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How old were you when your spouse died? How does your age affect your self-concept now that you're on your own?
I'm interested in hearing from widows and widowers of all ages to know what it's like to be a certain age when you have your loss. We have widows and widowers of all ages here on Widowed Village and we all must have some different viewpoints depending on our age.
So I was 44 when my husband died in '06. I felt surrounded by intact families with moms and dads..and I was out of place and out of sync with my friends who were no longer single but also had never experienced being widowed. I felt so different from everyone else. I felt like a lonely loser at times. I hated going to my children's school events alone or to social activities.
I also felt too young to want to be without a partner, so I wanted to date and to be part of a couple again. But I felt like being in my mid-40s was a terrible age to be single because there would be no one to date who wasn't either divorced after only being married briefly or a little old to still be single. Also, it was hard to talk to my friends about dating. They were mostly in mid-life marriages and didn't really want to hear about my dating...so that felt a little lonely too. No one to compare notes with. I felt like I wished I didn't have to date again, yet I think it made some of my friends a little jealous to think of me getting to do that again. Again, I felt very out of sync with my peers.
I also felt like it was terrible to lose my husband after we had done the hard work of raising young children and then they were just at an age where travelling and doing stuff with them would be so much easier now that they weren't really little anymore.
I felt like it was unlikely I would ever find someone else again.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by NMWidower on -
OH Jill for me being widowed at 39 I felt so many of the similar feelings you shared! Being left with two small kids (3 and under) also added to my sense of feeling "out of sync" as you shared too.
As I first thought about dating it was hard to think who would want to come share this burden as the early years are a lot of work that also made it weird.
Its easier now for me after 19 months and after being willing to face my hurts and anger and understand what was behind it. But I still often feel like a fish out of water too ;-)
I now have a lot more hope of finding another and have been able to come to peace that no matter if its soon or later its ok. When its the right time things will happen. I think I still felt "young" enough that I knew I wanted to marry again. I think if one is older they might feel more comfort in not marrying again but I'm sure there are no hard and fast rules.
Its amazing how no matter what age one get's here that we probably all feel "out of sync" or feel like we might never find someone again or might even feel "shattered" so much that no one might ever want us. I'm glad that healing can come again and life can one day be found again even if its still a big unknown to me at this point. thanks for posting this topic...
Pat-NMWidower
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Permalink Reply by Marly on
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Jill, I can relate to much of your post. I was 53 when my husband died in 2009. My children were from a former marriage and in their 30's. My friends were married or divorced. No one knew what it was like to be a widow except my mom, who has been widowed three times and is now 74. I felt then and still feel like I was the trailblazer for my friends. They look at me and wonder if their lives will parallel mine in the future. Being in my 50s had some benefits, I guess. No worry over paying for children's college was a plus. The down side for me was like yours - dating was and is difficult. Men are either married, divorced, or long-term bachelors. The well-adjusted middle aged man without baggage? If he's out there, I'm clueless as to how to find him! I'm way too young to want to spend the rest of my life alone, but I'm too old to given in and settle for mediocrity in a partner. I was left with a lot of debt and I'm too young for the Widow's Soc. Sec. benefit. I'm tired and would like to quit working, but that is impossible. Instead, I am looking to add a part time job to my regular job. It's rough out there for all of us - we just have different circumstances. As a whole, I'm doing well almost two years into this phase.
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Permalink Reply by lareina57 on -
HI , MY NAME IS LAREINA57, I WAS 55 WHEN I LOST MY HUSBAND IN AUGUST OF 2011. HE HAS FOUR
GROWN CHILDREN WHO I REFER TO EVIL-MINDED PEOPLE, I HAVE TWO GROWN KIDS FROM A
PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIP. IN MY OPINION , BEING A WIDOW ABSOLUTELY SUCKS AND HAVING
NASTY , SPITEFUL STEPKIDS MADE IT WORSE. I'M NOT SINGLE, I'M NOT MARRIED ANYMORE, AND
I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP EITHER BECAUSE IT'S TOO PAIN-
FUL, NOBODY FROM HIS SIDE OF THE FAMILY SPEAKS TO ME AND HIS KIDS (BRATS!) BLAME ME
FOR HIS DEATH BECAUSE I WASN'T AT HOME WITH HIM WHEN HE PASSED AWAY. I'M BEING
PUNISHED BECAUSE I FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM AND MARRIED HIM, AND THEY PRACTICALLY
IGNORED HIM AFTER WE GOT MARRIED, WHICH THEY DIDN'T SHOW UP FOR!!!! I'M STUCK
GOING THROUGH THIS JOURNEY AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Permalink Reply by greyeyes10 on -
I was 26. I still feel completely out life.
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Permalink Reply by Meg O on -
I was 26 also, It's something i never saw coming or thought possible. I wonder if we get to be happy again?
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Permalink Reply by Black Lotus on -
Hi greyeyes,
I just lost my fiance after being together over 4.5 years three weeks before our son's first birthday. I am 26 as well. I know exactly how you feel...
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Permalink Reply by Lisa ( Marielee) on
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Jill, Thank you for posting this topic.Boy can I relate!! At 48 and the only widow that I know of I am totally "out of sync" I am 11 months out and still trying to figure out how I fit. Most of my friends are married and I have had to deal with being the 3rd wheel, even if they try really hard to include me. In some ways I feel like I have lived a lifetime and in others I still feel "young". I can't imagine getting into the dating scene. How does someone do that after not dating for about 29 years? I am a person who likes to connect so I don't think I can live the rest of my life alone. It is all so strange and big. My boys are all young men and mostly on their own so that does free me up to pursue things but sometimes I don't even know how to start. Right now I am trying to keep ahead of all of the things my husband took care of. I to have hope that things will change and life will be good again some day. It is hard to plough through the stuff each and every moment of every day to get to that goal eventually. Wishing all of us peace and calmness as we put our lives together again.
Lisa
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Permalink Reply by jenn on -
this is where I am also. I was 49 when my husband passed but I have a 14yr old daughter so I still have a child / teen to take care of. I know no other widow or widower around my age and no single friends. I feel out of sic with life.
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Permalink Reply by Dianne in Nevada on -
I was 59 when my husband died last fall. We were looking forward to retirement, putting our workaholic lives behind us and enjoying time together doing things we enjoyed.
All of our friends are still long-married couples - well, that is the ones who stuck around for the 4-1/2 year cancer battle; many disappeared. I haven't yet done any 'couple' things; just not up to feeling the loss in that situation. Although I did a quick stop-by at a restaurant this week when some old friends from Michigan were in Vegas. It was ok, but I felt I had to put on an act of how well I'm doing. Some days I am ... often, I'm not ... but I try not to show that in these situations.
Our single son was 33 when his Dad died and had moved back in when he lost his job to help me care for him. There are some big issues there; hoping we'll get them resolved by the end of the year.
I don't see me ever wanting to date, so I don't have those issues. I miss Vern and the wonderful connection we had; I don't miss having a man in my life (but if I could find a trustworthy, reliable handyman - that's a man I wouldn't mind having move in next door). I went from living at home with my parents to being married at 18, so I guess I'll have my 'alone' time at the end of my life instead of between high school and marriage. I'm not afraid of spending the next 20+ years alone. I'm hoping I'll feel up to trying some new things, to do some traveling on my own, to figure out who I am now that I'm no longer "Vern & Dianne". It's not easy after 41 years, and I can't say I've been real successful these first 8 months, but there are days when I can tell I'm making progress and I know I will get there.
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Permalink Reply by pnowoman on -
Dianne, your story is very close to ours. I was 59 when the love of my life, my dear Bobby, passed away suddenly last year, July 24, 2010. We were high school sweethearts and thought this little piece of heaven would go on for many years, to see us celebrate our 50th and probably our 60th anniversaries. We were married 41.5 years. The day my precious Bob passed away was the worst day of my life---the second was his memorial on July 29. I can't see myself ever wanting another partner. I miss Bob too much and had him on such a pedestal in life that now, in d---- (can't say or write the "d" word yet), he's practically a saint. He was so gentle and kind to me, all of our many years together. He was loving, funny, supportive, protective. I thought he was perfect----he'd always laugh at that.
I thought I was doing a bit better but it's all hit me again so hard. We're just a little less than a month from the 1rst anniversary and I'm dreading it so much.
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Permalink Reply by Arlene on
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I am just like you - I will turn 60 this August and my husband passed away at 63 this past January. We were married for 34 years, which flew by - I could have taken another 34 without any problem. I've had the love of my life and don't have the time or energy to invest in another relationship. I had the best, I have never lived alone till now. Went right from my parents home to being with my husband. This past Easter, Memorial Day and the 4th of July made me realize I had never in my life spent a holiday alone till now. It's not a good feeling. At my husband's funeral, I felt compelled to make a little speech, which I could barely do, to let people know what kind of man he was, because a lot of the people there only knew my husband by the phrase "Don-and-me", they didnt know what a great guyhe was who never complained even though he was in pain, how he loved me so much that I was able to go out in the world every day and face all the crap knowing he was at home waiting for me. I can never relate to anyone what a wonderful man he was. I try to take living one day at a time because I am a bit afraid to think to far in the future. I think that I was there for him but who will be there for me when my time comes?
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Permalink Reply by WiddaWithHope on -
I am 36. I lost my husband 7 months ago. We have 2 small children. It has been difficult for me. I don't know anyone that is even close to my age that is widowed. I feel like everywhere I go there are happy families with the dad playing with his kids. I'm so mad that my kids don't get that anymore. It's just not fair. My friends have been wonderful. They come to visit me often and invite me to dinner, movies, etc which I enjoy doing but I really want to be with my husband whose no longer here. The school events have been the hardest. My oldest just graduated preschool. I was the ONLY single mom there. None of the parents were even divorced. I know there will be more of these events in the future.
I really hope to remarry someday. My husband told me too. But it's hard thinking of someone else raising his kids. He was such a proud daddy. My kids are missing so much. I think thats what hurts me the most.
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