A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
10 weeks is so very raw still and that empty feeling is something that I identify with. It will be 6 months for me on the 20th, and I am not sure how I will go that day. Monday's are hard for me, but they are getting better now. There has not been a day where I do not think of Keith even now, though I now find that I smile more at the memories and the tears are less. The pain is still there, but more managable, most of the time. Tears still come, but not as often.
All I can do is send you (((HUGS))) and let you know that I am thinking of you.
I lost my husband 4 years ago (5/26/07). It's doesn't seem like it's been that long! I remember feeling so much like you do those first few months. I was drowning in my pain and there were times where it hurt so much I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach and I would have to gasp for air! The pain can be so gut-wrenching and soul-tearing that it really does make it difficult to breathe! Now, 4 years later, I still have occasional moments like that (had one just last night), but they're not as painful and as you can see I have made it this far! You never get over the loss of your beloved, you just learn to live and deal with it better. It does get easier- you just need to take it moment by moment, then it will be minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day until it becomes week by week, month by month and eventually year by year. And in this process you will have many times where you will go back to that moment by moment, just breathe and go with it, the pain will ease and you will get through it. The hardest thing for me has been that people are so reluctant to talk about Mike- BUT I DO! I talk about him ALL the time, to my kids (now 12 and almost 15), to my friends, my family- everyone. It helps me keep him alive when we share memories of him. Yes there are tears because we all miss him so much, but I won't let people act like he didn't exist because they are uncomfortable or afraid of my reaction! When people asked me what they could do for me in those early days I always asked them to share their memories of him or talk about experiences they had with him. It's taken his mom 4 years, but this year on his birthday (5/17 - we always have dinner together like we did when he was alive) we were able to laugh and get through the night with no tears! And belonging to groups like this help so much! I used to read and post on the Widows Wear Stilettos site- I spent HOURS on there because I felt so CONNECTED and UNDERSTOOD by the people who belonged to this terrible club called WIDOWHOOD that we had no choice about joining. So I hope that you will continue to write and share with us so that we can help you get through these rough times. Sending you lots of hugs, strength and positive thoughts!
First off I am so sorry for your pain and the loss of Micky. When I read all of the post I see all of my own words. I never would of guessed so many people could feel the same way that I do about my husband. He also was my life and I feel like I don't have one without him. I lost so much of who I was when he was sick and the only thing I seem to be doing is what he did. We did most stuff together but we did have our own hobbies also. Now I have no intrest in mine only his.I can't figer it all out and maybe someday I will but if thats what it takes for me to feel close to him I will gladly do that the rest of my days. I prayed so hard for God to cut my life short and give KC those days or years I just couldn't make it happen. Now I pray for it to be short so I can be with him again. I know thats not right or healthy but it is the truth. I would do anything just for more time with him.
I say have made it this far and I still am going on with a life without Mike. But I do have to tell you that although I don't wish my life to be cut short I honestly would be okay if I died today, and that doesn't mean I am suicidal- I would NEVER do that to my family- I have a friend whose ex-husband did that and 3 years later they are still in a terrible place. Suicide is a very selfish act. I know I'm supposed to have all these things to look forward to- kids graduations, their marriages, grand kids, etc. But I'm not excited at those prospects- I don't feel joy when I think of the future. I feel bad for my children that I think this way, but it's the truth. What I do look forward to is them becoming adults so that if something were to happen to me they will be okay and I know they will be because they have their lives in front of them. I'm going to Camp Widow in August and I'm hoping that I can get some insight and tools so that I can feel better about being alive without Mike. I think another reason that I feel this way is that I'm lonely - I miss the companionship, friendship, the kissing and cuddling, knowing that there is someone at home waiting for me or coming home to me. I miss the laughter and the quiet moments, the loving looks from across the room when our eyes met, laying next to him reading books or watching tv together. Yes, I'm lonely and the thought of 'dating' turns my stomach. So, I just trudge a long day by day wondering when I'm going to feel better and if I will ever be happy again. I'm glad we widows have this club because I know I'm not alone.
oh, gosh, everything is so new and raw for you. I hope you can find comfort in your family, and hope you can be honest with them about how you are feeling, but remember, we are here always for you, because we understand the need to let go and FEEL the grief, express it, not hold back for someone else's comfort.
Best wishes and virtual hugs to you, as you heal on this journey.
Thanks Susan.....I'm having a much better day today. Spent it with my 13 month old grandson....if he can't make me smile....nothing will:)))))