I posted earlier in the "Introduce Yourself" thread. All of these descriptors apply to me now. I never thought I would lose the love of my life. He was always the healthy one worrying about me. He had some ongoing pain and hip issues and we just put them off to aging. He finally got diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer in late February and died on April 10th. It was so quick and overwhelming. I took care of him at the end and he had home hospice. We had hope that he could beat this, but it had been there for at least a year and had spread. Cancer is so evil and aggressive.Losing him after 32 years of contentment is so horrible. I always said i loved my boring life and was happy just to have him with me. Now I am alone and so destroyed. He did everything: I was happy just to drift along and let him be in charge. Now I have to face life and all the difficulties that it brings. I have to learn to handle and do everything and it scares me. He was my champion and protector and now I am on my own. I get myself out of bed in the morning and take my dog out. I still stay up late into the night because I hate going to an empty bed. I eat my dinner in front of my tv which is now my constant companion. feel like my life is over and I want to be with him. I have never felt so alone, despairing, and miserable. I have never longed to not be a part of the world before.
He was my whole world. I can't go to bed at night and I wake up feeling lost, alone, and empty. I feel like I have nothing to live for without him. I had someone to love and someone to love me. Now I have nothing. I spent my whole life with him. I want to reach out to others to see if what I am feeling is normal. Will I ever feel happy and normal again? Is there hope for me? He Is all I ever wanted and now I have nothing. Some days I feel like I can't make it through the day. I pray I can find joy and happiness again. This is the most painful and horrible thing I have ever experienced. Can someone advise me? I want this to end but I know I have to move through this. How do I survive this misery? Will I ever be that happy, carefree person I used to be? This seems like some horrible joke that no one warned me about. I wish I could block out the pain, but I can't. It overtakes me and I can barely function. I miss him so terribly. I hope someone can tell me that I will be alright and I will find some measure of happiness again. Please help me.
First let me express my sincere condolences on your loss. As I was reading your comments I thought I was reading something I had written myself because your feelings express exactly how I am feeling at this very moment. I so want to say something that will be of comfort to you....but I know any attempt will fall so short. Every one grieves differently and I have found that for me it has helped to get out of the house for awhile. I started going back to church and that has given me solace and peace for at least an hour or two each week. I also have a great support group of friends and family....they have learned when I just need a shoulder to lean on or just a hug. I think we will find happiness again but it will be a different kind of happiness because the joy we once had is irreplaceable.
I hope that you're right; I hope that we do find happiness. Right now I can't see it. I want to be happy again. This is the most horrible experience I have ever gone through. You lost your husband around the same time as I lost mine. I am so sorry that you have to endure this agony. I am glad you're finding comfort from church and friends. That is a blessing. I wish you health, peace and strength. Your kindness in reaching out me means more than you know. May God bless and keep you on your new path.
I’m so sorry you have suffered such a catastrophic loss, and it is very early days for you. It’s all very bewildering to know what “to do”, but sometimes, I think, you just need to “do” nothing and allow yourself to grieve, cry, scream, stay in bed for a day, etc.
Nothing about loss makes sense. I look at men my husband’s age and ask “why are they here and not him?”, but there is no answer.
One thing to do is to train your friends to know when to give you space. I have explained that they shouldn’t ty to stop my tears or try to “fix”me, and that’s sometimes I need to withdraw from company and to lick my wounds. It is a rollercoaster of emotion, and the way I cope- if that is the right word- is to let the tears flow when they come- wherever I am, whether it’s on the train or driving the car- . I’m no longer going to care if it embarrasses others-that’s their problem, not mine.
i understand the urge to devote yourself to something worthwhile, to help others But it is early for you. You need to take care of yourself first, before youcan take care of others. Be kind to yourself and don’t push too hard
Thank you, LP!! Your words are so comforting. I find it so hard just to function day-to-day. I know I am supposed to take care of myself and take my time. It is so stressful, as you said. I, too, look at men my husband's age and think the same!!! It is so unfair and gut-wrenching. This is the worst possible existence. What I read here really comforts and sustains me. It gets me through the bad times, which right now is practically everyday. I cry almost everyday. It can't be stopped. Your advice and kindness are so supportive. They help me so much.
I really appreciate your kind words. It helps me to read them. Sorry about your family difficulties. I hope to find peace and some sense of comfort eventually.It has been been so hard and as you said i take it day-by-day.
Bless you for your kindness!
I read your post and I could have written all of those exact words. We were married almost 30 years and my husband, who was my best friend in the whole world and I were as close as you could possibly get. He took such good care of me and treated me like gold. I can barely go on without him and it's been 3 years now. Every month gets a little worse and I"m now to the point that I don't even care what happens to me. I know my skin cancer is back and I can't afford to get insurance and I have nobody to help me, so I guess I'll just ignore it until whatever happens, happens. I know a lot of people here do all kinds of things like counseling and travel to try and make things a little better until they can find a bit of happiness after their devastating loss. I do know one woman who I met here, has found a new love, not that it will ever replace her husband, but she has someone/something to look forward to daily. So hang in there, and hopefully you will find a bit of happiness someday, like most here. I just wanted to reach out and tell you that I know exactly how you feel. The loneliness and sadness, the emptiness and the feeling that nobody cares is more than overwhelming...it's just totally unbearable anymore for me.....xoxo
Dear Cushty (Angel) and LostandSad,
We are normal. It is the most unbearable, excruciating thing that a loving heart can go through. So terrible in fact that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. So terrible that I will go through this HELL of losing him rather than even imagine his grieving me if it had been the other way around.
Angel : I remember my early days being exactly as you describe. Not eating, not sleeping, sobbing almost 24/7. I too had been a happy, social, optimistic person who was then transformed into a hermit. A loner. An outsider. I too no longer wanted to be in the land of the living. My former self would never have dreamed that someday I would program suicide hotlines into my phone and take Xanax and Zoloft. Who is this new me? After 3 years now I know there is no going back to who I was, ever. But I have also realized that it's true about every stage of our lives. There is no going back to being the child we were. Nor the teenager. Nor the 20 something.
Only those who go through this hell on earth can understand each other and due to the individual nature of grief we must find those we resonate with who are having the same feelings. That's what is "normal" now. NEVER compare your journey to other people's opinions. Society is blind with misinformation about grief. These are things that have helped me. One, about a year after losing Jim a dog came into my life. For me he became my anti-suicide dog. Animals are great companions, love unconditionally, give you something to care for, something to focus on. And in the case of a dog (and some cats) a reason to walk outside and get fresh air and light exercise.
The second and more recent thing is the book It's OK that you're not OK by Megan Devine. She was a therapist who had the "typical" views about grief and recovery until she went through the loss of her own spouse. Once she was on our side of grief she realized how wrong the outside world is with their view of us and how they think we should be. I wish this had been available for me earlier.
My heart breaks for you as you go through your own loss ! This community is here for you. I'm sure each of us would take away your pain if we had the power. Things will eventually change from the black hole of darkness where you are now. I promise.
LadyG, I could not have put it better myself, I agree with every word you said. I'm 7 moths in. The first 2 months I was in a fog and running on auto-pilot. Good thing, because as we all know, cleaning up details and legal matters requires a clear head. My head was very far from clear, but thankfully I didn't make too many bone-headed moves. Going forward, I have NO idea where this life is taking me. Very tough for me as I always have been a "make a plan and stick to the plan" kind of guy. Not anymore! Mr. Whiskers, my new best friend (our cat), is helping me immensely. He could help me more if he'd take care of the litter box, but I guess we can't have everything :-). I really appreciate this community, people I've never met have been some of the best support friends I have.
Thanks, everyone, for responding so kindly to me. It has been a hard road and I am still experiencing a great deal of sadness. It is so lonely and difficult. When you lose the love of your life and your best friend it takes getting used to. Your sense of hope and understanding makes a huge difference. I pray that someday I can find peace and a sense of balance. I am working on that. This is the hardest thing in the world and I don't wish it on anybody.
Bless you all!!
I ordered this book from the library. Thank you!!
I truly appreciate all that you wrote. It is so meaningful for me right now. I pray I can move passed this sense of bleak emptiness. Right now it is a struggle.