I can not believe this happened

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Permalink Reply by mmsmcmillen (Michele) on May 14, 2012 at 11:44pm

Phyllis there is nothing wrong with you.  Although it has only been four months for me I can sympathize and empathize.  Every one takes a different amount of time to grief.   No one goes through this at the same rate.   However everyone here has gone through it or is going through it.   We are all in the same boat.   The people here are very friendly, understanding, and have open arms and are warm hearted.   If you haven't already, join the chat.   We talk about anything and everything.   Also in August there is going to be a get together in San Diego.   If I can afford I might go.  I have never been, but I hear people have a really good time.   Meeting other widowed people might help.   Don't despair, you have found the right place with the right people.

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Permalink Reply by ginadf on May 14, 2012 at 11:57pm

Hi Phyllis,    Sorry for your loss.    I lost my husband Sal to cancer 2yrs 3months ago.  we were married 35yrs and hes been a part of my life since I was 15yrs old.   Just needed to respond to your post and let you know that you are definitely not the only one who feels this way and of course you are not crazy.   I just returned home from a bereavement group I attend, and asked the exact question.   Why am I still unable to get rid of this gut wrenching pain??  this hurt, this insanity.   Why does this "never end".   After listening to others who had a more recent loss, i realized that some things do end.   The enormous amount of paperwork we have to handle in the beginning,  our financial decisions become a little more clearer,  we even learn how to weave out the negative and not so understanding people in our lives.  We begin to trust our own judgements, and become proud of how much we accomplished so far.   But the one thing that does not end is the "missing him".  That never goes away, ever.  And thats ok,  because the reason we grieve so much is because we loved them so much.  I have been able to survive this through the help of the wonderful and understanding people who come to this site everyday.   I hope visiting us and listening to us will help you move through your journey of grief and your destination of peace,  a little easier.   Sending you hugs and love.                                                                                                                      Gina

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Permalink Reply by gcortez55 on May 15, 2012 at 12:56am

this happens to me too phyllis. almost 2 years out and i still catch myself saying, "no, this didn't just happen. he can't be just gone."

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Permalink Reply by kimkirt (KK) on May 16, 2012 at 9:47am

Phyllis - I do not think there is anything wrong with you. I don't know how your husband died, but it sounds like it was sudden and unexpected (mine was the same, woke up and he had died in his sleep in our bed). I think sometimes the trauma of it all may haunt us. I know I'm trying to work through that. I hope that coming here gives you hope and light. I know the people here have truly saved me. Sending you HUGS.

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Permalink Reply by Janch02 on May 17, 2012 at 6:47pm

Phyllis, oh I ask myself that same question everyday and next tuesday it will be 18 months....I wait for a day with no tears and it has not happened yet. I like Gina's insight because it's true slowly the paralysis lifts and you are making decisions and movement. But the ache of missing them...yes I fear it will never go away...I just hope as I have read it does lessen a bit and the fog clears. The site is comforting to know our feelings are universal....we all share the pain. Be well jan

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Permalink Reply by K21 on May 18, 2012 at 3:55pm

Phyllis,

I am only six months out, but the advice I most appreciated from someone was that "I should grieve, how I grieve."  If I want to cry, cry.  If I want to scream, scream. If I want to eat, sleep, go out, or even say "I cant believe this happened" over and over again, do it. 

There is nothing wrong with you.  I often wake up and ask myself, "Did this really happen, Is he really gone?" And I dont feel bad about it because no one who has not been here can understand what it feels like to go through this.  It sounds like your husband, like mine, died suddenly.  But even if he didn't, the shock is very real and you just need to "grieve like you grieve" - whatever that means for you.  WHATEVER that means.

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Permalink Reply by Always48(Mary) on May 19, 2012 at 8:06pm

Hi Phyllis...there is NOTHING wrong with you.  My Michael died suddenly without any warning 4 years and 7 months ago...I still can't believe it.  I too am seeing a therapist and am in a grief support group.  I hate it - he was the love of my life also...I use that phrase all the time because it's true.  I don't understant the "why" of it and no one else here does either.  I hate it...

Peace!

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Permalink Reply by Juliana on May 19, 2012 at 10:05pm

Luvofmylife, I love the name.  My email address is kenzmiluv.  I don't think that what you're experiencing is less than normal for one who has lost the love of their life.  I read an article by Patrick Swayze's wife at the therapists office a few weeks ago.  She was expressing the same feelings and experiences as you, and it has been two years for her as well.  We're blessed to have had them but lost without them.  I have no intention of leaving my Ken behind.  I think I'm finding ways to drag him along with me because I can't fathom life without him.

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