Is it so wrong to want to give the kids up, sell the house and not tell anyone where I'm going. I would not do this in a million years, but the thought of it is like a fantasy. To go where Nobody knows my name. To start so totally fresh that even I don't know what I'll do next. Is it so wrong that I don't want to feel anything anymore. I've had enough. I wouldn't do anything to end it, but the pain gets the best of me at times. The very thought of trading in my memories for a break from this pain is tempting. I know this amounts to a daydream. It's impossible not to feel guilty about it. But looking at the options of my future I'd almost consider it. To go where I'm unknown. Pretend this didn't happen to my perfect family.
No, there's nothing wrong with dreaming of running away. You're describing escaping into fantasy to give yourself some small respite from things you can't escape in reality.
If you try to run away in reality, or if you spend so much time in the fantasy that you hurt those around you then it's a different question, but it doesn't sound to me like that's what you're doing. When grief is overwhelming then dreaming that you could escape it helps manage the pain a little, it may be an umbrella against a hurricane, but it may also be the only relief you have available.
A person after my own heart! DH and I had wonderful travels together. I just got back from Costa Rica and Panama, where I took a cruise through the canal and went snorkeling, kayaking, swimming and hiking in beautiful surroundings. I wondered how I'd do but it was one of the best vacations I've ever had. I put some of his ashes in the Panama Canal and some off the coast of Costa Rica. I'm headed for Iceland (a place we visited together in 2015 and loved) in August.
I think that what's also helping me get through the loss of DH last November is that I had a lot of connections outside of the marriage. Not as deep as with DH, of course- I was married to my best friend and none of them can replace him- but I was active in Toastmasters and had various volunteer activities. Some had never met DH. That meant that the relationships didn't have to adjust that much after he died because it was a never a relationship of two married couples, i.e. a foursome which is now a threesome. Not everyone has that luxury, of course, especially if they're working full-time, raising kids or being a full-time caregiver. In my case, though, it's those relationships that sustain me now.
Oh I know. It's just so hard. No, it's not wrong. It means you are very very sad. I don't want to feel anything anymore either. I am getting through each day because of the belief that my current state is temporary. Grief moves more slowly than I expected. But it does move. Sending hugs.