A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
How old were you when your spouse died? How does your age affect your self-concept now that you're on your own?
I'm interested in hearing from widows and widowers of all ages to know what it's like to be a certain age when you have your loss. We have widows and widowers of all ages here on Widowed Village and we all must have some different viewpoints depending on our age.
So I was 44 when my husband died in '06. I felt surrounded by intact families with moms and dads..and I was out of place and out of sync with my friends who were no longer single but also had never experienced being widowed. I felt so different from everyone else. I felt like a lonely loser at times. I hated going to my children's school events alone or to social activities.
I also felt too young to want to be without a partner, so I wanted to date and to be part of a couple again. But I felt like being in my mid-40s was a terrible age to be single because there would be no one to date who wasn't either divorced after only being married briefly or a little old to still be single. Also, it was hard to talk to my friends about dating. They were mostly in mid-life marriages and didn't really want to hear about my dating...so that felt a little lonely too. No one to compare notes with. I felt like I wished I didn't have to date again, yet I think it made some of my friends a little jealous to think of me getting to do that again. Again, I felt very out of sync with my peers.
I also felt like it was terrible to lose my husband after we had done the hard work of raising young children and then they were just at an age where travelling and doing stuff with them would be so much easier now that they weren't really little anymore.
I felt like it was unlikely I would ever find someone else again.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Stezzy on -
I know what you mean Hope, everyone of my mates is only just or hasn't even thought about getting married and here I am widowed it just seems so messed up. Its Jane's birthday in August and then in September will be what should have been our first wedding anniversary. I get so angry some times and feels so unfair it just never feels like something should happen when your so young yet here I stand. Its only been 3 months and I've got no idea what to do I don't feel like I can ever really be happy again without Jane here..
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Permalink Reply by NMWidower on -
Oh Stezzy and Hope my heart goes out for you both. It is hard to lose a spouse at any age, but losing one so young is certainly heartbreaking. I think it may be difficult for your friends to relate as they dont have a lot of life experience now and its hard to face death when one is younger. I think Dianne already noted its pretty common to feel disconnected no matter what age you are in.
If I could encourage you all in this it would be to take this time to grieve. Grief is a long road full of many ups and downs and I think its very hard for even ones who have had a loss to understand ourselves and nearly impossible for someone who has not had a loss to fully comprehend too. If you can find a local grief group that helps so much and know you have this site too. I would definitely recommend some type of grief counseling too just to help you process the difficult road of grief.
I know there are no words I can say that will make the pain go away but I hurt with you both and want to send you both a HUG to know people here hurt with you and understand how difficult this journey is. Just take it one day or even one hour at a time as you need to right now.. Pat-NMWidower
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Permalink Reply by CrazyWidow on -
Ugh, that just sucks. Many of my friends ran too-they all were starting their own lives and I don't think wanted to be jaded that mine ended so quickly.
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Permalink Reply by Dianne in Nevada on -
It just hurts my heart to read of your so recent losses at such a young age, Stezzy and Hope. I'm pleased you've found Widville where you can share your feelings with those who understand. Unfortunately, friends often disappear - whether you are young or old - so having this place to come to is so helpful to our healing. Keep talking to us, to each other. Try out the chat room sometime, too. That's a wonderful place to get to know one another better. We're here and we care.
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Permalink Reply by Stezzy on
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I've been thinking about counselors NMWidower just havnt phyced up for it yet. I think I may have gone back to work a bit early but I didnt really have a choice with the funeral and all the other costs I wouldnt have been able to afford it all (we didnt have life insurance didnt think this sort of thing would happen to us I guess). I'm still waiting for the results of the investigation into the crash as well which has made everything else a bit more intense.
I don't know why I have this adverse feeling towards conseling both my parents and my mother and father in law have been onto me to go.
Did counseling work for anyone else?
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Permalink Reply by hope on -
ive been considering counseling, but im not a big fan, we were told many times during jason's treatment that we should go to counseling but didnt think it would do anything for us, we had eachother to talk to. also, unsure of how to pay for it, jason didnt have life insurance, our health insurance was thru his work, so it ended the day jason passed away. I havent gone back to work yet, i havent even gone back home. i am staying with family and have no idea what i am supposed to do next. I am so annoyed by people giving me advice, when they have NO clue what i am going thru, it constantly feels like they are telling me to get over it already.
i completely agree with you Stezzy, so lost at such a young age, never imagined this would be my life. thats great that you have such a great support system from your parents n in-laws though. my in-laws have completely stopped talking to me, not that we had the best relationship before, they accused me of everything but Jason's death {as far as i know they havent accused me of that} my brother is the only person in my family who has said i should try counseling, and he is probably right, but i am with you and have an adverse feeling about it, just dont know how telling someone my problems will help, ive only ever been able to open up to jason...
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Permalink Reply by NMWidower on
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Hope I know early on I felt similarly to what you and Stezzy did about counseling. The key thing I think in grief is to find a way to effectively process all of these crazy emotions and things associated with grief whether it is in a group session ( I liked griefshare classes myself) or in a 1-1 counselor. I and most others were completely unprepared for what grief would be like and how much it impacted our lives on so many levels these are things that helped us work through grief and not just postpone grieving. I think there is such a temptation to run from the pain that its easy to hide and never really work through it that a group class or a counselor can help you work through those things. It also helps that they know what grief is really like. Griefshare classes for me helped me understand how grief impacted my life and how to work through it. That I think really helped me a ton. I was very lucky to have a great class and good instructors. I took the class three times in the first year and it really helped me quite a bit. A counselor is challenging without insurance. Heck they are costly even with insurance, but many group classes have little or no cost and can help too. There is no one answer that fits everyone, but its good to know how different things can help or things that may have helped others so you can know what might help you. It does help to do something especially as the initial shock wears off and the emotions really ramp up to have people to talk to in real life who understand.
Bless you both as you also walk this difficult journey. Pat-NMWidower
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Permalink Reply by CrazyWidow on
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It took me until after 2 years to finally go to a one-on-one counselor. I did a lot of the work myself, now working through the major trauma part that I didn't realize I had. I do believe you'll know when the time is right to reach out for that kind of help.
Like NMWidower said, Griefshare helps many people, but it does have a religious perspective, so be aware of that depending on your beliefs.
I found my local Hospice loss of spouse support groups most helpful in the beginning despite the vast age differences. I was the youngest in my class by at least 20 years.
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Permalink Reply by julieann48 on -
I was 42 almost 43 when John died in 2010. Sometimes I think about dating and moving on, but it all seems like so much work. The first year was really hard, I too felt so out of place and felt like the 3rd wheel. Now after some time has passed, I still think about it, even have had my eye on a few guys, but, the thing is, I'm learning to like who I am and just being with myself. There are times that I do get lonely, but to me, it's not a necesity to have someone again. If God puts that person in my life, well then "so be it" otherwise I'm fine being alone.
The thing is with me tho, I'm a late bloomer you might say. I did go from mom and dad to being married, then I was divorced and then dated John for 12.5 years and then we were married, only to lose him 15 months after that. I'm working on a Master's degree and after thatI will have a good paying job and lol, plan on living the life I should have lived in my 20's.
I don't want to sound crass, but I've learned that nothing in life is for certain, and I've learned that the only people that can make us happy is ourselves, not someone else.
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Permalink Reply by Greggies Widow on -
I too lost my beloved when we were 25, Im 16 months out. I was so blessed to have the time Greg and i shared together and I did think i would ever find him. But God is so good. and i am so thankful that i got the time that i had with him, even though he was taken much to soon and much to young. Ill be 27 in Sept. We were engaged and no kids. So its just me and kitty.
I dont identify with people my age. There are not many people my age who can mark off widow at age 25.
Most are finding their spouses, getting married, having kids, etc. I no longer fit into that category, in fact, i was robbed of that and those milestones in life with my Greggie. Single friends i dont really fit in with either, as i dont consider myself in that category either. And its just different than people who are single and have not experienced loss.
I think its also difficult to loose your beloved at such a young age, because people in their twenties, dont think about dying, most dont experience a significant loss in their life. its not a reality for them in most cases. Thats great that they dont, because i would wish this upon anyone, or loss in general upon anyone; but its harmful to those of us who do experience because our peers dont understand nor try to and the world we live in doesnt support grieving and mourning. We live in one that is so individualistic and we're just expected to move forward like alls well in the world and nothings happened and bounce back.
Which any of that is hard to do when you feel like your life has been ripped away from you and you feel robbed of your life and future with your beloved.
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Permalink Reply by Wahine Erin on -
I am 28. Saying that makes me sick. I am only 28. We had so many plans, babies to raise, trips to take. We were supposed to grow old together. I dont get it. People say that Im still so young, and will find love again, but that makes me sick too. I cant imagine finding a man willing to take on the baggage of a widow and two little boys. Although I dont want to be alone forever and I want my boys to have a father figure in their lives. It makes no sence because they had that and with the blink of an eye, he was gone.
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Permalink Reply by Samwitch on -
Sunshine-
This is exactly what I have been thinking for months! Eric was a generous and giving person, and he wanted nothing more than for me to happy. I, too, have had friends wilt away to the background. I often felt isolated and even worse when I hung out with my married friends. I think it was hard for them to see how things can turn so quickly. From the date of Eric's diagnosis to his death was only 2 and a half years. Nothing! As far as other men, I know better now. I don't have to waste time on someone who doesn't understand me or give me what I want. Eric wants me to find someone who is worth my time. We have gone through something so heartbreaking, but it's not the end, just another mile marker. I have taken on Eric's strength as my own. Keep your head up and your heart open. Now that you know what love is, you will know it when you feel it.
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