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I'm so lost.i don't know how to be happy anymore.i have no direction and no desire.I made pete my world.i just cant find a reason anymore for trying orsurviving.whats it all about.

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do you know this is the real first bit of news I have really accepted,im glad its just not me ,omg that doesn't sound right.Yes I was a homebody am still.our home was our joy we enjoyed each other so much and didn't reallymiss the interaction of  hobbies or clubs as such.thank you so much Ann.

Ann, I get what you are saying. I don't have any children either.  I have my two cats that keep me company. You did everything with your spouse and everything revolved around that person.  Now that my husband is gone, and I am getting ready to turn 52 and like you I have not interest in finding someone else you wonder what do you do next.  I struggle to make it to work because I don't sleep well and stay exhausted.  When you are home you are surrounded by memories of the person you lost. You think of what was and that it will never going to be that way again.  You not only lost someone you love but the other half of yourself. 

People don't understand unless they have went through it.  My commissioner asked me about a week ago am I getting back to semi normal. I was having an emotional day and I just looked at her, no nothing is ever going to be normal again.  I know she just didn't get it.  It wasn't her fault because before it happened to me I didn't get it either. 

Well I do get you struggle Ann.  I get July will be hard for you. Those dates bring it all back again.  This site has been so helpful for me.  I hope it is for you also. 

Take Care


Ann, a year and a half is not long at all. Grief is still sharp and can take you by surprise by the sharpness and the depth.

July is a month full of memories: wedding anniversary, his birthday wrapped up in memories of his quick decline.

I am definitely at a different place now at almost 4 years. A few family members and I were planning a long overdue surprise celebration for my sister who just turned 70 in January. We weren't able to celebrate as my mom passed in March and we have been busy with that.

The day we chose to celebrate her is Ed's birthday - the 4th of July. As we planned, I was noting to myself that I was NOT sad or sorrowful. It felt good to be able to plan something like this. And while I KNOW my family members remember it's his birthday, we did not have to say anything. And that felt good.

Does this make sense? It was a different feeling - not sorrow but pleasure.

I feel the sad will lessen with time - it has for me. I know it's different for everyone. My mother was a huge influence on me. After my dad died, she chose to thrive not just survive. And it wasn't easy for her being blind. But I saw her take hold of her life and make the most of it. I am trying to do that.

Sorry for this ramble but everyone's words usually do resonate with me


Omg I feel you about friends ignoring your pain. In going through the same thing and its not even been 6 months yet. I've always been kinda the out ball of my friend group anyway, but I'm beginning to think they only tolerated me because I was Mark's wife and they adored him. All my family is like oh I just love your friends! Because they were great for like the first month and then all of a sudden it was back to life as normal for them. I've never felt so alone in my life. One of our mutual friends asked if it would be ok to send me some pics of mark that he had taken and I was over the moon with excitement that someone actually wanted to talk about my hubby and not just act like he never existed.
I feel the same way. I stay busy because I work and have a 2 year old son. But every day is just going through the motions. I adore my son, but hate being a solo parent. I find myself thinking only 16 more years until he's grown. Then I feel guilty for wishing that he'd grow up too fast. Then I wonder what the hell I'll do when I no longer have a toddler to keep me busy, but I don't have my best friend/hubby to enjoy life with either. Its like I'm just waiting around to die myself. Very depressing. Sometimes I feel like the universe is against me being happy. Had a sitter lined up so I could go to a concert with a few girl friends, my son suddenly got sick the night before and I couldn't go. Went camping last weekend, had an allergic reaction to bug spray and now have a nasty rash on my legs. All while everyone else my age (I'm 29) is enjoying life. Its like life has handed all my friends a cupcake and I got a fucking ball of shit with frosting on it and everyone expects me to be positive!

HI Desare,

   I seem to be having that same problem. .. I'm OK when something is PLANNED for me to do, or to go to work.  ... But when I'm home by myself, I just don't know what to do.

   Ever since High School, Paul was my world.




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