Members

This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

I loved my husband so much, and he was an incredible person.  I knew how lucky I was to have him in my life.  It is so easy now that I have lost him to think that no one could love me as much as he did, and so easy to stay with my feeling that my life with him was my life, and that it was our life together that has and will continue to define me.  I could stay safely in that feeling, I know that I could, almost as if we were still together just by not letting anyone else in.  And yet, I am only in my early 50s, and there is so much life left to live, and I was very happy married, very happy having a partner to go through life with.  Am I ready to say that part of my life is over now?  I have found myself at a crossroads, trying to decide which way to go.  And, admitting to myself that I would like to find another companion, I realize that isn't the easier choice, it's the harder choice.  And I was wondering if anyone else feels the same way.

Views: 1709

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

Mary I feel exactly the same way.  Your choice of words echoed my thoughts completely.  I too lost the love of my life and also get so lonely at times and always wonder if I will find someone else to start a new chapter with, and if I do will I be fair to that relatioship... Peace Joe

Mary, I understand how hard it is. I never fully grieved over the loss of my husband and he passed away September 25, 2008 from leukemia. He was 92 when he passes away and he would not want me to stay single and lonely.

I had one date since he passed away and that was about a year ago. I was scared to venture outside of my comfort zone, but i did. We had this 38 year age gap but age was only a number to us for we had a bond, and raised two sons together. I am proud that I have weathered the struggles of being a widow but I still have a difficult time mourning this loss. When i see my sons, I see his face, when I hear their voices, I hear him: I have had some men interested in me but I will be 62 years old in November and I look more like 45, that is what people think I am.

Yes the world is uncertain and we think there will not be this special kind of love that our husbands had for us. Together, we can hold each other up: together, we can carry on to make them proud of us. I know they are able to see how we are because their love for us was great, kind, gentle, and so very special. Please remember this love, it will see you through the dark times...I really believe that someone will come into our lives.

I have a roommate who has been widowed since 2005, she just found a special someone who seems to be a carbon copy of her dearly departed husband. it is getting serious and he treats her like a queen and takes her to romantic places. I pray it gets developed into something great. So far she is starting to have feelings for him and I believe that it is mutual. If she can find that someone, I have hope that if it is God's will, a special someone will come into my life as well as yours.

I'm going through the same thing.   I'm more than two years out now and I go back and forth on whether I want to pursue another relationship.   I'm 54 myself and was 51 when my wife passed.   I don't have the time to date random people or pursue on line dating, but I just figure that one of these days it will just sort of hit me in the face.   it could even be someone I already know,   My plan now is to procrastinate and put off dating until I retire in 22 months.     I then will have more time to think about what I want and how to pursue it.

Mary,
I just responded to a blog containing a phrase from today's paper in my horoscope, of all places. It is in my crossword section and I often glance down to read it. "Keep going until the pixels arrange themselves into a clear picture". Kind of like the wording as I feel that is what we can apply it to our lives. We tell ourselves we need to make certain decisions and when we become frustrated by our inability to do this, reality sets in. Why do we place this type of stress upon ourselves? Who says we need to decide right now? Granted, their are issues that need immediate attention but it is OK sometimes to allow time to help us. If you feel comfortable with where you're at right now, that's fine. We can always reserve the right to change our minds at a later date! Cut yourself some slack, don't pressure yourself.

Hi Mary H,

Well, I felt like you did from 4/4/12 when I lost my beloved Husband of 24 yrs. I walked around the house and cried all night the first year. Then, I had to admit that hanging out with the "girls" all the time was not enough for me. I missed male companionship. I always did like them! I was 58 yrs old. My friends said "you're attractive, go out, you'll meet somebody". That is really depressing when you haven't gone anywhere without a Husband. I started chatting with a widower in an online dating site.  We met 7/20/13 . I was supposed to buy him dinner because I lost my Giants vs Eagles bet. He bought dinner and we made another date.We're both golfers, like casinos, hit it off. . Right before NYE he told me that he was tired of going places by himself and had been invited to a NYE party. I changed my plans to go to Atlantic City with the girls and went to his party... we have really been together every weekend since then.. we have logistical issues but got engaged in September!  I still miss my Husband and our life! I'm still angry that he lost his life but I did like being married and being part of a couple! An old guy told me that you start to miss the touch of another person when you're alone, not necessarily sex.. that's what happened to me. I've actually had multiple losses; my Husband, my Mom  and then my Brother since 2012.  But I do have a life and now a person that looks at me like I'm his new life!

That's a nice story Grace.  I know just what you mean.  Sometimes my daughter will hug me and it's as if I suddenly realize just how hungry I am for all the touching I used to have.  I hold on tight, I'm the last to let go.  I think I've come to realize no matter how much I miss my husband, I would be happier with a partner.  It's just hard to admit that.  It makes me feel even lonelier.

For all the people who miss being loved by the dearly departed...  that's not so much what I miss.  I miss having someone to love.  Many might think that's a minor distinction.  Some may say it all one in the same...  but it's totally different for me.  I certainly don't mind being loved.  But I miss having someone to love MUCH more than I miss having someone who loves me.  Am I all alone on this one?

You're not alone on that one.

We all move on, it is just how we do it. At this point in time I move on alone with the longing for Ellen to come back.
So tonight I will listen to Dwight Yokum and Journey. I do not drink, but music is my whiskey that soothes my soul.

David
Dwight. Love him! I listen to music all the time, mainly country but enjoy other genres as well. I listen to Pandora on my iPad and use Bluetooth when I'm working outside. It raises our serotonin levels which helps elevate our mood. I really need that! Even listen to Willy, George Strait and some of the older ones but I find some of their music depressing as I remember my Mom listening to them. Some was kind of downer music to me.
I am in my mid 30s, I resonate that with you.

Sorry to say that quantum leaping by making decisions about your future will not shorten or lessen the intensity of grief or end it. Everyone is in a hurry to end it because they cannot even imagine its benefits -0all they know is the intense pain it is producing at the time to escape from it. Mind games w/ones self is a perilous path. 

Not letting anyone in is not, by any means, not moving forward. As a single widow of almost 9 years (widowed at 49, never dated), I'm living a happily content active life because it was my goal; my grief has ended. And because grief changes so will you if you allow the process. Most all people "think" they want a new partner, that incessant feeling is strongest in the first 1-3 years due to insecurity issues such as being alone, decision making, ones future. There's nothing wrong w/it, its just best to be informed it is a common feeling to want a new partner when experiencing loss -a Grand Canyon size gaping hole in ones life.

You can say hundreds of times that part of your life has ended, but your heart still needs time to process it, in doing so, you will still grieve the loss of your marriage.

If you want to date, just give yourself permission. Just be aware of what is motivating you. Be careful ...

RSS

© 2017   Created by Soaring Spirits.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service