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45 years ago today I married my best friend and soul mate. In total we had been in each others life for 50 years, 3 years best friends, 3 years living together. He passed 2 years ago this coming March. I now find myself living in the times that were my happiest, and actually I'm alright with that, although I do wonder if I'm setting myself up for alzheimers later down the road. Not sure that I care, since that is my happiest place. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just trying to escape reality, but I do know the reality of where I am in my life. I wouldn't mind having someone to share things with, but the way people meet today is online dating, and I'm far from comfortable with something like that. I don't even care to do social media, this is my extent of that. So, I will live through my rear view mirror, reliving wonderful times as the tears fall, and continually ask for more dreams where he comes to me and/or kisses me. I miss him so.

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Hello - I so completely understand.  I too essentially live in the rear view mirror.

There are a lot of...things going on in my life - living paycheck to paycheck, daughter not handling the death of her mother even 7 years out, etc etc, but - what's "funny" is that she did accuse me of living in the past.  I didn't have the hear to tell her for me, that's all there is.

She and my son have their lives ahead of them.  For me...it's holding on, surviving, and indeed hoping for the dreams and sleep.

I'm really worried about you Timelord.  Just sayin' 

Thank you so much!!!!   I am very thankful... knowing one isn't alone.

Some days are better than others...thing is...there is so much current crap I'm dealing with...it fills my heart.

Sometimes when I'm alone...random things will set off a grief wave...then something in the here and now comes around...

Sis, I so wish I could live in the rear view mirror.  I had such a good life.  It's been 5 years and one of my my grown children have brought so much stress in my life in the last 2 years, I can barely live in the present.  My anxiety and depression make the good from the past seem like an illusion.  But it is all I have as well.  I had 45 years of good.  My family was very close and I thanked God every day for it.  Now I just hope to make it through each day until night when I can sleep.  You're not alone.

I feel for you. I have two grown boys and they are both over their heads in debt. I have pulled them out before, and they apparently didn't learn anything. I had to tell them that they are going to have to figure it out this time so they will remember how hard it is. I told them my goal is to not have to become dependent on them. I'd be the one in a sad situation if that were to happen.! Hopefully this approach works. before I'm gone too and they have no possible safety net. Wish I had some words of wisdom for you. God Bless

Hi

You are not alone, and I hope your days get better.

I too feel safer living in the past.  It's been a year and two months since my husband passed away. We were married 20 years.

The stress of losing him, finances and work become overwhelming on top of the grief.

I forced myself to go to yoga 4-5 days a week.  (I think it might be helping to keep me present and aware, been doing it for 8 months now)

Some days I see a glimmer of curiosity about the future, some days its just all sadness and zero interest in anything. 

I will have to sell our home and as sad as it makes me feel, a part of me thinks it might help me mentally to be somewhere else. 

The fear and indecision is what keeps me stuck and it is also all I know right now. "widow brain" is real and complicates even the simplest of decisions for me.

Hoping and praying for better days for all of us.

I, too, am doing yoga, but I do chair yoga. I like the relaxing element of it and core work being gentle. I, too, pondered selling the house, but it would cost more to start over elsewhere, my son wants it when I pass, and I've lived here 35 years so I feel secure here. I recently have connected with an old fiancee from the 60's who lost his wife 2 months after me. It's only by phone since we live in different states, but we use each other to lean on. Again, it's part of my rear view mirror life, but we talk for hours about those days. I'll be 72 this year and I find more comfort in the 60's and 70's. 

I understand that too.  I am looking into the rearview every day of my life as well.  It's very difficult to do, and somedays I can't do it but most of the time, the rearview is what makes me smile/cry but most importantly have the courage to look ahead as well.  

It's so much struggle and added heartache to really truly search your soul and answer your own questions as to how you want to live or who you want to be.  The struggle is real that is one of the few truths I know.  If the rearview is your safe spot, your happy place; visit it as often as you want to without any mind to people who tell you how you should be.  After all, you shouldn't be anyone or anywhere from where you want to be.  geez, that sentence feels like a morbid version of Dr. Suess.

When or if you're ready to look away for a moment no matter how long or soon it takes you'll know it.  

It is my safe and happy place while it allows me to quiet my emotions down and be able to deal with the here and now. The memories of the past help to clear away the clutter of the mind for me. Both bring tears, but the past outweighs the present for me right now in happy memories.

Sis,

I am glad you have someone to lean on and talk to. That's a good thing.  I pray it brings you comfort.

I too find yoga relaxing, gives me a break from life in a way.

Hello sis.  You’re still moving forward and at not quite two years, you are still trying to cope with your loss.  Living life through the rear view might be your way of dealing with your grief.  It probably will continue to some degree even after grief leaves you, however, there will be less tears and sometimes even smiles as you recall the many memories of your life together.  I know I don’t want to forget my husband, he was also my soulmate. I am grateful for that and the fact that he gave so much of himself to me and others.  Disappointed only that he left so soon.

Grief changes as we go along.  There is no specific length of time or ways to speed up the process.  I think we’d all like our old lives back, it was comfortable and predictable along with us feeling protected and self-assured.  That rug has been pulled from beneath us and we must now figure out our way forward.  Are we even who we think we are or are we going to evolve into someone new?  That sounds odd, I know, but there is so much uncertainty in the beginning, so many things to think about, it’ makes us yearn to return to those good old days.  We learn to take small steps. We learn to accept there will be setbacks and failures as we attempt to address issues that our spouses were once responsible.  Life doesn’t have to be perfect for it to still be good.  

I am not a recent widow, my husband passed eleven years ago.  There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him. We can’t “delete” these memories, they will always be a part of our lives.  In time the awful pain does ease and we begin to function again. Our main focus will be moving forward but we will still glance at that rear view, remembering where we’ve been.

 

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