Members

This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

How old were you when your spouse died? How does your age affect your self-concept now that you're on your own?

I'm interested in hearing from widows and widowers of all ages to know what it's like to be a certain age when you have your loss. We have widows and widowers of all ages here on Widowed Village and we all must have some different viewpoints depending on our age.

 

So I was 44 when my husband died in '06. I felt surrounded by intact families with moms and dads..and I was out of place and out of sync with my friends who were no longer single but also had never experienced being widowed. I felt so different from everyone else. I felt like a lonely loser at times. I hated going to my children's school events alone or to social activities.

 

I also felt too young to want to be without a partner, so I wanted to date and to be part of a couple again. But I felt like being in my mid-40s was a terrible age to be single because there would be no one to date who wasn't either divorced after only being married briefly or a little old to still be single. Also, it was hard to talk to my friends about dating. They were mostly in mid-life marriages and didn't really want to hear about my dating...so that felt a little lonely too. No one to compare notes with. I felt like I wished I didn't have to date again, yet I think it made some of my friends a little jealous to think of me getting to do that again. Again, I felt very out of sync with my peers.

 

I also felt like it was terrible to lose my husband after we had done the hard work of raising young children and then they were just at an age where travelling and doing stuff with them would be so much easier now that they weren't really little anymore.

 

I felt like it was unlikely I would ever find someone else again.

 

 

 

 

Views: 50569

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

Thank you. All my friends bar one are in happy relationships and yes, it makes me privately sad. I don't begrudge them their happiness because I was in a little bubble of absolute delight for 28 years with one other occupant and I wish everyone could have that too. Did wish last year that I could tell those couples few who clearly weren't in a love bubble how lucky they were a) to even be on holiday and b) still to have their partner. Cherishing should be your priority, not argiung about who sits nearest the window/pool/door - whose turn it is to walk ten paces to the bar and so on? Being with sad couples makes me slightly more mad than being with happy ones ... but yes, couples in general are unsettling and just bring the "what if" thoughts. Sorry for the ramble.

i work with almost all married people who go straight home after work and there isn't much camaraderie there,.   People have their nose in their work and that's it.  I just don't relate to them anymore.  I need to be around different people.  I'm going to retire in three months, pretty soon after i'm eligible. 

I think that it's a positive thing you recognise that you still need to be around people - that came as a surprise to me, realizing I need them. I have a widowed persons walking group I meet with where, strangely, Jeff isn't always on my mind. And then a meeting group of married and single women who do a whole range of things like dancing, theatre, meals out and so on, that I wouldn't do alone ... but I love coming home and shutting the door behind me, too. Hope you plan to do something positive with your retirement that brings you some peace and satisfaction.

Tate, I totally understand the feelings around couples.  Thankfully, none of my family, friends or friends of friends or co-workers have lost a spouse.  Absolutely no one has been through this.  All friends and family members over the age of 30 are married.  Those who used to complain about the spouses in the past now have a better appreciation for them after my husband died.  

I'm finding myself preferring to being alone then being with couples and trying to pretend that either I fit in or that I'm not hurting.   

Hi. Yes, I'd rather be alone too. I do go out, but it's as a single person as part of a group of singles and mostly singles. I do volunteer gardening at the church where Jeff is buried (I take a flask of tea and we chat, even though we talk all the time at home). But I actively avoid coupledom situations now because of the potential for distress. I have a real problem coping with stress now.

I was age 55 when I was widowed. This was in 2008. I am just beginning to get excited about life and doing things again. I still don't watch British comedies, because that is what my husband and I always did together. I do not grieve anymore, but remember the good things that we enjoyed as a couple. The camping, fishing, hiking, talking, and just being near each other.

A year ago, my best friend said I should start dating or she would find me someone. She was widowed in 2005 and now lives with someone and has adopted her 4 year old niece, Madeline (a.k.a. Maddy). I am maddy's honorary aunt and adore this energetic girl. I did as my friend suggested and looked up an old flame of mine from my home town. His name is Davy, He was my first crush and first time i kissed a boy (he was 16 and I was a mature 14) year old). To my surprise, Davy (David) was widowed, a father of two girls, and a cat lover. I thought perfect, I have two sons, and a cat lover too. We went on a few dates, which led to many more. After a year of dating, we are now officially proclaimed boyfriend and girlfriend. When he kissed, me after our first date, he said "It's been a long time": I replies, "Yes, too long". 

Now I feel like an explorer of a new life. at 63, I am as happy as a teenager facing the dating challenges. I am wearing makeup again, fixing my hair, ( am letting it get longer because it makes me feel more feminine) I am experiencing the butterflies of romance again, he is the light of my world, and we are talking of eventually living together. He helped me set up a small art exhibit at a Good shepherd Lutheran church. On June 8th, he helped me get set up for a major art exhibit at the Anderson-foothill City Library in Salt Lake City. which runs until July 20. He likes to have me read my poetry that I write. Even my writing has improved and went from tragedy based, to positive, spiritual, and humorous based.

I still remember the years I wasted wallowing in my own misery and feel that I should have started enjoying life sooner...but I was married for 28 years to a wonderful man...and now I feel connected to another one. how can a person ever get that lucky? i feel a bit guilty sometimes, but for now, I will just enjoy life and all it has to offer in my senior years.

Jo, that is wonderful. I was also widowed in 2008 (Dec). You know, I don't think we waste time grieving--it is necessary in order for us to move forward and create a new life (role) for ourselves. As each year passes, we see changes in ourselves. Timing is important also. We need to be emotionally "ready" if we chose to enter a new relationship.

I hope things continue to go well for you. Your story can help to inspire others here. No matter what our life choices or situations, we can achieve some degree of happiness in time. It may be hard to imagine while we are grieving and in so much pain, but it can actually happen. Best wishes!

I was 61 and he was 67. He was my rock so being on my own as been a shock but after 4 years am coping better and know this is what he would want. I have 5 sons but have found after time they expect you to move on and don;t understand when you spend over 1/2 of your life with someone there will always be a huge hole in your heart. Been 4 years but still miss him everyday. At my age I have accepted that this is now my life and try to make the most of it, heartache and all.

Im so glad you posted this topic. I lost my husband in December, he was 34 and Im 38. We were together for 5 years, married for one. We were going to try to start for a baby this Summer. I too feel like you - friends are married, or divorced with kids or single parents, but none are widowed. I am thankful for widows groups in my town, (a support group and social group) plus I see a grief counselor, but this is an inexplicable loss to understand. Even my widows support group has women in their 60-70s who
Were married for years, like my parents, who dont necesarily know what to say to me since my situation is so different because of Rons age. Like we hear so many times, this is a club no one wanrs to belong to, but I feel very angry and robbed of the life Ron and I had yet to live.

Hi All,

I was 29 when my husband died and just turned 30 four days ago.

I feel completely out of the loop with everyone who was in the "before" stage of my life. All but four AMAZING friends have high tailed it to the hills and have no contact with me. All of the other friends, colleagues, church friends, social acquaintances my husband and I had before he passed have not made contact with me in the last six months. I realize this is tough for everyone, and they don't know what to say. I mean what do you say when someone loses their husband at such a young age, right on the verge of finishing college degrees, starting a family and just living a "normal" life?

It makes me feel like a leper, underscores the loneliness, highlights the emptiness, makes me very angry and also utterly sad. I am blessed and have made some new friends in my support groups and have one best friend who is also a YWW, she lost her husband to cancer a year before my loss.

I was 42 when my husband died suddenly in an accident last year (June '16).  We had been married 14.5 years, and together for nearly 20.  I have had the same thoughts as you -- who is out there?  I hear so many horror stories about ex-spouses, and what little I hear about dating these days sounds exhausting, (my friends and I had been talking prior to all this mess about how glad we were to be out of the dating phase) but I feel I'm too young to be a widow and alone for the rest of my life.  We, too, had done all the work in the beginning, raised 2 girls  past the challenging infant/toddler stages (the girls are now 9 & 11 and have different challenges, but they're certainly "easier" than babies).  I also feel that it's gonna take some amazing human to want to be with a widow, esp a widow with kids.  Know what I mean?  

I also have a hard time with other couple's anniversaries - anyone else?  I mean, I'm happy for them, but it hurts.

Don't give up hope, MPMom.  I was divorced at age 43 with a 12-year old son who was floundering in middle school and a an alcoholic ex-husband.  I met my second husband, Ron, in a theology class.  I was looking for companionship for myself but he turned out to be a spectacular stepfather.  We were together almost 20 years before he died last November.  Before he died I told him that my two granddaughters, even though they aren't blood relatives of his, are his granddaughters because without his influence, my son never would have straightened out and gotten into a healthy marriage.

I'm 64 and I'm actually hoping that that part of my life isn't over yet.  I don't want to remarry (too many legal/financial entanglements) and I'm not sure I even want to cohabitate, but I wouldn't mind having another good man in my life.

RSS

© 2017   Created by Soaring Spirits.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service