January 16 it will be 4 years since Frank passed.
Today was really hard. I woke up to a funny link forwarded to me by his son, and I thought, I am the only one who knows or remembers this day. I posted a link to "The Dance" by Garth Brooks on FB, no one commented on it. I cried most of the morning, held it together for when I was out in public, and came back home and cried some more.
Today is MY 71st birthday and the first one in over 48 yrs years where my best friend/husband has not been around. I look at the pictures from last year when we were so happy. We celebrated together on the 21st and on the 22nd I was off to Phoenix , Arizona. His birthday gift to me was a trip to visit a longtime family friend. For an entire week I didn't have to worry about getting him back and forth to dialysis and doing all the things I was accustomed to doing as his caretaker. My son and daughter-in-law stepped in and took care of him that week.When I returned he was so glad I had had a great time but he made me promise to never leave him again. He said he missed me so much. I promised and vowed that any future trips would include him. Its hard to believe that he would only have three more months with me. What are my plans for today? Well, I plan on going to one of our favorite breakfast spots. Then I'm going to buy me something pretty. He always loved to see me dress up. I also plan on paying him a visit at the military cemetery to let him know that these first 21 days of the new year have been so hard and I miss him so much. But I also want him to know I will be okay. Lastly, I plan on attending my Griefshare meeting. My som and daughter-in-law wanted to come over to the house with the grandkids but I told them as much as I loved them and appreciated the thought I just wanted to be alone. That didn't seem to go over too well but I am finding out that I have to do what feels right for me. They want everything to be like it used to be. They don't understand that for me things will never be like they used to be. I know there will be tears today but I hope that there will also be some joy too.