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I loved my husband so much, and he was an incredible person.  I knew how lucky I was to have him in my life.  It is so easy now that I have lost him to think that no one could love me as much as he did, and so easy to stay with my feeling that my life with him was my life, and that it was our life together that has and will continue to define me.  I could stay safely in that feeling, I know that I could, almost as if we were still together just by not letting anyone else in.  And yet, I am only in my early 50s, and there is so much life left to live, and I was very happy married, very happy having a partner to go through life with.  Am I ready to say that part of my life is over now?  I have found myself at a crossroads, trying to decide which way to go.  And, admitting to myself that I would like to find another companion, I realize that isn't the easier choice, it's the harder choice.  And I was wondering if anyone else feels the same way.

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Callie ,

         WOW, not for me... When someone gives out " Too Much Information " ... It may not bother some people, but I get embarrassed for them. If that is what becoming acquainted is like today, than I don't need it. :-)


Wow, this is a rough group here. I have not even though about another relationship yet, but is it really that hard to find a good person? I'm getting worried now. Seems like there is evil people in both genders. Maybe I will just go to Vegas and rent a woman when needed. LOL. Sounds cheaper. Hermit life in the mountains sounds better all the time. 

Wilber, I should emphasize that the conversation above was imaginary!  My husband died last November so I'm nowhere near thinking about seeking out companionship again, but I figure that if someone with my qualities (intelligent, solvent, active, no emotional baggage) is out there unattached, there have to be guys like that out there, too.  Sadly, I think that one of the additional problems women encounter is that a guy will advertise that he's 49 (which probably means he's 55) and he's seeking someone aged 35-45.  If I have another relationship I hope it's someone closer to my age.  DH was a dear man and I'm glad I married him even though I was pretty sure I was going to outlive him since he was 15 years older, but I'm 64 and don't want someone that close to the end of their life expectancy this time around.

Ok...... - I will repeat " rough group ". Maybe I am naive but I still think there is are good people in the world. I have no reason to try to be anything other than what I am. I'm sure there are others like that. Good luck to you and I hope you find the companionship you seek. Remember, sometime you find what you were needing when you weren't even looking for it.  S

That's how DH and I met!  We were in a theology class and I was in the middle of a messy divorce and a long-term relationship of his was just ending.  Neither of us was looking and we didn't really get together till a year later but got to know each other under "non-courting" conditions in the meantime.  I have a pretty good mix of things that get me out of the house including Toastmasters, the church community and the Garden club (OK, the latter is 99% female).  I may look for some MeetUp groups in areas that interest me.  Probably a much more natural way to meet compatible people.

I found a really good book that may be of interest to those of you who, like me, struggle with whether to stay married in your heart or to move on and take a chance at finding love again.  It's called Getting Naked Again by Judith Sills.  The title is metaphorical, it deals with the emotional process of becoming single in your head again after a long marriage.

The title may be metaphorical but I think it's the LITERAL aspect of the title that many of us fear!  ;-)

I've heard of the book and plan to read it after I retire soon.    I have another story that sort of ties some of these issues together and I hope no one is offended.   Last year I saw a woman for about 9 months.   it never became romantic.   We never even kissed, but we enjoyed our time together, but there never was any spark.    I was working in the town she lived in and I tried to see her about once a week, even though I was working 12 hour days.   I didn't hear from her after I went home for about two weeks and was a little worried that she felt I didn't spend enough time with her during my time in her town.     Then she sent me an email and she said she started dating someone right around the time I left.    She was also a widow and we used to talk about our issues with resuming relationships and intimacy.   Still I told her that maybe we should hold off our next outing if she's seeing this new guy and to be honest, I felt awkward.   I was happy for her, though.    So a month passes and I get a text from her.     She asked me if I wanted to go to a hockey game before the season ended and her boyfriend didn't mind, he's not a fan.   Still i told her I felt awkward about it.   Then she responded that she was over her problems with intimacy and she had been having sex with her new boyfriend.     I was sort of dumbfounded.    TMI?   check.   Did I feel like salt was poured in my widower wound?  check.   i hope she was trying to let me know that things are ok on the other side, so to speak, but I was a little offended in some ways.   Have I gotten back to her about the hockey game?   nope.   

Can't say I blame you. Maybe meeting for a cup of coffee and a quick chat. Wow. Some things perhaps, better left unsaid. While I see nothing wrong with male/female friendships, you have to be cautious. Knowing this woman for a relatively short time and never having met the boyfriend... Especially a new relationship.....I find it unusual. I think maybe that friendship, although special, may have run it's course.

She lives around 100 miles away, so getting together for a brief chat is unlikely.   I've known her for almost two years.   You'll be surprised to hear that she's not a twenty or thirty something, but she's older than me, she's 57, I believe.      I get the feeling I was sort of a cool guy to hang out with between boyfriends. And no, I've never met the new boyfriend.    I was probably a little out of her comfort zone, which was okay for a friendship, but not for a relationship.     It just shows what little spark there was between us that even though we talked about our issues with intimacy, nothing ever happened between us.  

Didn't really mean the chat literally, what I meant was that type of meeting would seem more appropriate. I think you both needed each other at the time. Missing our spouses includes the intimacy of sharing one's inner feelings and it sounds like on that level, you connected.

That's probably true.     A friend told me that our friendship gave her the self esteem to move into a new relationship.   I like that.  


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