I guess you can call this an anniversary sorts. 2 years ago on July 27, Paul's first brain tumor was found, then on July 28 it was removed. I just hated that they said, even though they got the tumor out, he still only had 12 - 18 months to live. He lived 17 months.
I have really been struggling since the double-whammy that I faced in July. My husband passed on January 25 this year; so July 25 was 6 months. On top of that, his birthday was July 22. I feel like a wave knocked me down, dragged me to the depths, and is now holding me down there, and I am just bumping along the rocks and debris, getting torn to pieces. I was doing fairly "OK" prior to his birthday, but I have not been able to come up for air since. I mostly feel an intense, bone-deep longing for him, and I am just drowning in it.
This is gonna sound counter-intuitive/dumb, but just go go with what you're feeling. I know it hurts, but you can't run from the pain, since it is always there--especially now. Allow yourself to cry. We do not pass over some "magic threshold" at six months, one year, etc. where everything suddenly becomes acceptable. It's a gradual process, and each person must find his or her own way. Just keep breathing (hard as that may be at the moment), reading and posting. Doing all that will help.
I understand your pain. My wife died a month before our anniversary and her next birthday. I used to struggle between July 20th and August 26th in the early years. Nowadays, it's more like scar tissue: I know it's there and yet I can deal with it. Hugs to you from someone who's "been there".
Thank you so much, John. It does not sound dumb at all. Actually, I have been trying to just let all of my feelings flow, the good the bad and the ugly. It has worked well so far, but the past 2 weeks have been over-the-top brutal. Just a few days prior to Michel's birthday, I felt pretty good. Hopeful almost. Or at least an urge to be hopeful. Now, I cannot even recall what that felt like. It is nothing now but longing and despair. I am trying to just "feel the feels" as my 19-year old daughter says, but it's overwhelming right now. I guess that I just have to be overwhelmed for now. I appreciate your support and the encouragement that it will gradually be manageable. Thank you.