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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

so I’m brand new to the group. Brand new to Widowed Village. Unfortunately not brand new to grief. I think I’m okay, but that’s relative to the time of day or night. 

I lost my husband in December. I lost my sister in February of 2017. The one was expected as much as death can be expected as my husband had been ill for 6 years.  My sister, well at age 42 she fell asleep and never woke up. I’m not even sure the reality of Ricks passing has really hit as it seems I’m still trying to cope with losing Ericka. I know that nothing prepared me for the loss of both of them in less than two years. I know I never envisioned a future where both of my best friends would not be here with me. I’m hoping that reading others stories will give me hope. Hope that this pain will ease. That I will find joy in life again. Even writing that makes me feel guilty. I have so much to be grateful for; children, my parents, friends, my church family, my faith. Yet I’m still empty. And so sad. But I know it will get easier. At least I think it will. Thank you for having a place to vent. A place where I’m guessing nobody is going to just tell me to get over it and do this or do that. I know my family means well, but I’m just not ready to sell my house and find a new job and a new purpose. Sometimes just taking a shower feels like a big accomplishment. Rambling rambling rambling. My thoughts aren’t even making sense today. 

Thanks again for a place to be

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Replies to This Discussion

Marina, I am also brand new to Widowed Village. In fact this comment is the first thing I have ever written on the site. Reading your post gave me a little courage to do so. I also lost my Wife of 36 years in December. She lost her battle with Renal Cancer after being diagnosed in May of last year. I'm sorry I don't have any answers for the pain that your experiencing with your losing your sister and husband, especially so close together. I am feeling and going through the same pain and guilty feelings you are. Like you, I joined this site to try and look for some answers and find a way to move forward in life again. Like you, it has been a day by day struggle. The only thing I would advise is to not make any irreversible big decisions for the first year. I know that rule has kept me from selling my house quitting my job and just disappearing. I don't know if that is good advice, but I think it has saved me from some mistakes so far. Like I said I don't have any answers, but I wanted you to know you are not alone. I hope this site can help us both. Take Care

30 hours and counting since I joined. And yes your advice is good advice. Though I’ve listed my house, I am not trying to sell it per se. just seeing what kind of interest I may get. Living up here alone makes no real sense. We loved it here. But my closest family is over an hour away. Therefore it might make more sense to be closer to them. I just don’t know. That’s one of the hardest parts, the just not knowing what to do next. My job is disappearing on the first of May as our clinic is closing. Jobs are scarce up here and the thought of commuting two hours a day is not something I even want to attempt to do again. Did that for ten years in the past. Not fun. I’m still trying to figure out what to cook for dinner for one person. It was hard enough for me and Rick as he rarely ate much. But for just me, well Kraft Mac and cheese ended up being the choice. Tuna sandwiches were getting old. Stupid things like that are what makes me cry half the time. How do I make tacos for one? Or spaghetti? Don’t even care anymore. But I need to care. I know that’s what Rick would want for me. I do think this site will be helpful. Last night I got on the chat site and chatted with some really nice folks. Made me feel less alone. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for reminding me I’m not alone. You take care as well!

Hi Marina, sorry we are having to be here. I am new to the site also. I lost my husband of 35 years in June, a complication from surgery. I noticed you mentioned not being ready to sell your house and  family meaning well but . . . I have two sisters and within 2 days of each they called and suggested to me about selling. It annoyed me a bit. Clearly they were discussing it and then suggesting to me. But I have read several articles about not making big decisions too quickly. I think when the time is right, both you and I will know. Listen to your gut.  The loss of your husband is still new. I know I am still having bad days quite frequently. It is a very personal journey. I have to tell myself several times a day to just breathe. Take care.  Kris

Hello Marina and all the others who posted. I am relatively new to this group, though my husband passed May 28, 2015.. still not "over it" but dealing with it a bit better. I also had several losses close together, my husband (of 21 years) quite suddenly and totally unexpected in May, in June our cat, in July our dog, and Dec. my best friend.  I know some people don't think pets are important, but to me they are family and our "children" as we never had children.  All I want to say is that what you are going through is normal. I'm not going to tell you it will "get better", or say "get over it" because I'm sick of people who say that to me. You will never "get over it", you will always have this loss and this hole in your heart will always be there.  Perhaps you just learn to live with it...

I still miss my husband and think of him every day, but at least now I'm able to actually get out of bed in the morning and take a shower, etc. Wasn't able to do simple things like that for a long time. And I still go weekly to a grief therapist, who lets me know I'm not crazy.

But -- I know from members of a Grief Support Group I went to, early on, and those I still have contact with who made BIG decisions like selling a house within the first year, are now regretting it. My suggestion is make NO big decisions in the first year, because honestly, you are not "thinking right" -- still in deep grief, give yourself some time to heal before any big decisions, unless you absolutely have to. 

All my best, remember you're not alone. Hopes this helps. Take care.

D.

Dee1960 & Kris63 and of course Marina,

Nice to read your posts to Marina's topics, I am also new to the site and just lost my wife of 36 years in December. I keep hoping to find an answer for all the pain and I am hoping it subsides soon, but I know it is different for everyone, I'm just concerned I will be one who it stays strong for a long time. I know fpr me coming home, going to Bed and waking up are the hardest parts. I have driven arounfd the block or sat in my driveway for a long time dreading going in and not being greeted and hugged by my wife. Sticking to the not making any big decisions and I even wrote it down with some other cautions and affirmations to try and move forward each day and if I hadn't done that and read it every day, I know I would have sold my house and quit my job and just tried to disappear. I kknow everyone is different but it kept me from already making some big mistakes. It is so hard to think straight and I have never been one to be forgetful or disorganized, but i find my brain not working correctly right now. Hoping it passes. If anyone comes across some helpful hints that worked well, please share

Dana775, that "brain fog" (as I call it) will decrease with time. You are still "new" to this grief.  I think I had total "brain fog" for about a year.  And still, somedays, it comes back... ie: what day of the week is it? where did I put the keys? why did I walk into this room?  And I'm only in my 50's, so don't think it's Alzheimers.

Mornings are hardest for me... waking up to another day without him.

Things that helped me:  Getting (rescuing) a dog. A dog who depends on me, who greets me at the door, that unconditional love of a dog who sleeps with me at night.  Meditation workshops. Reading about the AfterLife and knowing he's not really "gone" just in another place. Talking with Mediums. Knowing we will meet again. Grief Support  Groups and grief counseling.  

Everyone is different, but I don't think I'll ever stop loving my husband or missing him -- and really isn't that OK?

All my best,

D.

Dee, Thanks so much for the suggestions and I am definitely feeling the "Brain Fog" Glad to hear it may go away in about a year. And thanks for the Dog suggestion, I was thinking of getting one, but am postponing as part of no big decisions for a year. I like the meditation workshop idea too. I know I will never stop loving my wife, but really want to move past this intense pain in my chest and get back to the loving feelings we had all of our life, just hard right now to get the pain out of the way to let the love flow back in. Really appreciate the suggestions. Thanks so much

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