Idk if it's healthy for unhealthy for me to keep all his items right where he left them... It's only been a little over 3 months and I still have his razor and deoderant by the sink, and I've washed all his clothes except 2 shirts I keep in a bag so I can still smell him.. i still have 2 pairs of pants in my laundry hamper because I can't bare the thought of washing all his clothes for the last time... His body wash and bath sponge are still in my shower too.. I'm just not sure if its hurting me more or if it's normal to harbor these things for a while longer?
I don't know if its healthy or not, but I have heard (am one) of a lot of people that have kept things for years. So everything you are saying sounds normal to me. It has been 2 + years for me and I still have not moved his stuff from the bathroom or around the house. In terms of how "healthy" it is. I think that what is healthy is what feels right for you. If removing his things feel traumatic then its not the right time. There are a lot of things I can do now with small amounts of pain, that 1 year ago where devastating. What I have found to not work for me is to listen to the well meaning advice from people who did not know loss, and did not understand. There definition of "healthy" and mine turned out to be very different. We are already suffering from so much trauma, that I think at this time doing anything that feels like adding more pain should be put on hold until a time when it is manageable. 3 month is a short time, its still a time of shock, so be gentle with yourself.
Thank you so much it really makes me feel better to know that others do the same thing as me and for longer after.. my friend's said I should just put the stuff in a box but I don't think I can yet.. I'm trying to ride this wave without over thinking to awful much but it's crazy how some days are so much harder than others. Thank you so much for your feed back ❤
Too soon for you. The day will come for you that you will want to move forward in a different way. Only YOU will know when. Don't listen to others on this topic. Now if you build a shrine to him and stare at it all the time and constantly talk to his pictures. If you refuse all contact with living people you should consider getting professional help...but not where you are at now with still raw pain..
For me , it was easy to give his things away because I made a " 1 BOX" of his things. I kept one of every thing. e.g. one of each kind of clothing--shirt, pjs, jacket, sweater, shoes, tee shirt, underwear etc. hair and tooth brush, wallet, watch etc all together clean and there for me to go to in one place when I need to- everything else I got rid of. Never stressed over it. Did this at a few months. It works fine for me. At 5 yrs I still go to it to hug a shirt etc but I find less clutter is better for my soul and my sanity. Besides he always with me. He is not the things he left behind.
You decide for you. Don't just pitch it all and get upset. But I am certain if you clean up and simplify by having less out in the open you will feel some freedom-certainly less to straighten and clean. Be patient with yourself until you are ready.
Thank you for your input. I just feel like I'm still in the mode of waiting for him to come back...I know he's not and it seems cruel to even think things like that in my head at this point...I don't want to fool myself into false security but at the same time it seems like I can't let go and just snap out of it...I guess I'm still in harsh denial most of the time..
We're all different but I don't think anyone would have been able to give away/throw away all traces of our loved one immediately and few will ever get rid of 100% of them. My husband died a year ago and as I type this I'm wearing one of his sweaters and one of his shirts (it's cold here!). I've given away most of his clothes and the power tools I won't be using- may as well give them to someone who can use them- but find it hard to throw away anything with his handwriting on it. I cleaned out most of his things from the bathroom but for some reason I can't get rid of the gel patches I used on a couple of scrapes he had on his back in his last month. I changed them for him every day.
So, don't rush yourself. It can and should take time.
I'm glad to hear that too because I still wear his clothes often and I'm far from giving them away though he didn't really have much clothes that weren't for work..I appreciate the feed back it's nice to hear from those who are sharing the same hard ships, makes me feel a little less crazy!!
Aly, not crazy at all. I have to agree with the others, you'll know when. While I did get rid of some things like toiletries, I could not go through a lot of his personal things. I became very emotional--it sucked the little bit of energy I had. It was about the third year when I was able to do it, but it was still not easy. So, I would suggest just waiting until you feel up to it.
Another thought, and this may be psychological. I recall several years back, a discussion amongst a support group I attended. Leaving things in place as they were may mean you think or hope they just might come back. Until we accept they are not coming back, it may be harder for some to let go of their worldly possessions. IMO, I believe one part of our brain understands they are gone but it still takes time to reach our subconscious, even our souls. Grieving is a process, one of " letting go". It takes time. Be patient.
It has only been 50 days for me and the only thing I have been able to get rid of is his toothbrush. His pjs still hang on the closet hook and his clothes are still in the dresser and closet. I am very much like you as I have washed everything of his but 2 sweatshirts that i bagged. I feel a little guilty as the men's shelter could use his jeans and sweatshirts, but I am not ready to do that yet. My friend that lost her husband 10 years ago told me that I would know when it is the right time and that she still has a tote with some of her late husband's things in. You will know when it is time.
I agree, you will know when it is time. One of the hardest things for me to get rid of was a large ziplock bag where I kept gauze pads, medical tape, LARGE bandaids, etc. He was always falling and skinning his knees and I would bandage them for him. Every time I saw it I was reminded of him and the sadness of him being sick. I have finally dismantled it (at almost 3 years).
Wow I am honestly surprised to hear so many others keeping their things for years, it definitely comforts me to hear that. I still have his toothbrush too..I guess I haven't gotten rid of anything yet I even threw away a hair product of his and later regretted it... But I decided if I had a certain impulse to get rid of it I would before I changed my mind again. It makes sense not being fully accepted subconsciously, I have dreams and I'm just with him and not remembering he's gone. I can't explain how much I appreciate the feed back from others who have actually felt the same emptiness some others just can't understand the way your mind hits every angle of thought but still doubts what's "to be expected"
At 10 years out I have most all of Bob's belongings except for some tools the boys wanted & a few items they girls chose. His clothes are in space bags w/a few still hanging ...
Bob's medicine cabinet is intact as well as everything around the sink countertop ...
The most important part of keeping his belongings in place was for healing - desensitizing from triggers - the melt downs stopped after awhile which was such a relief considering the times I could barely look at his picture ...
The kids (early 20s) have limited memories of their father, but whenever they have a need or desire to remember something about him they can easily go through his things to get the relief they want. I, myself, find it comforting they continue to talk about Dad as well as ask many questions about him ...
I'm considering purchasing a house 1/2 the size if this money draining house - so, I'll just have to check w/the kids on what they want kept & what they want displayed in a new home since neither own their own home. As always, its up to them to decide - Bob is their father. I won't be letting go of my personal items from my husband & marriage till I die. This is an easy decision since I'm not interested in dating. I enjoy being single, its been my way of life for a decade now ... :-)
SM I see myself in the same place 8 years from now, with Tom's things all around me. I do not see why I would want to get rid of them. I could fill the house with all sorts of things, but none of that would have the same value to me as his possessions do. It is comforting for me to see his shoes on the shoe rack.