Intuitively I knew there was something not right for me with the five stages of grieving. Come to find out in a book I am NOW reading (it was just released) the reason there is such a disconnect for me is that - those stages were written for people dying/terminally ill and helping each going through that process, in hopes would help others understand what they MIGHT be experiencing.
Nope not helpful at all because what I am in isn't a stage of life. Nothing ever expected or wanted. It's agonizing. Every day, hour, sometimes every minute.
A friend of mine, who once coached me as a caregiver for my mom years before she died, told me SHE found such a book when she lost her dad. "It jumped off the shelf" for her. My book is a virtual shelf in finding; "It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand," by Megan Devine.
In my growing note list of takeaways, knowing, fixing my broken heart is so impossible, it does seem accurate what I am reading in so many of the posts here, "We can't FIX our pain, but we can TEND to it." It seems now that I write that here, tending to this deep, painful feeling, may just eventually help me live WITH the pain of grief.
It's sometimes hard to listen even to my counselor (who I am about ready to meet with for only the 4th, maybe final time) who give me ideas for a solution that I just don't want or can even contemplate.
Maybe you have a book like that too? Or is one enough? I love to read so just feel like that might be useful for me - a book without boundaries for the pain I have that knows none.
PS - I can still hear my husband's cardiologist saying, "I'm so sorry you say that word (wid**) outloud," one of the times I cried with him in the few weeks after Marty passed away.
If you search in the Forum discussions for "books" you'll see several older discussions on this topic that might be helpful to you. A brand new one that I can highly recommend is Susan Hannifin-MacNab's "A to Z Healing Toolbox".
Thanks for the search tip. And I have just found Susan's website and will read more about the book. I see she is with Soaring Spirits! Love that.
Yes, Susan is the volunteer leader of our San Diego Regional Group and has presented her A to Z Toolbox as a workshop at Camp Widow. I live in Las Vegas and she sent me a carton of her books to get to those who were impacted by the Route 91 mass shooting. She has a lovely giving heart.
The book that helped me the most was AWAKENING FROM GRIEF, by John E. Welshons. I read the book through shortly after Susan passed, and even though I was so submerged in grief, I was still able to realize that there was a wealth of information and help in there. I read it again a year later, and by then much of what he was writing about I found I had experienced it, and began to understand. I've taken to reading it nearly annually, and each time I've improved and things make more sense.
Frank, thank you for the suggestion. I'm already re-reading my first chosen book. It isn't like anything else I've found with so many different ways of telling me, it's going to hurt, it will always hurt, but the hurt will over a long time, hurt a little less. What choice do I have except to hope and pray for that.
I think books are my salvation for now. First I read some books that let those new to widowhood know what to expect. ... Then I realized that if I listen to audiobooks, at least I have someone talking to me. I can't take it when it's perfectly quiet.
If anyone has book recommendations, please let me know.
Susan, I find suggestions from here, and with the one widow friend I found where I live (now I know I wasn't paying attention and it might have been a chance for me to help someone else, but how could I when I didn't understand the deepness and wideness of the pain!) Then I read snippets at Amazon to discover which one tugs at me (or not) and decide from there. I've only downloaded one audiobook elsewhere, mainly because it has a couple of meditations in it.
I appreciated "And Life Comes Back", by Tricia Lott Williford. She lost her husband when she was 31 and had two small boys at home and she wrote through that first year of loss.
BabushkaD, the title carries hope with it. I think I need to boost that tremendously right now. Thanks for this suggestion.
Yes, that title DOES sound good & full of promise.