There are so, so many variables to grief, I've learned. You have to be very careful with what you say because it gets taken wrong and then you feel worse, Desare. We had no kids either. No family. So now it's just me at 51. When I try to explain how it is to be in a situation in which you don't have kids pulling at you, or parents to take care of, or other obligations to take your mind off your grief, people think I'm saying that I'm worse off than others. That is not it at all. I'm just trying to say that when there are no other obligations to take you away, you fall into yourself and your grief. You relive every moment that you spent with the person and your heart breaks over and over and over again. You no longer enjoy the taste of your favorite dessert. Nothing is enjoyable anymore. You have moments at work or at some point during your day in which you smile or laugh and then express surprise inwardly that you were laughing. Then a short while later, you cry at the guilt of having had a light moment when this terrible thing has happened.
I have no interest in getting involved with anyone else. I have no interest in taking up hobbies that I was never interested in before. We were homebodies that outfitted our place with all of the things we like. That is a curse now that I have to live with. Friends who used to offer support have long moved on from this tragedy. I'm not blaming them for doing that. I don't expect their days to be filled with pining for him to be back among us. What hurts terribly is reaching out for an ear and being ignored because people are tired of watching you be sad. That is not friendship in my book. I learned that support and outreach from friends-- even those that knew you for many years-- does indeed have an expiration date.
It was just a year and half ago that this happened to me. I have been going through a very hard time. It takes every ounce of my being to get up and go to work in the morning and when I come home, I lay on the couch and cry. I cry myself to sleep at night, wake up the next day and repeat the cycle. Some weeks are not as bad as this one. July is full of memories: our anniversary of dating and our wedding, his birthday. Maybe that is what triggered it. I don't know.
Whatever it is. I'm just lost and sad. I'm functioning on a daily basis and don't feel the need to seek help because no one can take away the sad, nor do I want them to try to help me force away the sad. When it goes, it goes. And if it never does, I'm fine with that too.
So sorry for your loss.
do you know this is the real first bit of news I have really accepted,im glad its just not me ,omg that doesn't sound right.Yes I was a homebody am still.our home was our joy we enjoyed each other so much and didn't reallymiss the interaction of hobbies or clubs as such.thank you so much Ann.
Ann, I get what you are saying. I don't have any children either. I have my two cats that keep me company. You did everything with your spouse and everything revolved around that person. Now that my husband is gone, and I am getting ready to turn 52 and like you I have not interest in finding someone else you wonder what do you do next. I struggle to make it to work because I don't sleep well and stay exhausted. When you are home you are surrounded by memories of the person you lost. You think of what was and that it will never going to be that way again. You not only lost someone you love but the other half of yourself.
People don't understand unless they have went through it. My commissioner asked me about a week ago am I getting back to semi normal. I was having an emotional day and I just looked at her, no nothing is ever going to be normal again. I know she just didn't get it. It wasn't her fault because before it happened to me I didn't get it either.
Well I do get you struggle Ann. I get July will be hard for you. Those dates bring it all back again. This site has been so helpful for me. I hope it is for you also.
Ann, a year and a half is not long at all. Grief is still sharp and can take you by surprise by the sharpness and the depth.
July is a month full of memories: wedding anniversary, his birthday wrapped up in memories of his quick decline.
I am definitely at a different place now at almost 4 years. A few family members and I were planning a long overdue surprise celebration for my sister who just turned 70 in January. We weren't able to celebrate as my mom passed in March and we have been busy with that.
The day we chose to celebrate her is Ed's birthday - the 4th of July. As we planned, I was noting to myself that I was NOT sad or sorrowful. It felt good to be able to plan something like this. And while I KNOW my family members remember it's his birthday, we did not have to say anything. And that felt good.
Does this make sense? It was a different feeling - not sorrow but pleasure.
I feel the sad will lessen with time - it has for me. I know it's different for everyone. My mother was a huge influence on me. After my dad died, she chose to thrive not just survive. And it wasn't easy for her being blind. But I saw her take hold of her life and make the most of it. I am trying to do that.
Sorry for this ramble but everyone's words usually do resonate with me
I seem to be having that same problem. .. I'm OK when something is PLANNED for me to do, or to go to work. ... But when I'm home by myself, I just don't know what to do.
Ever since High School, Paul was my world.
I get what everyone is saying, I feel totally at a loss. Iain and I were homebodies,we would go to work, come home, have dinner, sit on the couch and watch TV. I loved my life. Now all the programmes we watched, Masterchef, all the cookery programmes and lots of other stuff is just too painful, I put the TV on and put it on a radio station, tidy up, faff around then go to bed. Sometimes I actually look forward to it because I can cry then hopefully sleep. I'm only 57, I feel young, I still put effort into my appearance, although I'm certainly not interested in meeting anyone, is this going to be it until my time comes?
evadiva, I hope not! I lost my husband last year; I'm 64. We were homebodies, too, to a certain extent- rarely entertained, didn't go out to eat, didn't do things with other couples. In some ways, that last part was helpful- many people here report that friendships they had with other couples faded away because the dynamics changed.
I did have things I did separately from Ron- he baked cookies for the church coffee hour, I was on the Finance Committee. I'm active in Toastmasters and an organization of long-term employees at a company where I used to work. I get to the gym every day and just finished participating in a local corporate athletic competition- 7 events, including a sprint triathlon! I donate platelets and plasma once a month and work in the church produce garden. Those things don't replace long talks and cuddles with an intimate partner, of course, but I still feel like I have a purpose in life and I can have intelligent conversations with nice human beings.
So no, that doesn't have to be all there is until your time comes. You have a unique set of skills and interests and can slowly find ways to build a new life around them.
As for TV- for a few months after Ron died, I was waiting to cancel our cable TV till Google Fiber was available. In the meantime, I watched all the stuff Ron only tolerated- mindless stuff like "Say Yes to the Dress" and "My 600-lb. Life". I've now terminated the cable package in favor of Netflix, which I couldn't do anyway while Ron was alive because we NEEDED pro sports, and am thoroughly enjoying new and old series on Netflix.
It may be easier for me because I spent large chunks of my adult life as a single (married at 31, divorced at 44, remarried at 50), but this is a good time to take stock of what YOU want to do with the rest of your life.
evadiva, I get what you are saying. Amazing how a show we watched together, now is just not interesting. Like you we were home bodies, both working full time & Doug too much overtime, he was too drained to do anything.
I too feel young, I have been going out, meeting people, doing things. But I have met no guy I find interesting, hard enough to find women who have something in common.
This year has been one problem after another, & I am fed up doing it alone. I am just tired of this daily fight for what seems no point at all. Each day more envious Doug got to die. I just dread 50 years to go all alone, having no point.
You know it's so sad that we all sound so alike. All our thoughts, sadness and lives are all so alike. I think it was Ann who said no one can take away the pain and how true it is. Iain passed away in February, we had been together for 30 years. Sometimes when I meet someone and they ask (and most people are genuine and caring) how are you but they seem have this caring expression that "Oh maybe you'll be feeling a bit better now" as if it's the flu or something you're recovering from! I'm ashamed to say I never gave much thought to any women I worked with in the past who had lost their husband, but it's really only other widows who understand what you're going through. Iain was a friendly, easy going big guy who everyone liked and I can just imagine him saying right Anne pull yourself together and get out there and live but I just feel as though my life is over and even to say that it's terrible because life is precious but without your other half I feel as though I'm just going through the motions. Thank you to this site for giving me a chance to get all of this off my chest, it's nice to have other people who understand exactly how things are and thank you to Desare for starting this thread and everyone else who's taken the time to answer. Take care