I'm telling myself, "it's only been 2 months and you were married 47 years, loved him for 49" so as other people tell me, it's all so raw. First, that word RAW is awful although I better understand why someone first used it in conversation with me. It almost seems like it will be raw forever.
That word RAW is awful although I better understand when someone first used it in conversation with me.
I am moving to accept this pain will NEVER go away. How can it? To wake up every morning knowing, this morning again telling myself things like I read in an email this morning:
What no one ever really tells you about is the one thing that should be the most obvious: that you will never see him/her again.
It has been four and a half years since Jerry passed. Mornings are still the hardest time for me. There are times I still cry. There are times I pray to make it through another day. There are times I wish we were together again. The pain does lessen with time. Sometimes it comes rushing back with a force that I wonder if I will even be able to function that day. I tell myself to go ahead and grieve. That I need to feel the emotion and allow the waves of grief to wash over me and dissipate like a wave going back out to the ocean. Time has allowed me to forget the amount of pain I had felt at first. This season seems harder to get through emotionally (this year) because I cannot remember the pain of the three previous years. I know that I have grown in ways that I would not have had Jerry been alive. I see my grandchildren and wish he could have been the healthy vital man I had married and know that had he been he would be on the floor playing with our youngest grandchild. He was a man that could love unconditionally and found the best in everyone. Our youngest grandchild has some special challenges. My husband was able to hold him in the hospital but passed away when he was 4 days old. I do know that his grandfather is, at times, nearby because one time (as I entered while he was taking a bath) he turned to me and made a face that only his grandfather could have taught him. My grandson then smiled at me.
I read your post and came close to tears. My husband passed away way before our first Grandson was born. Little Summit has a special grin that he makes when he's asleep. I always feel that his " Grandpa Paul " is whispering to him when he makes that special grin.
May your grandson always have that special grin that only his grandfather can bring to him. Our loved ones that have passed are never really very far from us. Bless you this holiday season with joy and happiness as seen through the eyes of a young child...
Thank You! I hope you have a Merry Christmas also. :-)
Inside love, I've just lost my love Jerry. It's been 24 days. Mornings are so for the worst. I wake up and cry for about 3hr's. I awake pretty early about 5ish, I don't know if I'm waking early for the day or late for the night....either way. I cry and mope and cry some more until about 9am.
Rainy, I am so sorry for your loss. Mornings are still the worst for me too. I also wake up early! usually 4:30/5 am. It was always like that since Marty and I retired about 3 years ago. Maybe some part of me wants to fool me, thinking he's here? I don't know. One thing I know, if I don't pray, meditate or just sit and sip my first cup of coffee, I go crazy sobbing. So those are a few things I do to calm myself down. Again, I am SO sorry for your immense loss.
My mornings aren't as bad as they use to be any more. But nights are slightly different. I now put my ipad, phone and glasses on his pillow... Because I KNOW I'll be grabbing them in the middle of the night to use. I wake a few times a night.
I still say the same prayer every night. I feel nervous if I don't remember it.
I still procrastinate a lot. I wish I knew how to NOT do that. I hate indecision.
Susan, I to go to bed armed with all my essentials. Even the dog and I hated it when Jerry would decide to put her in bed with us. I never liked sharing him with her, I guess. HA HA I have turned his pillow long ways and keep it close.
I have some huge decision's to make regarding my kids, and I am loathe to make them. It seems like without Jerry to guide me I'm insecure. So, I just keep praying for God to lead me by the hand. I don't even feel like I can read a sign...
That's about right. They are " Essentials". I feel anxious if I don't have my phone etc. with me. Sometimes I feel as though my life is within in my phone... :Pictures, recordings of Paul's voice etc.
I THINK I know how you feel when it comes to decisions. We discussed everything before coming to a decision. But now I'm making them on my own. I do a lot of procrastinating.
How many kids do you have? I hope your able to come to a good decision regarding them.
Thanks InsideLove. I also find myself praying in the mornings. I've always prayed in the evenings and was to rushed in the morning to take the time. Well, most mornings. I find myself praying morning and night and in between as needed. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't believe God wants me to get through this and grow/learn from it.