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How old were you when your spouse died? How does your age affect your self-concept now that you're on your own?

I'm interested in hearing from widows and widowers of all ages to know what it's like to be a certain age when you have your loss. We have widows and widowers of all ages here on Widowed Village and we all must have some different viewpoints depending on our age.

 

So I was 44 when my husband died in '06. I felt surrounded by intact families with moms and dads..and I was out of place and out of sync with my friends who were no longer single but also had never experienced being widowed. I felt so different from everyone else. I felt like a lonely loser at times. I hated going to my children's school events alone or to social activities.

 

I also felt too young to want to be without a partner, so I wanted to date and to be part of a couple again. But I felt like being in my mid-40s was a terrible age to be single because there would be no one to date who wasn't either divorced after only being married briefly or a little old to still be single. Also, it was hard to talk to my friends about dating. They were mostly in mid-life marriages and didn't really want to hear about my dating...so that felt a little lonely too. No one to compare notes with. I felt like I wished I didn't have to date again, yet I think it made some of my friends a little jealous to think of me getting to do that again. Again, I felt very out of sync with my peers.

 

I also felt like it was terrible to lose my husband after we had done the hard work of raising young children and then they were just at an age where travelling and doing stuff with them would be so much easier now that they weren't really little anymore.

 

I felt like it was unlikely I would ever find someone else again.

 

 

 

 

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I was 32, just 14 short months ago.  We have 2 children (11&12).  I am lost.

Hi Jwick - Also 32 with a young child...I get the lost feeling too...happened in early summer for me and still feel disbelief every day too...very surreal being in this club... 

Early 30s with a 9mo old baby. I couldn't stand how people would say, you're young, you'll find someone else.  Hmmm, well by the time I thought about dating, I was on the other side of 35. Available men? Um nope! If they hadn't already been married, what's wrong with them, if they are divorced...same question.  Men years younger,  well less baggage but immature, older- lots of baggage! I've gotten to the acceptance point of I'm good with doing what I want, it's wierd that married friends are jealous.? But I had my best friend who I was very fortunate to be married to since our early 20s. We got through college, careers, moves, finally feeling prepared for the next step we had just started our family. We were trying for #2 when he didn't come home from skiing that day, taking a pregnancy test after his death was unexplainable.  Our beautiful daughter is a lot of fun! And if someday someone comes along who can keep up with me then great, for now acceptance is a relief. 

i was 57 he was 59. It has been 12 months and I miss him

more. Reality has sunk in.

52, very alone. I didn't fit in at my age. I am now 54. My friends made time for me but they are not available every time I want company. I worry about me being old in the future. I still feel no need for another man. It actually turns my stomach when guys have been forward with me because they have approached me in inappropriate ways. 

I am 33. We have 2 children (9 & 10). I am so alone. 

24 years old when I lost mine 7 months ago. We had been together since we were 17 and married for almost 3 years. It's been strange because I had been with her for every change and every major decision of my adult life. Losing her kinda felt like losing my adulthood--my family and parents became much more involved in my life, I didn't know how to approach social situations without her, I went back to eating a lot of junk food because I don't want to cook as much, I have terrible sleep patterns again, I don't want to do the things anyone else tells me I need to. There's moments where I feel like I reverted back to a 17-year-old, before I met my future wife.

One of the unexpected things about grieving at my age is the fact that almost all my friends are married, engaged, or having babies (except for maybe ~4, all of whom are busy between multiple jobs or school). I feel like I can't get away from these blatant and loud examples of what I'm missing most when I'm with my friends in relationships. It's one reason I appreciate these forums here; I can see the thoughts and emotions of people I can relate to in my rough moments. 

Jill, I am turning 44 in Dec this year (2019), I lost my wife of 22 years 3 weeks ago (24th Jan 2019). Lisa would be turning 50 in Sep of this year.

My wife wrote me a letter awhile back stating that she didn't want me to be alone, and to find someone to live the rest of my life with, my daughter was around 14 when my wife stated this and my daughter was against the idea of me finding someone after Lisa passed, she only has one Mum, I asked her "so I'm supposed to be lonely for the rest of my life...?" she responded "yes".

Things have changed since then, as my daughter Ashley has a boyfriend and now understands what it's like to be in a relationship. She also made for me an amazing jump in her thought process, she stated that I had my one true love with Lisa (who I meet when I was 20 and she had just turned 27 in the Sep of 96' and I was turning 21 in the Dec 96') and that I wouldn't find that love again, however I can still love someone but that someone would be my Companion. I thought this through and for me personally I have to agree, having that companionship to go cruising, the movies or to just chat about our days is what I will crave in the coming months and years.

I am scared of being Single, I am scared that I won't find anyone to be with me or I am trying to find someone who was like my wife and that I am 43 currently and who would want me and my three kids, it is still early for me 3 weeks tomorrow (14th Feb 2019) since Lisa passed, I am not in that frame of mind or mind set to think about someone else coming into my life at this stage.

I have a great network of friends and even my Old High School girlfriend (Who is married and has three kids etc) messages me to see how I am going.

I worry about my daughter and her missing out on my wife's wisdom and ideas and thoughts.. I am lucky in some weird sense as I was the one to take my daughter to the Doctors for the Pill (Period issues) and even have "THE CHAT" about sex and I buy her pads as well, I am that type of father. I was already doing all the house work, cooking dinners, Uber Driver, Dad (& Mum), and other stuff for the last year or so as my wife cancer took all of her effort to beat or slow... 

Will my age play a significant part in how I look at the world being single.. it might as I am a lot wiser than my 20 year old self, but dating again!! I am unsure how this will work, but I am sure that my Lisa will guide me with her voice in my head when its time and we all know love can strike at any time.

You are right about other people around us who are not in a position to understand or even give advice, for me most of my friends are all married or in long term relationships with kids some a lot younger than mine, some even just starting their families... so it looks like I will be on my own, my kids stated to me the other day that I might have to go on Tinder... WTF!! No thank you... my daughter meet her boyfriend on a cruise we were on so I was told to go on a cruise and find someone, this does have some merit but not right now.

I think age does make a difference to some degree. My husband was 71 when he passed away. I was 70. We were together 50 years. We raised three children and have eight grandchildren. We were empty-nesters and retired. Despite his being on dialysis we pretty much did what we wanted. We traveled to Florida where our oldest son and his three children live. We enjoyed watching old movies together and taking the grandchildren on playdates. He was my knight in shining armor. For me there will be no one else. I miss his smile and his laughter. I miss him holding me in the evening and whispering in my ear. He was in the hospital when he passed but I remember the last conversation we had. The love and joy in his voice as we spoke, not knowing it would be our last conversation, will remain in my heart forever. We truly were blessed.

<3

TheEDCZone, give yourself time.  I lost my husband Ron in November, 2016 so I've had some time to figure out how I want the rest of my life to look (still not clear, but probably does not include marriage).  I got on Match.com last summer and one date I had was with a really sweet guy whose wife had died only 2 months before after fighting cancer for 9 months.  They'd been married 47 years.  She'd encouraged him to find happiness again and so had his friends. I sent him a note but never heard from him again- I suspect it was because it was just too soon for him.   I hope that at least he found there are nice woman on Match.com when he's ready.

And try not to fixate on finding a woman like Lisa.  You won't.  I'm now dating a man who's different in many ways from Ron- way more liberal, my age (Ron was 15 years older), teddy-bear shaped instead of long and lean, a law degree compared to Ron's partial college education (Ron ran out of money but still had a decent career).    What they have in common:  intelligence., curiosity, a sense of humor, financial responsibility, trustworthiness, genuinely caring.  I'm enjoying long talks, cuddling, and-yes- the Other Stuff, too!  Take your time, and focus on the basic values. 

Widowed at 38 here. In 2017. I'm not interested in being with anyone else, well, ever, really, but interestingly people in my life spy on me and assume I'm seeing people (I'm not but I wish their butting into my life included childcare). I have one special needs teenager and and a preschooler and life is full ... and yet empty. My husband and I had a lot of plans for our future, for when things got easier. Nobody respects that. If I talk about our plans they (family and friends) change the subject or roll their eyes. An older widow I met said that she gets lots of calls and has people looking out for her to a point where it's suffocating, so often I wonder if it's the age thing. At the moment I'd like to not worry about the kids for a night and have a date with eight hours of sleep and a box of tissues. Oh and I'd make new friends if I had the chance ... and not tell them a thing about my life ... just so I could be normal again.

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