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How old were you when your spouse died? How does your age affect your self-concept now that you're on your own?
I'm interested in hearing from widows and widowers of all ages to know what it's like to be a certain age when you have your loss. We have widows and widowers of all ages here on Widowed Village and we all must have some different viewpoints depending on our age.
So I was 44 when my husband died in '06. I felt surrounded by intact families with moms and dads..and I was out of place and out of sync with my friends who were no longer single but also had never experienced being widowed. I felt so different from everyone else. I felt like a lonely loser at times. I hated going to my children's school events alone or to social activities.
I also felt too young to want to be without a partner, so I wanted to date and to be part of a couple again. But I felt like being in my mid-40s was a terrible age to be single because there would be no one to date who wasn't either divorced after only being married briefly or a little old to still be single. Also, it was hard to talk to my friends about dating. They were mostly in mid-life marriages and didn't really want to hear about my dating...so that felt a little lonely too. No one to compare notes with. I felt like I wished I didn't have to date again, yet I think it made some of my friends a little jealous to think of me getting to do that again. Again, I felt very out of sync with my peers.
I also felt like it was terrible to lose my husband after we had done the hard work of raising young children and then they were just at an age where travelling and doing stuff with them would be so much easier now that they weren't really little anymore.
I felt like it was unlikely I would ever find someone else again.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Grits504 on -
I was 16 days shy of my 39th birthday when my husband died. I feel like I don't fit in because I'm surrounded either by married couples with children or younger people who are still going out and doing the bar/club/dating scene. Where do I fit in? Even though I still, in my heart and mind, consider myself married to my husband, I am no longer part of a physical couple. We already felt a bit left out because we didn't have children (wanted them but couldn't have them) and all of our friends had children. Now not only do I have to deal with that, but also with suddenly being a single when I didn't want to be. If I had been divorced instead of widowed 9 months ago, I probably would already be dating and wouldn't feel the same as I do. The thought of dating has crossed my mind, but I keep finding myself thinking of my husband and couldn't imagine being with anyone. Right now I just feel so alone and lost.
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Permalink Reply by cleodoggie on -
I was 56 years old when I lost my husband. A marriage filled with love for one another. Never ever was the word divorce mentioned even in fun. 56 is the average age for a widow but I am no average widow. Even after 2 years I have my sad times. I am so lonely for a man's touch and guidance. I lost all my couple friends but one and I seldom hear from her. My friends are widows just like me. My two dogs fill up alot of my time and my children don't seem to care one way or another being so busy with their own lives. My job keeps me busy too. I never knew how lonely one could be. I look at the dating sites but am scared I will end up with someone with many problems. I feel stuck and just can't seem to move on more than I already have.
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Permalink Reply by Jill on -
Wow. Is 56 the average age for a widow? Still so young to be left on one's own. I understand that feeling of not making the right choice when resuming dating, especially when you had it really good with your husband. But remember that if you ever choose to get out there again, you get to make your own choices and you can't just get stuck with someone. I think that having the strength of a really good marriage behind you is good protection against ending up with someone who isn't good for you. And I think it also really makes us yearn to have it good once again. I had a fantastic husband, and everyone would say to me "he'll be a tough act to follow." It took me a long time to wrap my head around the fact that whatever I do next in terms of a relationship will be totally different...but I'm determined to do it on my own terms.
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Permalink Reply by Marly on
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Me, too, Jill! I'll be 56 in November, and still look fairly young for my age or so I've been told. LOL There is no way I will "settle" for anything less than a good, solid man the next time around. If that means I never have another longterm relationship or marriage, so be it. I would rather be alone than with someone mediocre.
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Permalink Reply by pattia on -
Hi all, I am new here, but I will jump in. I was 58 when my husband died in 2009. I thought we would grow old together after 36 years of marriage without children. However, I decided years ago that if I was ever alone, I would not be interested in dating again. I still feel that way. I am just not interested. I feel like my romantic life is over. I know that I am not too old, but whatever looks I may have once had are gone, I need to lose 40-50 lbs., and I am shy. I spent my married life trying to be who my husband wanted me to be, but I am finished with that. I am who I am, take it or leave it. Does anyone else feel this way? But I do know of widows who have found true love again, and they have my whole-hearted support!
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Permalink Reply by MsKris12 on -
I was 43 when Steve died. I have been "on my own" most of my life from the age of 14 so I can handle all that comes with being by myself.
I'm certainly more unsure of the future because I'm older this time on my own and I am a sole parent to a young child again. Because we had Madi later in life, we were already in a group all our own, our friends had kids in college and the people with children Madi's age appeared to be teenagers! (I'm sure they are adults, however, the older I get the younger everyone else appears! When did they change the driving age to 12? And shouldn't you be able to see over the dashboard, at least??)
Not sure about dating again-we will see, because I am a more experienced parent, the thought of bringing a person in Madi's life scares me to death. However, my sister (who is also my office mate) fully expects Mr. Wonderful to walk in my life because after all I'm a wonderful person. Sure wish I had the same confidence in myself that she sees in me!
Interesting post Jill, I will have to ponder this a bit.
Thanks for listening-I am so grateful for this site and everyone here
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Permalink Reply by CrazyWidow on -
I was 24 when I lost my husband of 1.5 years in 2008. The year following I attended (stupidly) 8 wedding and 4 baby showers. It just shows you where everyone else was in their lives-starting their new happy marriages. I truly only have about 3 friends from that time period who have stuck with me, one whom is fading off. Nearly every single person who became married and invited me to their weddings those first years barely talks to me or acknowledges my existence. No one wants to be jaded by the gal who lost her husband at 24 years of age.
Let's not even go into how much of a crowd-killer it was to bring up that I am a widow. I don't care anymore, but that first year was HORRIBLE. 24 year old widows didn't exist in my book. Blarg.
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OMG - how on earth did you force yourself to even attend those weddings? Kudos to you!! I skipped the wedding of the granddaughter of a lifetime friend of mine 15 months after Jimmy died because it was in the same church as Jimmy's memorial service. I just could NOT bring myself to go there. I've since recovered. You are one strong, brave lady, and I commend you wholeheartedly for it. I like my widowed friends best these days. They understand like no one else can.
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Permalink Reply by CrazyWidow on
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It was HORRIBLE Marly. I finally just said no to my first family wedding, and of course, now I feel COMPLETELY guilty. It's tough, and still tough over 2.5 years later. Widowed friends so understand best, sometimes.
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Permalink Reply by Erin on
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I hear you on the weddings. I lost my husband when I was 30 years old and 7 months pregnant with our first child. One month after his death, I had to attend my brother's wedding. I mostly hid in the women's restroom...who wants a pregnant widow at their wedding? My poor brother. I know at some point in the future I will be glad I was there to support him, but it was incredibly painful to be there.
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Permalink Reply by CrazyWidow on
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Ugh, that sucks Erin! I was a bridesmaids in my brothers wedding exactly 1 year and 1 week after Kevin died. We were married in the same church my brother was, and Kevin was buried there too. It was a devastating day for me.
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Permalink Reply by Samwitch on -
I was just a month shy of my 29th birthday when Eric died last September. It was and still is heartbreaking to think that we won't grow up together. I feel like we had so much more to learn about each other. Eric found out he had cancer on his 30th birthday and 3 days before our wedding. I don't know what it's like to have a "normal" marriage. Mine was filled with dr. appointments, chemo and caregiving to a dying man. I look really young so most people can't believe I am a widow and have been through all I have. I try to remember that learning these lessons early on is a gift, not a curse. I am stronger and smarter than before, and I needed to go through all of this to prepare me for the next chapter. FYI- I am no longer afraid of the dark. The worst thing I can imagine has already happened to me. Plus, Eric wouldn't let anything scare me.
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