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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

I'm telling myself, "it's only been 2 months and you were married 47 years, loved him for 49" so as other people tell me, it's all so raw. First, that word RAW is awful although I better understand why someone first used it in conversation with me. It almost seems like it will be raw forever.

That word RAW is awful although I better understand when someone first used it in conversation with me.

I am moving to accept this pain will NEVER go away. How can it? To wake up every morning knowing, this morning again telling myself things like I read in an email this morning:

What no one ever really tells you about is the one thing that should be the most obvious: that you will never see him/her again.

-Ruth Coughlin, Grieving: A Love Story
Painfully every morning and night I am reminded of this truth. But, the entire week was heart-wrenching and stomach sickness. Which brought me here to ask your compassionate perspective and understanding ideas for a few questions:
Is morning or night worst for you?
Is your day, or week, like a Twilight Zone roller coaster ride?
What gets you through each hour when it seems the roller coaster ride you feel is not going to let you off anytime soon?
Thank you. Sad to be here with you, but also thankful.

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Dear inside love, so sorry you have to be here.  In answer to your question, for me both morning and night time are hard.  Its been 18mos for me and I still wake every morning and look beside me, then I get that big lump in my throat and make myself get up.  At night same thing.  I have found some comfort in sleeping with my husbands pj's, they still smell like his soap.  I make a list at night of 3 things I want to accomplish the next day and that gives me direction during my days.  The rollercoaster ride goes on for a long time, the best you can do is try to take each day at a time, and if you need to cry then do it.  I am amazed at how much water the human body can hold, but tears are healing.  I was married 43 years, like you, a lifetime, and honestly I don't know how to live without him...but each day goes by and so does time.  Everyone says with time it gets better, I certainly hope so for all of us. I'm not sure it gets better but I pray it gets easier.

sandi, I'm going to pray this missing him gets easier. I'm not sure I can believe that, although it's more believable than better.

To answer your questions, yes everything you feel is "normal" we all have felt it in some way or another.  You are not crazy.  The rollercoaster ride you speak of is common and the rides slow down some.  I am going into my 7 month of widowhood 12/2/17.  I have to say this is the worst counting system in the world.  The emotions, sadness figuring what just happened.  Yes 2 months is still "raw" like an open wound.,  My husband died on 5/2/17 at 1:00 PM at home.  I miss him everyday.  I don't cry as much as I use to but I do cry.  The thought of never seeing him again in person it not comforting however does ease up.  Are nights or days worse.  Nights are worse for me that is when we spent out time together; weekends as well.  Please feel to contact me at any time.

adoption1964, eases up. That's the sense of what I can hope and pray for because, I cannot wrap my head around this really "getting better." Thanks. And thanks for offering to contact you. Much appreciated.

Inside Love,

    When I go to bed, It's hard to fall alseep. Too quiet. And my mind won't slow down so I can sleep. But in the morning I'm never sure of what to do.

Susan

I find myself sobbing uncontrollably a few minutes after I am up and out of bed. I head to the kitchen, make coffee and my mind won't slow down (like yours at night) because morning was Marty and my second favorite time together, enjoying a couple of cups of coffee.

I just bought an anxiety blanket which customer service tells me, give it about a week, then they will refund or exchange for a heavier weight. Last night, 3rd night with it, I slept 4 1/2 hours straight through. I new record since Aug 28th.

Dear Inside Love,

   I've not heard of an Anxiety Blanket before. I'll check it out. Maybe It will help me.

Take Care :-)

Susan

Susan, anxiety blanket also is called - gravity blanket or weighted blanket. Choose the weight and size best for your body size. I bout Sensory Goods brand at Amazon and the company has been terrific - I always have a lot more questions for purchases these days.

Such a blanket may help and with Sensory Goods, as I noted, you can exchange OR return. 

I'd love to know if you find one that works.

Thank You InsideLove!  I'll check that out on Amazon :-)

Susan

Susan, yes, I'm going to check this out as well!

InsideLove, at my late husband's services, a good friend gave me a crocheted blanket. It's very soft and very comfy.  Just wrapping it around myself calms me down. I imagine an Anxiety Blanket would take this a step further. Sounds like a wonderful idea!  thank you!

Hi InsideLove,

I understand your feelings and its because I've been there.  My wife Susan was in a facility where she was recovering from a kidney rejection.  I visited her on Saturday, and we spoke on the phone on Sunday.  Monday morning at 7 the phone rang and I thought it was her (she had said that she would call me early Monday.)  Instead, the voice said is this Frank xxx, I answered Yes, and the voice said I'm sorry to tell you but your wife Susan is not breathing, the EMT's have been working on her for an hour now and nothing is working.  I had to tell them to stop.  I found out that at 0400 she was sleeping soundly and at 0630 when they had shift change she'd stopped breathing.   I won't go into the minute details.. We have all been there.

I found that despite staying up until I could not stay awake any longer, around 2am, I was waking at 4am.  I finally decided it was me trying to save her, had I been there I would have been able to save her.  This went on for a few months and nothing I tried seemed to work.  One night I mentioned it here in Chat, and the gal I was talking with said something that clicked.  She too had a similar problem and she told me... You are retired, right?  I said Yes, she said then if you wake up at some off time, don't fight it. You aren't punching a clock, and you have no responsibilities.. Get up.  Read a book. Watch TV, Watch a movie.  When you feel sleepy, go to bed and sleep.  Take a nap.  Stop beating yourself up.  It's normal, just go with the flow.  It seemed to work.  Every once in a while, my mind will latch onto something that happened during the day and seems to rev up to full speed, and I'm awake.  I take her advice, and get up and go back to bed later, when I'm again sleepy.

For me the hardest time was the evenings and nights.  Being home, I would "shift gears" from work to relaxing eating dinner and watching TV, all with Susan.  Now, the house is empty and quiet. She is gone, and my life is empty. 

This December, it will have been 5 years for me since Susan passed.  It has become "Softer," perhaps even easier.  She died, I buried her, I've come to realize that she truly is gone, and I've started rebuilding my life as a single person...but with some memories that I will treasure the rest of my life.

It is not an easy path, and for each of us, it takes different amounts of time and we go through phases and plateaus where we seem to make progress, and times were we seem to fall back, but we all move forward.  It is the normal cycle of Grief.  Cry when you need, laugh when you can, and the best thing I found was to be active in WV.  At first we are so over come with grief we can barely read through our tears,  Read what others have written, respond when you feel the ability, and initially - glance at the Chat Room.  At first the comments, the laughing, folks making plans, taking trips, can be too much to see and read in our grief.  But, at some point, you will be able to put fingers to keyboard, and join us in Chat.  When you do tell us of the love of your life.  How you met, what you did, and how you grew through the marriage.  When you can write about what happened.  The more you can write or vent, including more and more detail, will help you come to grips with reality and change will begin to occur.

We are all sorry you are here, but here is the best place to be.  Participate as you can, and change will occur.

((((HUGS))))

Frank

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