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A lot of threads have been popping into my in box that rip at my heart in a bad way and I find myself in need to tell people of the things that keep me going.  I don't know if there are people I can share these with in real life so I hope you guys won't judge me either.  I need a space to share those things that made me love Jon so much.


When we slept I was more often big spoon than little spoon.  Unusual for the female to be big spoon I think but it worked for us.  The thing that I loved about being big spoon was that he would take my hand and hold it to his heart.  It always felt like he was tucking me into his heart.  How I loved to be loved like that.  It was always so safe, like I was home and nothing could be wrong in the world.

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I couldn't agree with you more, it's the good memories that keep us going. I just got to get my mind out of this negative self-pitty fog I'm in. Tonight or should I say tomorrow morning at 2:05 a.m. is my 1-month anerversary. Today on the job I (I travel from job site to job site) I again passed places I made good memories with my wife and again almost had to pull over to wipe tears just to see and drive. Later I was kicking myself because I made those memories knowing this day was coming when I wouldn't have her anymore. I wanted to have something good to hang onto. I do have good memories & it's time I start focusing on them instead of my selfish desire to have her back. I'll always miss her but I need to celebrate the good times.


Doug: I think we will always carry the desire to have our loved ones back.  I don't think it's selfish, merely natural because we loved them so much.


I frequently went to bed before my husband (especially in the last few months) and he would come and sit on the side of the bed and natter at me about this, that or the other thing.  For quite a while I found it annoying because I just wanted to read a few pages of my book and go to sleep.  After a while I realized that it was his way of reconnecting with me after watching our daughter all day and me at work all day.  I don't think he missed a single day kissing me goodnight with the exception of 3-4 days that one or the other of us were out of town.


It's late or I guess now its getting early (past midnight) and I noticed your having a Birthday Today!

Just wanted to wish you as Happy a Birthday as possible under the circumstances.

I've been keeping a memory journal. It's all the big and little things I remember about my husband. I am afraid that my memories will fade with time, so this is my way of preserving them.

Oh I like this idea!

Today's memory:

Jon had very thick hair, which was kind of odd since both his brothers are balding.  However on our first date his hair was a little bit long and the front kept flopping onto his forehead.  For our 2nd date he had shaved his head as it was getting quite warm that year.  I told him how I was disappointed that he shaved his head so for ever after that day he kept his hair a little bit longer because he knew I liked it like that.  I think I had told him after we were married about that first date and how I had wanted to brush his hair off his forehead for him, an obviously too intimate gesture for a 1st date.  I knew I would love that man in that moment and he reminded me of it every day by keeping his hair longer.

That's very nice. Did what he knew you would love.
John did much for me to, to please me. I also, kept my hair long and black as he loved it. Everytime I went have haircut, he was always afraid that I would get it short (I was with short hair for long time). I miss his fingers through my hair :(

Salty pearl - thank you for starting this thread - to have a happy or grateful memory each day... Sometimes I write my husband a letter, "Thank you for loving me like that..." and then I offer it into a sacred fire...  I am so grateful for his inner peace that blessed our family so much...It still feels like he should walk in the door...

In our 20 years together, we always went to bed at the same time. We would talk about the day and stuff for a bit, then read, then lights out. It was my favorite part of the day because it was just us.

Booktime:  what a lovely memory.  I am sure you hold those moments very close to your heart.

Today:  Jon was terrible at doing laundry.  He frequently had what I would call "clothes mountain".  He had so many clothes that they would overtake his side of the bed (which was on the far side of the room so I didn't have to walk on his clothes all the time).  I also didn't do his laundry for the most part because he would leave all sorts of things in his pockets for later.  Now, I have to conquer clothes mountain and it's saving my sanity.  Each shirt and sometimes pj pants I use to sleep in because they still smell of him.  Some nights I'm sure those dirty clothes are the only thing that gets me to sleep.   Never have I been so glad for dirty laundry.

Today: My husband had this innate ability to find the retail prices of items.  He would buy stuff at auction to sell for profit, sometimes outstanding profit.  In all our time together I never figured out how he was able to track down what things were worth and find buyers for it all.


I've been doing the same thing buying low selling higher. My problem is I need to sell more now as I ended up with an inventory when my wife's health was in decline. I hated to make a big financial move with less than a clear head. Was kind of addicting to get a 30%, 75%, 250+% return on things. Better rate than what the banks are paying. Some day I hope to get back to thinking clear headed enough to move some things. Before my wife died I did make 2 transactions & was ably to put as smile on my wife's face in the nursing home when I told her what I did. It was that look of disbelief I found someone who wanted that junk (in her eyes). I could reminess a long time on similar topics but will cut things off here.



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