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It's been 4.5 years since my husband of 45 years died suddenly.  I gradually fell into a deep, dark depression that nothing I try and nothing my doctor or therapist try helps.  Also major anxiety that only gets worse.  My family, once so close, has fallen apart.  I have no support system.  Is it wrong to consider just taking myself out of this hell?  I won't do it, but I want to.  Sorry for the downer, I just have nowhere else to turn.

Linda

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Please...hang in there....It has been a little over a year since I lost my darling husband of over 27 years.....sometimes I have felt as if I couldn't go on another day. I did find a Griefshare meeting in my area and that was a big help. This site has also been very helpful. This week had been a pretty good one and then I ran into a former colleague of ours who we had worked with in a nearby school district. As I gave her a quick update on the days leading up to his death I could feel my emotions changing. By the time we exchanged numbers and I drove away I was literally a basket case. She had so many nice things to say about my husband and how fortunate I was to have had such a good husband. Her words were comforting but at the same time it triggered some deep emotions. I have learned that there is not a  time table for grief. We just have to  accept and learn to manage one day at a time. I do find that when I try to stay busy and when I focus on what he would want me to be doing I don't feel as depressed. I went to a church conference earlier this year and one of the speakers acknowledged how depression is real and if one needs help don't be ashamed to seek it. I am sorry for rambling on. I hope you can find some solace in knowing that you are not alone. God bless!

I should not have posted this.  I sound like I'm wallowing in self pity.  Just a really bad day.  Sorry.

Linda

[[[HUGS LINDA]]]

Believe me, you are not alone ...

It is also good for others to know they are not alone ...

Depression is tricky, it is not easy to treat or to work with ...

Doctors make the best educated guess when prescribing a dosage ...

I had better results in cutting my once daily dose in half for 2 dosages a day. Check w/your doctor before doing this ...

In addition, I did alot of physical work around the house & yard to get endorphins pumping through my system ...

Most importantly, grieve regularly to prevent build up of stress & anxiety ...

Take care of yourself ...

Your post really resonated with me... enough to get me to log in after I can't tell you how long it's been since I last did.

I found myself online randomly pinballing around the web looking for something I can't quite define, knowing in the back of my mind it's a futile effort. I've decided I must be trying to use it as a distraction; possibly from reality?

When I ran across your post I realized that it sounded very similar to how I felt more often than I prefer to admit. I do have a support system, or would have if I didn't keep everyone at arms length... the more they tried the more anxiety I felt. I keep telling myself that eventually I will adjust to my "new reality" regardless of whether I want to or not.

Eventually it has to happen right? Eventually the new normal will override the old normal as time passes right? But how can just a few short years override a lifetime of conditioning?

When my husband and I started dating, we were in high school; a few years shy of becoming adults yet but still ready to take on the world together. And boy did we ever! We stormed adulthood together, got married, moved in together, had a child, raised her, did more things than I could possibly relate in a short post... the point is we did it all together. Over half my life and 100% of my adult life was wrapped up with him, mind, body, spirit, soul, every molecule of my being was tied to him, and I wouldn't have had it any other way even now from this perspective. 

Yet here I am, anxieties I can't explain or understand, forging my way thru a new life I didn't want but a stuck with, wondering why I bother, but knowing I will continue to for reasons I have yet to understand, and maybe never will.

My 29th wedding anniversary would be this Sept 15th, and on Nov 11th it will be 6 years since he was killed in a freak car accident. Neither of those dates seems real to me. My mind has just started accepting that time is passing again.

I'm not sure why I felt drawn to you post and have no basis to think you could relate to my situation, yet things just started spilling out ...  If nothing else comes from my reply, I hope you do know that you are not alone in these feelings, you are not wallowing in self pity by finding avenue's to vent and help yourself cope. I am grateful for your post because tonight for once I feel like my pinballing wasn't completely pointless, and I feel a sense of relief, small but any is noteworthy.

Take care of yourself, and thank you for having the courage to be honest.

Thank you both for writing.
Landl - I don't see it as wallowing in self pity at all. And, I often wondered why I am left behind. Much easier to just go with him. I won't do it either. I tell myself that there is a reason I was left behind (other than raising my sons, or may be just that) and only living will I learn.
Mask - I find myself 'pinballing' as you called it ...often lately. Specifically after my sons are in their rooms winding down for the night. I click, and click searching for what I don't know. I thought recently, if my husband passed back in the day when there was no internet what would I be doing at this hour instead - read a book, watch TV, talk to someone on the phone...

Thank you for your replies.  After I posted this, I felt very ashamed and was glad when it moved off the front page of the public forums.  I got some  private replies that hurt deeply.  I'm glad to know that both of you may have found it helpful in some small way.  

I too pinball the internet looking for answers I know I'll never find.  I read story after story about those who have found their new life and are thriving, and I want so desperately to be one of them.  It seems becoming very social is the key, and I have tried that, but as an extreme introvert, that's just not the answer for me.  I have always had friends, but my husband was my one true soulmate, and of course the friends have gone on with their lives, as I would expect them to.  I think maybe I would benefit from a widows' group, but in my small town their is no such thing.

I was 16 and he 18 when we met.  He was my first and only love.  We were married 45 years. So we also lived our entire adult lives together.  We raised 2 children, got to have that wonderful experience of grandchildren, and were lucky enough to travel to many places with our whole family.  Holidays were fantastic.  We worked hard and played hard.  We got through the good times and the bad.  He was the rock who I always knew would make any bad times better.  And then in an instant he was gone.  And in that instant I died too, and I can't seem to come back to life. All the wonderful memories that are supposed to be my life now just make me miss my old life more.  

I keep hoping time will help, and I know it does for others.  Mask, you're the first to pose that question about a few short years overriding a lifetime of  conditioning.  How uplifting to know that someone else sees 4.5 or 6 years as a few short years rather than " way more time than you need to be over it", as it seems most people feel.  I celebrated our 50th anniversary on Aug. 16th alone. It still seems like a bad dream that we'll never celebrate anything together again.

I too am going on day after day, even when I don't want to, hoping someday my children will come back together so we can at least have a life as a family again, tho so very different without our sun that we as planets relied on so much.  Hoping I can again be a strong and self confident woman rather than this anxiety ridden shell.  Maybe find a friend who understands.

Thank you both.  

Linda

A famous quote by Albert Camus that helped me and maybe will resonate with you:

“In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.”

Hugs, Linda.

I'm in Year IX and still wonder what I'm supposed to be doing from time to time. It's an "occupational hazard" of being widowed. No need to worry about the post--we all have our horrible days.

I'm familiar with the quote barbee mentioned. It's a keeper.

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