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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

I'm telling myself, "it's only been 2 months and you were married 47 years, loved him for 49" so as other people tell me, it's all so raw. First, that word RAW is awful although I better understand why someone first used it in conversation with me. It almost seems like it will be raw forever.

That word RAW is awful although I better understand when someone first used it in conversation with me.

I am moving to accept this pain will NEVER go away. How can it? To wake up every morning knowing, this morning again telling myself things like I read in an email this morning:

What no one ever really tells you about is the one thing that should be the most obvious: that you will never see him/her again.

-Ruth Coughlin, Grieving: A Love Story
Painfully every morning and night I am reminded of this truth. But, the entire week was heart-wrenching and stomach sickness. Which brought me here to ask your compassionate perspective and understanding ideas for a few questions:
Is morning or night worst for you?
Is your day, or week, like a Twilight Zone roller coaster ride?
What gets you through each hour when it seems the roller coaster ride you feel is not going to let you off anytime soon?
Thank you. Sad to be here with you, but also thankful.

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Thank you, Frank. This advice you got from somewhere here sounds worth trying. I experiment with everything that feels like even a remote fit and possible help. I love journaling - I've been doing this for about a month after Marty died - mainly because my mom died just 2 weeks later. Since my dad died only last November, my mind, my thoughts, will often tell me - the 3 most influential people in your lifetime are no longer here. 

Wise words about knowing how it's often an outsider feeling hearing/seeing people laughing, making plans, traveling, WAY too much right now. Although about 2 or 3 weeks ago, a new friend joined me for dinner and she had me laughing. I told her I LOVED her stories about Marty because I was seeing that so many people knew him in ways that I knew him. 

Thank you.


   I too journal. I like to read my journals from last year while Paul was in and out of hospitals. It shows me what we both went through, what he alone went through, and what I hopefully helped him with.  


Hi Frank,

   One of my problems is, I keep forgetting that I'm no longer working and there is no one for me to take care of. I keep thinking I have to hurry up for SOMETHING, but what?  Then I remember.


Thank you, Frank!


Thank You, and you are welcome.  I hope what I've done in a similar situation will at least give you something to start from.

I lost both of my parents several years ago.  My mother died of Cancer and a year later very nearly to the day, my father died.

Until then, I was always able to contact them if there was something that was new to me, or if I wanted to bounce something off them.

A few months after my father died, my sister called me and in our conversation told me I was now the Patriarch of the family. 

Heck, I didn't even know how to spell it much less what a Patriarch was.

There is a saying, and I'm not sure right now weather it was Native American, or African... Something to the effect of..

A man is not truly a man, until his father dies.  And, a similar phrase for a woman. 

It's come true, we really don't have someone to fall back on.  It's up to us to blaze the trail now and to pass on what we have learned

our values and such from our parents and our learning to our children.




I am still rather new at this whole thing, having only lost my wife a week ago, but right now my worst time is overnight.  I wake up and look across the bed to find it empty.  I get up and stumble on bags of laundry that we didn't get a chance to put away.  I wonder how hard it will be to fold and put away her clothing while I figure out what I am going to do with it all.  Yesterday, I took her large pile of medications down to the police station to dispose of them and that removed one more thing that was a trigger for me when I saw them across the room looming like evil sentinels.  

I go to sleep around 10 and wake up around 4AM.  6 hours is just not enough but that is where my brain is at the moment.  

During the day there are triggers all over the place, but my biggest issue is that the house is empty without her here.  No kids, no animals, just a ton of things all over the house that scream that they are her.  But these are things I can get past, I can go outside or play a game on my phone, but overnight I am trapped in my own head.  

Hi Again MidnightBear!


    I remember doing that same thing. Going to the police station to get rid of Morphine etc.  Hospice was a great help in disposing of medications also.

   When it came to clothes.laundry.. I sat on the floor with boxes around. One marked " Good Will ", "Matthew 25 Ministries" for hurricane victims one For Family members and one for keeping. And of course the garbage pile.  I just asked myself sometimes, " What would he want me to do with this one? "And I usually knew the answer.

   Sleeping is another problem of mine. If I don't wear myself out and fall right to sleep, I'm up at all hours of the night staring at the ceiling with my mind racing. So the radio and audio books are my best friends. I fall asleep to one of them playing. I can't have peace and quiet without my mind going everywhere. Silence isn't always golden.

   My favorite person to dream about is my newborn Grandson, Summit.

   Be well Bear:-)



Nights are the worst for me. No issues getting to sleep but I’m awake from 2-4am or 3-5am.
My dog sleeps on the bed now. I reach out and pet her if I need to.

I'm doing pretty well but now that winter is coming in I really feel alone at night.  My husband died a year ago so you'd think I'd have noticed this last year; maybe I was in more of a fog than I thought.  I feel it when I'm fixing dinner:  it's pitch-black outside already, the house is quiet and it's just me.  Not scared or depressed, just... alone.  I guess I get through it because I enjoy cooking for myself and, having ditched the cable TV programming, I've found things I enjoy watching every night on Netflix.  My daily cardio workout is over an hour, followed by upper-body weight machines.  That, and a bit of scotch, helps me sleep.  (And I do have to exercise moderation- otherwise I get a migraine, but I don't mind that my body is preventing me from overdoing it.)

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and have a hard time getting back to sleep but I nearly always do.  Some mornings I wake up at 4 or 5 and just figure it's time to get on with the day.  Fortunately I'm retired, so if I want to take a nap later I can. 

Hi Athena!

   Yes, ALONE is how I feel...  I usually wake up around AM. Then usually fall back alseep.



Evenings I think are the worst. You come home to an empty house, eat a solitary dinner. The quiet isn't diminished by even the television. The deep loneliness isn't something those who have not experienced it understand. The kids say come over to their house, but that is only delaying what will happen. You still have to enter that house where no one is waiting. For me that is the most difficult.

It has been four and a half years since Jerry passed. Mornings are still the hardest time for me. There are times I still cry. There are times I pray to make it through another day. There are times I wish we were together again. The pain does lessen with time. Sometimes it comes rushing back with a force that I wonder if I will even be able to function that day. I tell myself to go ahead and grieve. That I need to feel the emotion and allow the waves of grief to wash over me and dissipate like a wave going back out to the ocean. Time has allowed me to forget the amount of pain I had felt at first. This season seems harder to get through emotionally (this year) because I cannot remember the pain of the three previous years. I know that I have grown in ways that I would not have had Jerry been alive. I see my grandchildren and wish he could have been the healthy vital man I had married and know that had he been he would be on the floor playing with our youngest grandchild. He was a man that could love unconditionally and found the best in everyone. Our youngest grandchild has some special challenges. My husband was able to hold him in the hospital but passed away when he was 4 days old. I do know that his grandfather is, at times, nearby because one time (as I entered while he was taking a bath) he turned to me and made a face that only his grandfather could have taught him. My grandson then smiled at me.


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