we had been building to "enjoy life together" was gone in less than a year for medicine and cancer treatments. No we did not qualify for medical in any shape or form. It was rough.
So now I am going to sell the trailer get an RV cheap, as long as it runs, that way I at least have a home, and a folding white plastic picket fence so that I have a "home" no matter where I end up. I can no longer live in my home. Can't afford to pay for it. So I figure I better get something while I can. Since employment is a farce here average wage is 8.00 to 9.00 an hour yet rent is up to 1200 and for heavens sake a gallon of milk 5.00. Realistically, although it seems like I am a nutcse, financially this is the smartest thing for me to do.
So I just make a laugh of it all and keep going. What exactly else can you do? You do what you gotta do to survive.
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Permalink Reply by IronBear138 on -
I was 49. Still trying to figure out were I fit in life after almost 6 years.
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Permalink Reply by Lin on -
From everything that I am reading, we are going to have to develop a new "normal" for ourselves. I agree with you, I just want what I had and don't want any new normal because it's not my normal.
No one to talk to when you get in bed at night, no one to cuddle and feel safe with. I just can't imagine how this is going to be or work for me, not now nor in future time. I want to ask why, why, why, in a few years or so we were both going to be retired and have such a relaxing, non stressful, happy time together. So many plans now gone and only emptiness left.
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Permalink Reply by Sharona on -
I am 36 and my fiance died 3 months ago. I have a 15 month old, a full time job, and (luckily) lots of friends and family that want to meet up with us on the weekends. I am scared to death at the thought of being alone forever and never finding a love like I just lost. But, on the same hand... I don't know how I will ever find the time to date when I am ready. And... what effect will it have on my daughter? How could I ever possibly find someone that will be as good to her as her Daddy was??? Ugh, this just sucks.
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Permalink Reply by twinsmum on -
I was 40 with 11 year old twin boys. It was April 2010. I had been married for 14 years and together for 17 years. Yes we had our ups and downs but I definately saw us living to an old age together and we already had made plans for when the kids were older and we could escape in our camper around Australia.
Yes the sound is so familiar. Most of my friends are all married - some are now going through messy separations or divorces which in reality doesn't even come close to me. I feel like a 3rd wheel as well. Getting a babysitter is hell! I hope to meet some one again as I don't think I could cope with being single for the next 40 years. And again at this age most people come with baggage - including me - with kids, a separation, divorce or other issues. I hope there is someone else out there but the problem is they are not my DH! He had is faults but he also had his qualities. I don't want anyone else....I want him.
I miss having someone around to halve the burden of life, to cuddle up to, to kiss and hold and someone to just be there, to be my friend through thick and then.
I don't want to have to meet someone knew who has to learn all about you and your faults too. For someone new to even see me naked again scares the living daylights out of me. My hubby knew me and my body. I did not need to be embarrassed or cover anything up about me. Not sure if I can allow anyone else to see that side of me.
Anyway you get the drift.......What does the future hold!
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Permalink Reply by Jill on -
Indeed. What does the future hold? Certainly not what we expected, right?
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Permalink Reply by Jenre on -
I was 27 with a 16 month old, most of my friends are married too, and years later there are still times that I feel like a fish out of water. I just found this site and was hoping to find some sense of normalcy.
I have dated a few men over the years, but I always seem to find the ones that expect me to take care of them. Most of the time, it does feel like there's no one else out there for me.
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Permalink Reply by Jill on
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At least here on WV, you will certainly find people who get what you're going through. Glad you found it!
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Permalink Reply by Sharona on
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We have so much in common... my fiance and I were together for 5 years and one week before he passed. I too have a young daughter who was about to turn one when her Daddy left us. Now I am left to figure out all the legal stuff, what to do with 2 properties that are in different names, etc. Many things are more complicated when you are not legally married. Hang in there.
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