A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
It seems as if days go by, Some days when I wake up.. I feel like I am just waiting for the day to pass until i can go to bed.
I feel like I know many of you. The rug has been yanked out from under me.
All of our plans for retirement are ...Gone.. Vanished.... Now what.. I feel as if the Futured is Gone.
How to make new plans Alone. How to find goals and reasons?
Some days, I feel as If I am just passing time, until I can be reunited with him..
My life pretty much revolved around him, and the things we did together.. The Motivation now is..Gone.
Does anyone else feel this way. The world is going on.. but I feel like I am "stuck"
Let me assure you that you are definitely not the only one who feels - or has felt - this way, bj628. Read through some of the discussions here in Widville and you'll find many posts along these lines. "Our" plans are gone but "I" am still here. The tough part is finding our way into that future - and that will be different for each one of us.
Time does help some. Early on I didn't want any part of it, but now (at 22 months tomorrow) I can think and do things that are leading me towards my future. I started out with a trip to a place my husband and I never visited; I've attended 2 Camp Widows and will go to my 3rd next month; I've signed up for a 4-day artsy/crafty/life-changing workshop in Idaho next month that is WAY outside my comfort zone. Just this morning, I signed up for a 21-day Meditation Challenge that I read about in a blog here. I'm searching, I'm reading, I'm trying to figure out what my purpose is now that the love of my life is no longer by my side. It's not easy. I married at 18 and we had 41 years together. Being "Vern & Dianne" is all I've known. But I can only honor his memory by finding a way to make this work.
I get where you're coming from and thought that I was moving past that feeling until I relocated. Now that I find myself in a new place, although surrounded by family, I am feeling more alone than ever before. There are days when I can't wait for the day to end so I can get back to the comfort of my bed. For me it is trying to find the motivation to put myself out there again. I've lost my confidence and that is so not like me. There are days when I feel like I can tackle the world and then there are others where I feel like I could crawl under the covers and stay there...not a possibility but some days wish it was an option.
We had just celebrated our daughter's wedding and had only been home for a month when the accident occurred and we had started talking about all the things we were going to do now that we had completed one of the last major expenses involving the children were concerned. Time for us! Home renovations, travel, etc...and then just like that in the blink of an eye all those conversations and dreams evaporated.
So now, three years later I am trying to find out what the world has in store for me. I know I need to make the effort but it has been difficult and I so desperately want to be joyful again. I keep telling myself it will happen, one day.
Oh I understand bj628, my motivation got up and left and like lifesajourney, apparently took my confidence with it. I can't believe how much my personality changed since Tom died. I don't seem to care about much either, I just feel like you do "now what". Someone wrote here, I think it was janet, about going from We to Me and I think the process stinks, but I know I have to try. Sitting on my butt on the couch on evenings and weekends is making me even more depressed.
I was so busy after my husband died. He was self employed and I had to address his customer's as to what was to happen now with their projects. Rand restored classic antique wooden boats and I ran a Maritime museum of wooden steamboats and classic boats that both he and his had collected or built over the years. His dad died six years ago. I no longer had the passion to give tours anymore and besides I needed to start to sell his vast collections of marine items so I can either sell the buildings or rent them out for an income. After having sold some boats and various other items, I find myself too tired to do anymore. I feel more depressed now then I did at first. Probably because of the huge task ahead of me on finding someone to hold an auction of all those boats and various item. Before he died I asked him what was I possible going to do with all his woodworking items, boats etc. He said hold an auction. All I want to do at the moment is get through the day and try and figure out my new normal. I don't know who I am beside Mr and Mrs. Everything we did revolved around his loves which turned into my loves. Traveling, sailing, boating, camping. He opened the world for me. I too am stuck. Grief is a strange animal, I know this is all "normal" but I want my husband back and cry because it's not going to happen. Just praying to get through another day.
Yes, I'm feeling stuck in terms of moving on and creating a new life for myself.
Something is holding me back from booking driving lessons and from investigating a possible job path. I'm just sitting at home. No motivation.
My husband died on May 24 and I had more energy weeks ago. I'm wondering if my desire to take things quietly and get lots of sleep is to do with running on adrenaline and little sleep for months beforehand and for quite a while after.
Maybe I need to take things easy for a little while?
But I really need to motivate myself for driving lessons because that means freedom. Hard to know what to do.
Actually managed to book a driving lesson for tomorrow afternoon!:)
So that will get me out and about.