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Is it so wrong to want to give the kids up, sell the house and not tell anyone where I'm going.  I would not do this in a million years, but the thought of it is like a fantasy.  To go where Nobody knows my name.  To start so totally fresh that even I don't know what I'll do next.  Is it so wrong that I don't want to feel anything anymore.  I've had enough.  I wouldn't do anything to end it, but the pain gets the best of me at times.   The very thought of trading in my memories for a break from this pain is tempting.  I know this amounts to a daydream.  It's impossible not to feel guilty about it.  But looking at the options of my future I'd almost consider it.  To go where I'm unknown.  Pretend this didn't happen to my perfect family.

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Hello, your post makes my heart hurt. I feel your pain. Running away is tempting but I think no matter how far we go the pain will be comes from inside and I have not found any escape from it, however I have to say at 23 months I am having more days that aren't so bad. Grieving is hard work. I've done counseling, support groups, so much prayer and reading. Most everything I can think of to help me so I can be the best person possible for my kids and everyone else who care about me. I'm also doing all the work for my husband. I know he wanted the best for me always. He always told me everything would be okay. I don't always feel okay but I often think of him saying those words to me and I still believe him. I hope today is a better day than the day you posted this. Keep on keepin on.

No, there's nothing wrong with dreaming of running away. You're describing escaping into fantasy to give yourself some small respite from things you can't escape in reality. 

If you try to run away in reality, or if you spend so much time in the fantasy that you hurt those around you then it's a different question, but it doesn't sound to me like that's what you're doing.  When grief is overwhelming then dreaming that you could escape it helps manage the pain a little, it may be an umbrella against a hurricane, but it may also be the only relief you have available.

We cannot run from grief, it will be with you until it isn't. There is no timetable, there are no "stages" as it doesn't move straight-forward or linear. Anxiety and that feeling of being overwhelmed is quite normal so you have this fantasy of running away. For a brief moment, it sounds like a good idea, maybe you can regain control and leave the pain behind! I don't think this is abnormal at all.

Try visualizing grief as a path or even walking through a storm. There will come a time when life gets better again. Believe it. We don't forget but the better memories will surface along along with gratitude of having had the time together. Those memories will become more precious as time goes by. Though it is very painful now, you really would not want to wipe the slate clean and destroy all memory, would you? Be patient. Peace will find you.


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