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A lot of threads have been popping into my in box that rip at my heart in a bad way and I find myself in need to tell people of the things that keep me going.  I don't know if there are people I can share these with in real life so I hope you guys won't judge me either.  I need a space to share those things that made me love Jon so much.


When we slept I was more often big spoon than little spoon.  Unusual for the female to be big spoon I think but it worked for us.  The thing that I loved about being big spoon was that he would take my hand and hold it to his heart.  It always felt like he was tucking me into his heart.  How I loved to be loved like that.  It was always so safe, like I was home and nothing could be wrong in the world.

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I find myself resentful often, of others.   I mostly chose to limit my contact with people who rant about their relationships or go on about how great it is to make it to x years of marriage.  I never got that chance and it makes me bitter so I avoid it.

I commend you for thinking about good memories, especially after just one month.  It has been eight months for me and I have just finished a photo album where I also journaled.  I wrote "The Beginning" which tells how we met and how we set our wedding date.  Then our wedding pictures and honeymoon.  I tried to remember events and would elaborate what I remembered.  I read that as time passes, we will forget, so after 36 years of being together, I want to look back at the wonderful memories we had.  It has been therapy for me also.  I have 288 blank pages out of 600, so I am thinking about some pictures that I have of us as young as 4 years old.  I am 74.  It has moved me forward.  I pray for all of us that we will be victorious.  I am confident that we will.

My Maria's laughter and joy for life keep me going. It has only been 5 weeks

I was changing the sheets on the bed yesterday and remembered Jon.  He would help me, especially with the particular set of sheets I was handling.  Every time we'd have to stretch and pull into his corner (cause I was always faster) to get those darn sheets to fit on the bed.  It's still his corner that gets "shorted" but I don't get to laugh and tease him while doing the monotonous chore.  How I miss that man!

Oh my goodness, I have the same memory! Ed and I would change the sheets together and we would just about collapse in laughter at those silly sheets! I remember him every time I change the sheets.

I appreciate your post and I know what you are experiencing. I keep a journal everyday and I find I remember many more special things as I write. My husband also sent me lots of e-cards. I logged into his card account and discovered that all the cards he had sent for the past year were there. I just resent all the cards to myself which resets the time clock. It is like hearing from him again as the personal messages he wrote were included in the card history. My husband has been gone 2.5 months and I miss him everyday.
I used to cook in the kitchen and John would be coming and saying how yummy it smells, and giving me hugs from behind and we kissed... How much I wish to have that amazing feeling again. A feeling to be a pair...

Some of us have been on this journey longer than others and I wanted to say this. As time passes, you will uncover things that will trigger the emotion and endear the love. You are already finding this true as praised found the photo album and Vettegirl the ecards and so on. It goes on for years that we discover things that remind us of our love for them.  Early in my journey, I discovered in a drawer of Kathy's night stand was every card I ever sent her or gave her from the beginning of our relationship. It took me days to get over that one let me tell you. Three years later, and I just discovered looking through her recipes, a note on a cut out from a magazine that said "cook ten minutes longer, Steve likes it that way". Because it was in her own handwriting, it touched me deeply. But it was what was on the back side of the clipping that really got me. It was a poem from some article that said...........

"If tears could build a stairway

and memories a lane

I would walk right up to heaven

and bring you back again"

author unknown

How could she have ever imagined how important that would be to me one day.

Who knows what we will find tomorrow.

Thank you for sharing this beautiful memory. 

I still have blank pages in the album and journal I put together of our time together.  I did it year by year of some of the events in our life.  I love the candid shots of him dancing, or sitting on the couch eating peanuts and watching TV, as well as other crazy shots.  I have thought about putting in pictures taken after, but I can't do it at this time.  My new project is to put together a memory quilt with some of his clothes, ties, logos (he was a usher and sang in the Men's choir at church)My granddaughter will actually do the sewing.  I am just gathering what I want in the quilt.  Our wedding pictures will be in the middle (transferred to fabric) and the other things around the side.  That is my vision.  It may change once we start. I am also making his garden, that he loved so well, and that I never ever touched, one he would be proud of, just building memories. Praying for all us that we will be strengthen and comforted on our journey.

Saltypearl...judge you? Ha! I LOVED that you would share such a sweet memory with us. I know its weird...but since you shared yours...Rick and I were poor as church mice when we first married. We lived in a trailer waayy out in the country that had no heat except for an ancient (and probably very dangerous) 4-coil space heater. We also had a big comfortable couch in the living room. The bedroom was just too cold, so we slept in the living room all winter on that  couch. His head resting on one arm, mine on the opposite. We would hug each others' legs and hips and content, so warm. I just loved it! We would laugh and say, "If people could only SEE us! Isn't this crazy?!?" Ha ha! Your memory makes me happy, salty. Thank you.

Today was a bad day, the last few days have been bad days.  Today I missed more than ever how after a bad day, unrelated to anything happening in the world I could come home and receive the hugest hug, that everything could be ok in that hug.  In reality it was likely under a minute, but it always felt like the world stood still.


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