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Is it so wrong to want to give the kids up, sell the house and not tell anyone where I'm going.  I would not do this in a million years, but the thought of it is like a fantasy.  To go where Nobody knows my name.  To start so totally fresh that even I don't know what I'll do next.  Is it so wrong that I don't want to feel anything anymore.  I've had enough.  I wouldn't do anything to end it, but the pain gets the best of me at times.   The very thought of trading in my memories for a break from this pain is tempting.  I know this amounts to a daydream.  It's impossible not to feel guilty about it.  But looking at the options of my future I'd almost consider it.  To go where I'm unknown.  Pretend this didn't happen to my perfect family.

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Hello, your post makes my heart hurt. I feel your pain. Running away is tempting but I think no matter how far we go the pain will be comes from inside and I have not found any escape from it, however I have to say at 23 months I am having more days that aren't so bad. Grieving is hard work. I've done counseling, support groups, so much prayer and reading. Most everything I can think of to help me so I can be the best person possible for my kids and everyone else who care about me. I'm also doing all the work for my husband. I know he wanted the best for me always. He always told me everything would be okay. I don't always feel okay but I often think of him saying those words to me and I still believe him. I hope today is a better day than the day you posted this. Keep on keepin on.

No, there's nothing wrong with dreaming of running away. You're describing escaping into fantasy to give yourself some small respite from things you can't escape in reality. 

If you try to run away in reality, or if you spend so much time in the fantasy that you hurt those around you then it's a different question, but it doesn't sound to me like that's what you're doing.  When grief is overwhelming then dreaming that you could escape it helps manage the pain a little, it may be an umbrella against a hurricane, but it may also be the only relief you have available.

We cannot run from grief, it will be with you until it isn't. There is no timetable, there are no "stages" as it doesn't move straight-forward or linear. Anxiety and that feeling of being overwhelmed is quite normal so you have this fantasy of running away. For a brief moment, it sounds like a good idea, maybe you can regain control and leave the pain behind! I don't think this is abnormal at all.

Try visualizing grief as a path or even walking through a storm. There will come a time when life gets better again. Believe it. We don't forget but the better memories will surface along along with gratitude of having had the time together. Those memories will become more precious as time goes by. Though it is very painful now, you really would not want to wipe the slate clean and destroy all memory, would you? Be patient. Peace will find you.
I completely understand your desire to escape. Reading your post makes me wonder if that's part of the reason for my desire to travel the world.

The desire to take a break from my life has been so strong that I've taken three mini trips out of my country, once a month for three months in a row, and stayed at a retreat that specializes in bringing comfort to those dealing with grief. The first two trips amounted to long weekends and the third was for 4 consecutive days away from home.

I was stuck in one stage of grief (anger) ever since my husband's death for over two years. I was emotionally ready to deal with a set of brand new experiences. Having to navigate in a foreign country and interact with a whole new set of people blasted me out of my emotional state. I found myself too busy responding to a new environment to think about myself.

Quite frankly, my short trips have done me a world of good. And I plan to take a few more. I'm also saving my money to fulfill a childhood dreaming of visiting India next year.

A person after my own heart!  DH and I had wonderful travels together. I just got back from Costa Rica and Panama, where I took a cruise through the canal and went snorkeling, kayaking, swimming and hiking in beautiful surroundings.  I wondered how I'd do but it was one of the best vacations I've ever had.  I put some of his ashes in the Panama Canal and some off the coast of Costa Rica.  I'm headed for Iceland (a place we visited together in 2015 and loved) in August. 

I think that what's also helping me get through the loss of DH last November is that I had a lot of connections outside of the marriage.  Not as deep as with DH, of course- I was married to my best friend and none of them can replace him- but I was active in Toastmasters and had various volunteer activities.  Some had never met DH.  That meant that the relationships didn't have to adjust that much after he died because it was a never a relationship of two married couples, i.e. a foursome which is now a threesome.  Not everyone has that luxury, of course, especially if they're working full-time, raising kids or being a full-time caregiver.  In my case, though, it's those relationships that sustain me now.

Oh I know. It's just so hard. No, it's not wrong. It means you are very very sad. I don't want to feel anything anymore either. I am getting through each day because of the belief that my current state is temporary. Grief moves more slowly than I expected. But it does move. Sending hugs.


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