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Miserable, gutted, scared, overwhelmed, distraught, lost, confused and mostly lonely

I posted earlier in the "Introduce Yourself" thread. All of these descriptors apply to me now. I never thought I would lose the love of my life. He was always the healthy one worrying about me. He had some ongoing pain and hip issues and we just put them off to aging. He finally got diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer in late February and died on April 10th. It was so quick and overwhelming. I took care of him at the end and he had home hospice. We had hope that he could beat this, but it had been there for at least a year and had spread. Cancer is so evil and aggressive.Losing him after 32 years of contentment is so horrible. I always said i loved my boring life and was happy just to have him with me. Now I am alone and so destroyed. He did everything: I was happy just to drift along and let him be in charge. Now I have to face life and all the difficulties that it brings. I have to learn to handle and do everything and it scares me. He was my champion and protector and now I am on my own. I get myself out of bed in the morning and take my dog out. I still stay up late into the night because I hate going to an empty bed. I eat my dinner in front of my tv which is now my constant companion.  feel like my life is over and I want to be with him. I have never felt so alone, despairing, and miserable. I have never longed to not be a part of the world before.

He was my whole world. I can't go to bed at night and I wake up feeling lost, alone, and empty. I feel like I have nothing to live for without him. I had someone to love and someone to love me. Now I have nothing. I spent my whole life with him. I want to reach out to others to see if what I am feeling is normal. Will I ever feel happy and normal again? Is there hope for me? He Is all I ever wanted and now I have nothing. Some days I feel like I can't make it through the day. I pray I can find joy and happiness again. This is the most painful and horrible thing I have ever experienced. Can someone advise me? I want this to end but I know I have to move through this. How do I survive this misery? Will I ever be that happy, carefree person I used to be? This seems like some horrible joke that no one warned me about. I wish I could block out the pain, but I can't. It overtakes me and I can barely function. I miss him so terribly. I hope someone can tell me that I will be alright and I will find some measure of happiness again. Please help me.

Thank you.

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I miss him and am sad.I try to keep positive. I appreciate whatever keeps me strong What you wrote helps. Thank you!!

Cushy, boy can I relate to how you feel. I was in such a fog and I never thought I would stop crying. I did allow myself the space to cry and reflect. I "talk" to Mike alot, I used to write him love notes and I still do. It has been 9 months for me, I seem to be in a good place right now. I don't know how long it will last though. A couple of weeks ago my husbands brother died, and being around his wife and talking to her has helped me and its also made me realize that I have taken steps towards my future. I take it one second, one minute, one hour and one day at a time. And baby steps, just keep on taking steps every day. The loss and pain of losing our soul mate will never go away but we can learn to accept it a tiny bit at a time. He will always love you, and you will always love him. My thoughts are with you, hang on. 

Cushty, my heart breaks for you.  I'm 7 months out now and I remember so well that overwhelming feeling you described.  It takes a whole lot of patience to deal with grief.  I am so sorry you've had to join us here.

Not being very far along myself I can't advise for the long haul but I can say, I've gone through several minor catastrophes and I'm still plugging along.  I have a little more confidence.  I even bought a car all on my own!  I'm learning as I go how to handle things I've never done and it's a good feeling.  You will get there too.  I find joy in small things now.  Of course, it isn't the same, but there is joy to be had all the same.  I once wondered if I'll find beauty in anything, then I walked outside and saw a beautiful nights sky.  It gave me hope that better times were ahead.  Hugs, love and peace to you.

Oh, thank you for your kind words. I feel so sad sometimes. I am so lonely and I miss him. Your story gives me hope that I too can make it through. I want to be able find some happiness and peace. The life I lived is gone and I miss it. Your message helps me to believe. Thank you!!

Cushy, I just wanted to tell you a little something that actually is helping me.

Backstory...I was reading a self-help book about the grief of course (very early on) I came to a chapter that was telling me to get a hobby.  I literally slung the book across the room and sobbed out loud.  How the hell is a hobby going to help THIS for goodness sake.  Fast forward 5 months...

Looking through Pinterest I came across a cute little rag wreath,  looked easy enough.  They used clothing and burlap to make it.  It was in Americana colors and I wanted something to commemorate the month of July as it was our anniversary and Jerrys birthday.  Perfect I thought I have everything I need here already.  I set about, make one using Jerry's jeans and shirts.  I cried as I cut his shirts into strips and cried some more as I tied the knots.  When I was done it looked so very cute and was so special because it was his clothes...I knew I had to make one for his daughter.  Funny thing, on the second one I didn't cry.  I was proud of the way we'd each have the same "something" to celebrate "Jerry".  

After that, out of sheer necessity, I decided to make some roman shades. (I am not crafty) So, after trial and error a bunch of curse words I have 2 made.  Not the greatest but they will do.  While making the second one, I realized something.  I hadn't thought of how desperate I was feeling, I didn't think about being lonely, I had zero panic attacks while working on either project.  Eureka, I was on to something. 

Maybe the book was right.  Since then, I've been doing all sorts of crafty things just to see what I like or semi-good at.  It might be too soon for that to be of help for you now but keep it in mind.  

Something to keep your mind occupied definitely seems to help.  I had started my woodturning hobby just 3 months before Melissa was diagnosed. Now time in the shop helps me through the day.  I have also tried my hand at wood carving.  Not good at it but it seems pretty therapeutic.  Find something that you might be interested in and give it a try.  Look up "zentangle". It's a doodle method that you can do with minimal artistic talent that comes out nice.  Even better if you do have artistic talent.  It is very soothing.  

Thank you both!! I like the idea of doing something useful and productive.It puts the energy in a positive place and takes you away from yourself for a time. I will try to come up something I could try my hand at. All I do now is walk, read, and watch the tube. Having an outlet would definitely provide a positive alternative. Thank you!!

Dear Cushty1...I am so, so sorry for your loss!!  I can feel the pain you bear jumping out at me from the narrative you shared because I, too, lost the love of my life after 43 years, 9  months and 12 days of marriage.  Yes, they are everything, aren't they ? I can remember looking back on the first few weeks (I am now 6 months out today from her tasing) being in a numb, daze. I couldn't eat, or shower or shave or even change my clothes!! Everything was moving so fast around me and I was standing sill - frozen in one spot.  All the concern, careened advice from family and my church washed over me and ran off into the gutter. The "new normal" I was told to grasp seemed repugnant to me. All I can tell you is that the pain becomes a tad less intense, the grief turns into period of grief interspersed with the mundanities of life, the bursts of anguish do not occur quite so often and they are les intense.  The trigger places become more bearable and reaching out to others on this journey helps somewhat. May God give you the strength to carry on each hour ...each day. If you area  believer, and I fervently hope that you are, you wil see him again when you are called Home.

Yes, I am a believer and what you say is so comforting!! Everything you describe I feel. I do pray that I see him again when it's my time and he comes for me.This is the most dreadful thing I have experienced. I pray to make it through this intact. As you said, the "new normal" is not a normal I want to accept. I can only say I am blessed that I have God or I couldn't make it through. People like you are a blessing and I wish you peace.

Thank you!!

Cushty1 (Angel)

Dear Cushty,

I'm sorry but, for now, the best advice is to cry, rage, scream, take a hammer and beat on the sidewalk.  The pain is real and at times it will seem as though you cannot breath, like someone had just punched you in the stomach and you cannot catch your breath.  At times you will cry and cry till even you will wonder to yourself how you can cry so much.  It means that you get up in the morning, get dressed, and put one foot in front of the other.  Nibble at something, shower, go back to bed and then get up in the morning and do it all over again...Over and over again.  For me it will be 6 years this December.  Recovering from our loss is a personal thing.  Each of us takes a similar path, and for each of us, the amount of time from one stage of grief to another varies.  The pain of loss is so great that it over whelms everything.  As it recedes other pains or concerns, rise up from the fog and comes to the forefront.  Loneliness is one of them.  There is a snippet of a song, I think it was a country western one, about being "So Lonely, I could die."  I've come to believe that loneliness is spot on the Grief Path that we all go through.  It is a time when the tears have ebbed and problems like the house and financials have been handled, one way or another, and we realize that we are lone, and lonely.  Down the road you will reach a turning point and begin to climb up out of the grief pit and start to think of yourself, and improving yourself.  When you were single you had friends both male and female, and you were not lonely. We sort of have to recover to the point where we are as we were when we were single and mingled and had friends.  Its kind of a plateau and kind of a time that you lived through before you met "The One."    

(((Hugs,)))

Frank

Thanks, Frank, that gives me some comfort. Right now all I do i cry and reminisce. It reminds me of the 5th Dimension song "One Less Bell to Answer".  It seems like all I do is think of the good times and how much I have lost. I constantly think of him and put him in every scenario of my daily life: he would like this, I would love to tell him that, boy, would he have laughed about that. He is still the center of my universe despite his absence. I hope the pain ebbs away and I can live with this. Right now everything is so fresh and searing. It is a weird new world I am trying to get the hang of. It takes all my energy just to get through the day. You described the daily routine so well. It is just that my reason for being and my joy of living has been snuffed out. I wonder if those we love who precede us know how much suffering we endure once they're gone. We never had time to think of it or plan for it. Now that it's here, it is crushing.

I never knew I had so many tears!! Where do they come from?

I miss having the "One" as you described. It is hard to go back the person I was before. That was so long ago and a different world. Like I said, the only word I can put to this new life is weird.

Bless you for your kind words!!

Cushty

Thank you. I know you were replying to Cushy but your advice is what I needed to help me through this maze of loneliness and pain. It's been exactly three months today since I lost my soulmate of 47 plus years. God be with you.

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