It's been a hair over 4 months since Gabriel left, and typically when I think of him I can conjure all kinds of memories, spun sugar and light. They keep the darker ones at bay.
When I had insomnia, we'd curl up in bed together and we'd do this sort of joint meditation - he'd speak of this cabin in the woods we'd build, an adventure we'd go on that day - "Can you see the fish in the river?" "Look at the crackling fire, what colors are in it?" - we'd lay there and talk about making our bed under a bowl of stars, the deer that would have her fawns nearby and one day gain our trust to where we could pet them. I fell asleep every single time, his voice the soothing ebb and flow of a river washing over me.
But today, I reached for his voice to pull over me like a safety blanket, the way I do in many times of stress, and I grasped at air. There was a tendril, a thread of his tenor, pressing against my cerebellum. But whenever I made a move to touch it, it jerked just out of my grasp. I realized, to my utter horror, that I've forgotten his voice now. It felt like losing him all over again - the thing that sung his love to me for months and months, night after night, day after day, and I can't remember it at all. I'd give anything to bring him home, to hear him say "I love you" one more time.
I am so very sorry for your loss. Sounds like you had a wonderful close relationship. That hole just feels impossible to fill, doesn't it?
Do you by any chance have a voice message on a phone? I stupidly lost my spouse's voice message when I replaced my Verizon account and got a new landline number. Then I wondered if the universe was trying to tell me something. After he died, I left that voice message on for months so I could call and hear it, until my family members said it was creeping them out, then I saved it as the back up message.
I also had a pot of African violets for 30 years that had been a table decoration at our wedding reception. It survived repotting and a trip to NY to scatter his ashes. Then I added some mulch, overwatered it a bit and it D-I-E-D. So I have this pot of dirt that I water about once a month, but it's not coming back. I was heartbroken.
I had to tell myself that the experience of being with him was and will always be part of me. Time passes, children grow, progress is made, heck, a new lamp is purchased, and the downside is that we get further and further away from the environment and life we had together, as little and big things slip away. It is like trying to hold onto water with your hands.
My husband has been gone just over a year. In my bathroom shower is a washrag he hung there, I have no idea how long I'll leave it there. I guess I'm just trying to hold on to a piece of him. Oh yeah, I also have a hair tie with a few pieces of his hair in it. For whatever reason it makes me feel like he is there.
That is all understandable. t's been a little over 2 years here... As time goes on, i can get rid of more things. But some I just seem to hang onto.
When I want to hear Paul tell me he loves me, I have to listen to a voicemail he sent me. It helps, but it also makes me dissolve into tears.
I was thinking of this the other day, you must have tuned in. It's been four years and a couple of months now and I have pictures but nothing with her voice... After 35 years of marriage I'd have thought I could remember her voice but I cannot. I was berating myself over it and then, I discovered a box of cassette tapes. I don't believe she kept them, and, what looks like every card for every occasion that I ever gave her! I seem to have a bonanza! I'm retired Navy, and while at sea for 9 months at a time and other shorter cruses we would exchange tapes. She would set the recorder on the kitchen table and while she and the kids were eating dinner or doing homework, they would talk, and talk to me. After the kids were in bed, she would take the tape into our bedroom and continue on with private things about the kids, school, and her work. The rest of the tape was X Rated for me. I, in turn would make a recording for her about the day, where we were and what was going on, and of course my side was X Rated for her as well. One side was chitchat and updates and the other side for each other.
You know, I'm not sure I want to listen to them and reopen the wound...Someday I'll have the strength....
I think it's great that you found all of those tapes ! Someday when you listen to them, You'll be able to listen to them with a SMILE .