Mother's Day and other triggers in May.

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Suzy on May 9, 2011 at 10:20am

Lots of triggers in May for me too.  I made it through Mother's Day with the help of my stepson and his lovely family.  Nick's birthday (Jim's son) is May 10th and I know it will be hard for him without a call from his dad.  May 14 would have been our 16th wedding anniversary.  Last May we knew Jim had liver cancer but he was on the transplant list and we were prepared to move up to the Carolinas to wait for a compatible liver.  However, on May 12th he fell 20 feet off a ladder and broke his pelvis.  So we couldn't travel to the Carolinas and soon we found out the cancer was very agressive.  He died last Dec. 20th.  I miss him every day and feel so-o sad that he missed out on so much more life.  Every day brings more tears and sorrow.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by SallyStarre on May 9, 2011 at 11:00am

Suzy I am so sorry for your loss.  My husband received a heart transplant 15 years ago January.  He died March 12th.  I am forever grateful to his donor for giving us 15 wonderful years together that we would not have.  He was my best friend and I am also having a difficult time together we 'celebrated' our 25th wedding anniversary in January also.  I too have my stepson and his family who have been a source of strength for me. 

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Dawn- Clouds Mum on May 11, 2011 at 1:56am

Oh suzy how sad I am for your loss. We do have one thing in common though my Keith died on the same day as your Jim. He died at 6.30am at home. We had home hospice and it was his wish to die at home. I am glad I could grant his last wish.

Like you I miss Keith every day and always will. To me each day brings a new challenge. So far so good, I am still meeting them, not always well, but I am still meeting them.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Bitterlee on May 9, 2011 at 4:52pm

I'm not a fan of Mother's Day. Jon died Mother's Day weekend. (my last memory around that time is seeing him being wheeled away for organ donation surgery. On Mother's Day.) I try to stay as kind as I can to people who insist on sending me texts and Facebook posts, because they're really just trying to be nice.

 

I don't know how to explain to people who don't already understand that I am not a fan of the holiday. I can't change how I remember it, and I can't not think of it that way anymore. I usually just like to hide.

 

Tomorrow is D-Day for me. I have something planned. Oddly, it's raining, which was Jon's favorite weather out here. I'm going hiking, (rain or shine), up in the mountains, because I haven't gone since about six months before he died. It's another "first" I've put off for a long time.

 

If it rains tomorrow, it will be just like the last time we went hiking together. It was beautiful, (even if it was cold.) I'm looking forward to it. Then, I'm looking forward to getting May over with. This is not my favorite month.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by KristyAnn on May 11, 2011 at 12:21am

This is the second Mothers Day without Ray, last year was just another day my son was only 3 and we were still getting settled in our new home.  This year was so much better, my dad took my son to Wal-mart to get me a gift.  My son picked out a vanilla candle (I love candles), and he even picked out a funny card.  Sunday morning he ran into my room and said Happy Modders Day Mommy!!  then he proceeded to tell me what my gift was and then told me it was a secret. :)  Gotta love 4 yr olds.  It would have been 10 times better if my hubby would have been with us.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Teresa on May 11, 2011 at 12:51am

Hrmmm...let's see.  I turned 40 on May 4th, the age doesn't bother me, but really didn't feel free to celebrate.  My birthday will forever hold memories of when Roy got put back into ICU with C-diff.  It really went downhill after that point.  Of course then there was the dreaded Mother's day, I really tried to have fun, my heart just wasn't in it.  I am dating someone and he tried so hard to make it a better day, poor thing.  Then the big one is coming up.  The 2 year sadiversary or angelversary (whichever you prefer) is coming up on the 25th, been feeling the darkness creep in whenever I think about that one.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Dianne in Nevada on May 11, 2011 at 1:22am

Oh ... c-diff, I'm sorry.  My Vern dealt with that, too. Just a horrid infection.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Teresa on May 11, 2011 at 8:26pm

Thanks Diane.  It was bad.  He had bone cancer in his hip so moving him for anything was an ordeal.  So along with the all the icky c-diff stuff, moving for all that was extra painful.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by UpNorthWidow on May 12, 2011 at 3:29pm

Mothers day and the days surrounding it have always been special to Mark and I you see 10 years ago the day before Mothers day I gave birth to our first son!  Today is his birthday and we had so many plans for what we were going to do for this 'special' move from a little boy to a boy.  Now it has turned into any other. Birthday - I bake cupacks for him to bring to school, he has Chinese for dinner and he has a laser tag party with his friends this weekend - nothing special.  What makes May also suck is that it was when we went up to our cabin most every weekend getting it ready for summer.  Since that was were he was when he died I have mixed emotions about going up there at all!  But the boys REALLY want to go there for Mark's birthday (6/5) and go hike to the spot on the snowmobile trail where Mark died.  I'm not really sure I am strong enough for that now but everyone says I have to do it - for the boys.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Dawn- Clouds Mum on May 12, 2011 at 4:28pm

I detest the fact that "everyone say" this or that as if they know what is best for you or your family. I am sure that it happens to a lot of widows. I also dislike the fact that people say "you have to do it", as force even gentle force makes me buck in the other direction.

If you don't feel ready then you don't feel ready. Just because everyone says you have to do this for the boys doesn't make it right for you. 

1. How old are the boys?
2. Is there someone else who can take them?
3. Is there someone else who can come with you, if you decide to go, who can help you with this journey?

If you are not ready then maybe it is not the right time to go there and other peoples expectations are not the thing any of us has to follow right now.

You will go when you are ready to. Forcing yourself may not be the best idea for you, the death of your husband is not like falling off a horse - getting back on again is impossible. Life has to be rebuilt slowly for you to be strong enough to face some things. I remember dreading facing the spot on the road where my first husband was killed in an accident and it took me 2 years before I was able to do it. That said I was not pushed into doing it at all, everything I did was at my pace then and it is at my pace this time too. My stubborn streak gets going if people push me to do something, so it is a bit of a protective mechanism.

You are probably stronger than you think, but if you find that you end up going to the cabin take someone with you who is stong too. This is a suggestion to help you and the boys along the way and give all of you a person to lean on.

Take care of yourself and take it easy on yourself. You have to do the grieving the right way for you and your family, not the way you are told to grieve by me or anyone else. The journey is your journey to work through.

(((hugs))) to you and the boys

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by pegster999 on May 16, 2011 at 6:13pm

Mothers Day never has been, and never was a big deal to me.  I had a quiet day with my sons, we were able to play outside.  The night was very hard, the next day was the 6 month mark since Mike passed.  Hated being alone, but got through.

Now it seems my upcoming birthday is what's really getting me.  The coupon for the free Red Robin burger that we always did on each of our birthdays.  He took me to a MLB game around this time as a birthday present.  I even think about baseball or see the name of the stadium it brings tears to my eyes, thinking I should be there now.  Maybe i could still do these things, but what's the point by myself.  Yes, I have my kids but when they really can't talk to you, and nothing against them I need some adult company, someone that will talk and hug back.  Then the bother of finding a sitter.  Really, other than my mom I doubt anyone would know otherwise.  I am not showing it on my FB profile anymore.  I did find out through Twitter one of the members here has the same birthday as me, which was cool.  But then I get all the reminders in my email.  I don't know what's worse, the fact that I am going to be alone, fighting off all the memories, or that I don't have anyone that I can get comfortable enough to talk about this to.  I feel I need to put on the I'm ok act when all the people for my kids are here, my parents, whoever.  Even my children.  It most likely will come out in the middle of the night.  Like I sleep anyway...  I'm just thinking about him a lot today and really off. This birthday thing is just something I want to be over.

• ▶ Reply

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• Next ›
• Page