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Miserable, gutted, scared, overwhelmed, distraught, lost, confused and mostly lonely

I posted earlier in the "Introduce Yourself" thread. All of these descriptors apply to me now. I never thought I would lose the love of my life. He was always the healthy one worrying about me. He had some ongoing pain and hip issues and we just put them off to aging. He finally got diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer in late February and died on April 10th. It was so quick and overwhelming. I took care of him at the end and he had home hospice. We had hope that he could beat this, but it had been there for at least a year and had spread. Cancer is so evil and aggressive.Losing him after 32 years of contentment is so horrible. I always said i loved my boring life and was happy just to have him with me. Now I am alone and so destroyed. He did everything: I was happy just to drift along and let him be in charge. Now I have to face life and all the difficulties that it brings. I have to learn to handle and do everything and it scares me. He was my champion and protector and now I am on my own. I get myself out of bed in the morning and take my dog out. I still stay up late into the night because I hate going to an empty bed. I eat my dinner in front of my tv which is now my constant companion.  feel like my life is over and I want to be with him. I have never felt so alone, despairing, and miserable. I have never longed to not be a part of the world before.

He was my whole world. I can't go to bed at night and I wake up feeling lost, alone, and empty. I feel like I have nothing to live for without him. I had someone to love and someone to love me. Now I have nothing. I spent my whole life with him. I want to reach out to others to see if what I am feeling is normal. Will I ever feel happy and normal again? Is there hope for me? He Is all I ever wanted and now I have nothing. Some days I feel like I can't make it through the day. I pray I can find joy and happiness again. This is the most painful and horrible thing I have ever experienced. Can someone advise me? I want this to end but I know I have to move through this. How do I survive this misery? Will I ever be that happy, carefree person I used to be? This seems like some horrible joke that no one warned me about. I wish I could block out the pain, but I can't. It overtakes me and I can barely function. I miss him so terribly. I hope someone can tell me that I will be alright and I will find some measure of happiness again. Please help me.

Thank you.

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Dear Cushty1

I am sorry for you loss, which is so fresh and new, and the scab hasn't even started to form on your heart. My husband was diagnosed with Stave IV lung cancer last August 21, and he died December 20. My grief, too, is still pretty fresh, but I look back on the first 3 months, I and don't remember much- it was pretty much a fog of going through financial stuff and somehow going to work every day. I too sleep on the couch, sometimes with the TV on all night just for some sound, but it is getting easier. He was 64 and am now 61- too young to let go of our dreams, but they won't ever come true, so here I am, like everyone here, struggling to make some sort of sense of our obliterated world. I can only speak to you, as so many will tell you, that your grief is unique to  you because your relationship was unique. Understand the feeling numb, hollow and shattered, not to mention afraid and alone, is what is normal. BUT it will ease up, and the tidal waves of grief won't be as giant as they are now. 

This site is wonderful for all of on the 'journey', as everyone here 'gets it' because all of our hearts have been broken. But there are loving, kind, wonderful people here to help you. I could not find an in-person grief group after my husband died, but I found a closed grief group run by a wonderful therapist, and this site, of course. Two months ago, I found through Meetup, a grief and bereavement clinician who is also a widow, and works with several Hospices. I am now in individual sessions with her, and it's been very helpful.  Please keep  coming here, and know what you are experiencing is what all of have so soon after such a loss. 

Prayers to you, and please know it will get easier, but it does take time. I know that's not much solace right now when you are in the depths of losing your love, but  just take one breath at a time, and put one foot in front of the other. All trite messages, but they are true.

Peace to all my grief brothers and sisters

Steph

Thank you for reaching out to me. Yes, this is so fresh and painful. I am sorry that we have similar stories to share. These first few months have been so devastating. Like you say, I go through the motions and try to get through each day. I feel like I am in some sort of awful dream-like world that is just taunting me and making me feel more pain than I ever thought it was possible to feel. I am young too (56) and we had dreams and plans that will never come to be. Little things make me well up and cry. I try to be strong at work and around others but all I do is think of and miss him. i appreciate your perspective. I really want to be part of this community. I need to heal and move forward and want to learn from others' experiences. This is something I don't wish on anyone. I know we all have endure, but when it's this personal it's hard to understand and accept. Your advice gives me some hope and comfort. They are what I need right now. I need to feel that there is a bright world ahead of me. Right now all seems so black and I try to keep moving forward. I have never wished to not be part of the living world before. That feeling frightens me. I am such a changed person that  it so hard to even navigate the day. I used to be bright and cheerful. I am now sad and remote. I wish to be the carefree woman I once was. You give me hope that that is possible. Bless you for that.
Thank  you for your kindness.

Angel

Cushy,

Please accept my condolences on the loss of your husband. Has hospice offered grief support to you? It can be helpful. Please don’t panic. The best strategy is to focus on one day at a time. Perhaps making a list of things that need to be taken care of (prioritize) might help to declutter your mind.

You will survive, just like the rest of us here. It is frightening in the beginning, especially when we rely upon them for so many things. There are probably handymen in your area that you can call when you need help. One thing I did was to hire someone to cut the grass. That lightened my load and I didn’t have to deal with mowers, gas, and repair. You will figure what your needs are and compile your own list of “go to people”. I have found it best to avoid calling relatives or friends for help unless it is a true emergency. Life is a little more complex and we do make mistakes or fail at some tasks but we learn. I try not to view things as problems but as challenges.

I do believe it is possible to be happy again, but grieving can be a long process. It is painful but the only way forward. Be kind to yourself and also patient. This is a very good site where you are able to share your feelings with others who understand completely. Time heals. Have both faith and hope as one day you will smile again. Hugs to you Cushy!

This sucks. My husband died from stage 4 melanoma. Not from skin sight. Unknown inside location. Diagnosed Dec past this June. He was39. Love of my life   . Now gone after only 14 year of marriage and 4 young children to raise. None of us ever thought we’d be here. I am also feeling every feeling described above.  I’ll we can do is take a moment to moment. If my husband were here he would say focus on what you can see not what you can’t . So much easier said than done when you have a devastated broken up heart .

Thank you for your kind responses. Everyone seems to say keep positive, take it a day at a time, focus on the good things,take your time,  be kind to yourself and eventually you will make it through. I am sorry you have to suffer also. This does leave you confused, sad, lost and with a broken heart. It is so hard to focus. I need to do that and stay in the now. I know my husband would say the same as yours!! Grieving is a HORRIBLE, painfully long process. The words that everyone extend mean so much. It gives me hope I can make this and find my way through. I appreciate everyone's kindness and suggestions. They mean so much. Bless you all!

Cushty (Angel)

Hi, I lost my husband on February 21, 2017 to Stage 4 lung cancer. I am still having a really hard time. My husband was 61 years and 8 months when he went to heaven. I’m 53. We are 10 years apart. I lost my mother eleven months before I lost my husband. I lost my two best friends and the loves of my life! I don’t know which way to turn or what to do. I probably need to move away from here. A big house and seven acres is a lot for one person. Maybe we can talk on the phone sometime.

Jeanine, I would love to talk to you! I relate too well to what you're saying. All of what you described I feel also. I lost my very best friend to evil Stage IV cancer and I feel so lost sometimes. I wake up feeling physically sick. He was everything to me and now I have nothing. People in my life have moved on with their lives. I feel alone in my grief. I've been told to quit "blubbering" by a very close family a month after he died. Really? I just wonder if anyone realizes what it's like to lose the love of you life and be left alone with nothing? I am 56 and not excited about finding a new life. The life I had was lovely and I was happy. Please keep in touch with me. I would love to share more with you! And please take care of yourself. I know exactly how you feel right now.
Hugs!

Cushty1

I don't think there is anything we can really say to take away the barrage of feelings you have right now. This is new for you and so raw. I wish I could say I remember my first few months without Ed but I don't.  I was in a fog and mechanically went through the steps of life. (Ed died of prostate cancer) But at some point, the fog began to lift and I could look more than a moment ahead. I'm almost at 5 years (and I'm 64 so I lost him at 59) and I do feel happy with my life. It's not the happiness I had with Ed - you captured that with having loved your boring life. It is different but I have found some measure of happiness.

But now....just take life one moment at a time and breathe. Don't listen to anyone who tells you how to grieve. This is your journey. It is different and yet the same for everyone here.

And lest you think that I still don't have moments of pain and sadness, I do. They come upon me at the strangest times. But I can meet them head on and I'm not fractured when I do.

Hugs to you.

You're so kind and thoughtful to write this to me, booktime. I have days where I feel so lost and confused. I wonder if I am doing "it" right. My husband did everything so I am having to figure this all out. It is daunting and scary. It is just over three months and I miss him so terribly. I try to keep myself together, but it is the hardest thing I have ever done. It is really testing my mettle. I do feel like I am in a fog. The pain and the loss are so palpable. I just try to get through each day and say I did it myself. That is huge for me. Cancer is the most evil thing I could imagine. It destroyed my happy life, yours too. 

I really do want to find peace and happiness someday. This pain and emptiness is crushing. I know I must grieve, but I cannot imagine anything so profoundly horrid as this. I am trying to take each day as it comes and not get too far ahead of my thoughts. If I do that, I get scared and retreat into melancholia. I want to see light and hope again. I pray that I will someday.

Thank you for your wise advice. I am learning to accept this and realize that it is my journey. Others who mean well but do not truly understand are not helpful for me right now. I have focused on those who are supportive and more compassionate. Until one has experienced this dreadful loss one  can never know how powerful the grief and pain are. I need to heal and grow. I want my husband to be proud of me knowing I was able to grieve him yet survive this as a whole, complete and stronger person..  

Your experience gives me hope and faith for my future. I helps me to see a light, although dim now, at the end of this journey. I see strength in you and want that for myself. Your example proves that I can make it to the other side and be whole. Thank you. It means so much to me to read that. It comforts and encourages me. 

Bless you and be well!!

Cushty1 (Angel)

I thought of you this morning when I was at the summer service at my church (UU). It's a more informal service and the spoken words really resonated with me. Maybe they will help. The idea was a bouncing ball can come down hard on the earth (we lose our loved one, can't get much harder than that!), but the ball is resilient and bounces up again. The thing is, it doesn't bounce up in the same direction it came down. It may go off in a totally different trajectory. But it does go up again, it's just not the same up. I liked these words. I feel this is what has happened to me. I fell to the earth but now now I am coming back up, it's just so different, it's not the same me. But that doesn't mean it's a me I don't like. I do. I like this upwards path.

Keep on posting and keep on questing. The light will get less dim. I don't know how strong I am but as Ed used to say, I gotta do what I gotta do!

Hugs to you.

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