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Comparing widowhood with loss of spouse! (Was: "loss of child and/or spouse")
I do not want to sound insensitive. I just have a question for any one that has gone through something like this.
I have had people say "at least this wasn't your child". I can understand how the loss of a child would be devastating, but thank God I have not experienced that.
The loss of my husband who I grew up with and married at 19 and he was 21 has been devastating to me and also our children.
How is this pain different with the loss of a child?? I know they are your flesh and blood and it must be horrifying too, but what is different in the loss?
Thanks for listening, Phyllis
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Sanmora on -
One isn't worse than the other. They are different, but both devastating. When I lost my son in September of 2010, my husband was there with me. We grieved for the future that Rich would never have. Nine months later, June 30, 2011, my husband died. I grieve for the future that I won't have. And the loss of what we had together. That is the difference. As a parent, I felt that I should have been able to protect my child, even though he was grown. As a widow, I feel that I have lost part of myself. And since they both died suddenly within a few months of each other, the grieving is all mixed together. I feel that I have come a long way, but still have much farther to go.
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Permalink Reply by Brandywine Gal on -
I realize this thread is a month old, but I was reading the comments of someone who requested to be a friend and came upon this thread. Having just lost my husband June 8 after 39 years of marriage, and having lost our son 14 years ago when he took his own life at age 22, I can tell you the pain and grief is different. I also lost my mom Jan 13, 2011 so not long ago. My dad passed away 22 years ago, and I have lost very close friends, one in particular just a couple years ago, and also two very close gentlemen in their mid 80's, and our son-in-law's grandfather who raised him. The past two years have taken 6 dear ones from us.
First off we expect to lose our parents at some time, my dad was only 72 so his death was early, my mom was 87 and had health issues for years so it was expected. Dr Brian and Uncle Doug were 85/86 and had led full wonderful lives, so again we knew it would happen. Dear Dr Buzz, who was like my brother fell asleep in his chair at 72, just like my dad and was gone far too early. Djed (grandfather) passed in his mid 80's and it was time as his frail body couldn't take any more. He had lost the family farm of over 400 years, was in a regee camp in Kosovo, immigrated to a country where he couldn't understand anyone, and so far from his beloved farm and the life he once loved.
When we lose those who have lived full wonderful lives we are sad, but we "get it" - it was time for them to go on to the other side, to greater and better things..........we hope.
Losing our son at 22 1/2 years was devestating-it literally ripped a part of me emotionally and physically out. There is place in my very being that can never be healed, it is far smaller and less inflamed now, but painfully lurking deep inside. I felt in shreds for well over a year. Suicide is a violent end to a life, a life I as a mother gave him. He was exceptionally brilliant like his father with IQ's over 160. I will go on record and say losing a child, a child you carried, a child you birthed, a child you nurtured, a child you would have given up your life for, is the most painful expierence a mother can ever endure.
In time the grief gets gentler, but there were times I wanted to take my own life as well, as I couldn't stand the pain. I finally understood his daily darkness and relentless pain. The doctor had me on antidepressants and I kept feeling more and more suicidual. Something deep inside said to stop taking them, and I did. In one week I was back to feeling normal not depressed, sad of course my son was gone, but I knew I must not join him. One doctor latter told me it is necessary to go through the stages of grief, not to prolong it by taking meds. For me he was so correct. We must go through the steps of grief to heal, to regain strength again, to live again.
In time I could feel again, smile, enjoy life, and often fondly think of Joshua and wistfully say oh JD would have loved this. I know my husband began to die the day we lost Josh. I know he blamed himself as they were so much a like. Depression and anxiety run in my husband's family. Only the doctor told us Josh would outgrow the depression, he'd get over the break up of his fiancee, the love of his life. Well he was very wrong. In looking back we now now Josh was bi-polar. My husband had anxiety issues and under stress had panic attacks. Depression is a cancer of the mind and just as relentless, and you can't cut it out, or use chemo to burn it out, it is there colouring every thought, dragging you into darkness further and further into a dark deep hole. I so wish Joshua could have been treated for his depression with medications as I am sure he would still be here today God willing.
My husband dealt with stress by keeping it inside, he couldn't express his emotions ie feelings about anything personal. He was raised in an extremely legalistic religious family. His father, a minister, was soft compared to his demanding of perfection mother. His relationship with his mother was caustic at best, same with his youngest brother's nonrelationship with the entire family. Very sad, so very wrong., and can't be changed
Steve, my sweet husband could and did deliver amazing presentations to hundreds of people, and spoke with authority from a stage. He was a brilliant man with an endless vocabulary, and contop expert in his field. He is the most intelligent man I have ever known. His mind was one of the things that attracted me to him. He was the first man that I knewwho was smarter than me. :-) Sorry it has always been an issue, even when I was amongst the minority of 10% women attending Standford and grad school back in the 60-70's there were few really brilliant men. Besides Steve was immensly handsome to boot. He and Barry Gibb could have been twins.
My husband was diagnosed Christmas Day 2011 after being rushed to ER. He was jaundiced, confused, and lethargic. It had happened over a few days and we both thought he just wasn't feeling well. He had been taking naps each day and seemed tired.
Doctors had said it was still the post concussion syndrome manifesting itself anew. He had suffered a concussion a couple years ago when he was taking the garbage bins out and the wheel caught on the hose and he wernt down hard on his forehead on our cement drive. He had been having memory issues, confusion, tiredness, headaches, etc since that time Nov. 2009.
From Christmas 2011 until his passing June 8, 2012 Steve was in the hospital 11 times. He was due at UCSF (Liver/Kidney transplant Program) the Monday he was once again rushed to ER with severe Hepatic Encephalophy. He had just been released at Sunday 7 PM, just hours before being readdmitted, Monday 10 AM. I am still trying to sort out what happened, as a paracentisis was done on Tuesday?, why? I didn't give permission, and he was to be tranferred to UCSF.
When I kissed him good bye and left to go home on Tuesday I had feed him some pinapple, and his favourite Luigi's Gelato he was able to talk a little. The last thing he ever said to me was that evening, he was having trouble speaking, he said "Please Understand" and I have tried to figure that out. At the time I thought he meant he was having trouble speaking which sometimes he did with the HE. The next early AM a nurse calls and asked if he had been repsonsive the night before. I said well sort of but having trouble but responded to touch.
Steve had gone into a coma, septic shock, amonia level of 360, and extreme metabolic acidosis, renal failure, etc. How can all of this happen in a few hours in the hospital? I fear the infection was caused from the unauthorized paracentisis. His MELD score wasn't high enough for transplant. Nothing adds up. Especially when the doctor said to me in ER "guess we shouldn't have released him last night".
OK I have gone way off the question of differences in loss. Sorry. One thing I might add is that losing my husband has brought back all the grief and pain of losing our son 14 1/2 years ago. So now it is an entertwined grief I am feeling - grief of the loss of our son so early in his life, and the loss of my sweet husband just 2 months past his 60th birthday, also far too young. His parents are in the mid 80's, his grandparents passed in their mid 90's. Passing at 60 in his family well it is a first.
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Permalink Reply by bj628(Bonnie) on -
I have lost a 6 yr old to cancer, a father and husband 5 months apart in 1979, my mother, and my bes friend, then my husband 6/28/2011.
They ALL HUrT, they all take going through Grief..ANd they are individual. Lsoing a child.. you "wonder" what his dreams would have been.. how he would have grown, etc..
Just chalk the comment up to that person is an IDIOT and has apparently not lost anyone close.
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Permalink Reply by Marianne on -
At my husband's memorial a nephew of my husband's step dad remarked that he knew how I felt. I asked him if he ever lost a spouse and he said no only an Uncle. I said that losing a spouse was the most devastating lost for me because of the intimate nature of the relationship. He then added that the step dad had the worst loss of all, losing his step son. I looked at him and said "Yes he is in pain, understandable so because they were also best friends but don't diminish anyone else's pain." And then he walked off. I made my point.
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Permalink Reply by bj628(Bonnie) on
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(((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) Sanmora & Brandywine. Yes I think all the grief comes back, memories, thoughts of what "could" have been and future dreams Smashed... It is a dark tunnel, I wasn't sure I could or wanted to even find my way out... Why? what purpose to I have here on Earth. We never know how long someone will be in our lives..
I'm Free
Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free
I'm following the path God laid for me.
I took his hand when I heard him call,
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way;
I found that peace at close of day.
If my parting has left a void,
Then fill if with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss;
Ah yes, these things I too will miss.
Be not burdened with times of sorrow.
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full, I savored much.
Good friends, good times, a loved one's touch
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief,
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me.
God wanted me now, He set me free.
This poem was given to me by my step daughter's partner, It was on John's memorial... I wanted to share it with you..
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Permalink Reply by Brandywine Gal on
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This hits close to my heart and I probably have offended some here, as I have lost a child by his own hand almost 15 years, and two months ago today I lost my husband of 39 years, and it was 15 months prior we lost my mom. I will say mom was 3 weeks shy of 87 and had been in failing health for a few years. Perhaps her age and expecting it made it easier to accept-if that makes sense.
Each loss depending on when and how can be the toughest for a person to bear the pain and grieve. I have know men who grieved over loosing their dad to the point they never recovered to lead a "normal" life again, and I am talking about 40 years of grief.
I used to just about deck folks when they'd ask if I was over it yet-loosing our son. Enough said.
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Permalink Reply by bj628(Bonnie) on
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