Your friends should never tell you how to feel.
Only you feel what you feel. There is no right or wrong.
But to answer ... only once have I felt angry with C for dying. And it broke my heart afterwards.
It is what it is. Anger isn't a very common emotion for me to feel. I don't feel comfortable with it. So I guess maybe my friends are wondering why I don't feel angry. LOL.
I do have times of anger, but not at my husband. I get angry at life, sometimes at the decisions that were made during his treatment, sometimes at myself. It's an emotion I can't sustain for very long at the moment, but that might change?
My grandmother was also widowed in her forties when my grandfather died suddenly (an accident). She was angry at my Pa at first, but regretted that instantly. Instead, she got angry at life being unfair. She tells me now that anger got her through the darkest times of her life, that without it, she might not have been able to carry on. I think maybe she hardened her heart a little too much in order to survive, and that might have isolated her from happier times for many years. Still, I wasn't her; I didn't have to get through what she faced at that time.
She's mellowed of late and it's wonderful to be sharing a house with her just now, to have her understanding, her reassurance and love.
I really did not feel angry. It didn't make sense to me to feel that way. I respect others who experience anger. I judged myself for not feeling angry. I tried to feel angry. I thought it would help me to "complete all the stages of grief."
Now I feel totally complete in my grief. It has helped enormously to be part of Widowed Village because what my grief needs is to be recognized and respected as unique to me.
I've felt angry a few times. Mostly I just felt despair though. One time I was so angry I started throwing things into the cupboard after grocery shopping. I have been angry at him for leaving us even though it wasn't his fault. I was never mad at god either, because i am not religious either. I went through the whole range of emotions, but anger didnt hit me as much as the desperation did...i was desperately sad, scared...everything Jill mentioned above.
Everyone grieves differently, its ok if you didnt feel angry. But it might happen one day.
Anger, even rage, can be a part of grief. Like you, I have never been angry. I was looking through papers for information I needed shortly after Susan died. We had retired and moved to our home in the mountains permanently in September of 2012 and she passed in her sleep in December 2012. Among the papers I found a list of hospitalizations, surgeries, and illnesses, that Susan had compiled. We had decided to use the clinic in a nearby town for colds and aches and pains and to retain her regular doctors for the serious stuff. The list was so that she would not forget anything as she filled our their forms for that "first visit." As I sat there and read through the list that included a few heart attacks, a double bypass, diabetes for 60 years, two kidney transplants, years of hemodialysis and peritoneal dialysis, five spine surgeries, and a lastly, subdural Hematoma. I noticed that the time between the events was shrinking. It came to me that we would never have been able to enjoy our retirement together. We would soon be forced to sell our dream home and move back into the dreaded city. In November 2012, on Thanksgiving Day, as the Flight-for-Life helicopter took off from our front yard, carrying Susan to a hospital in Denver, I watched it disappear into the distance and looked up into the sky and said "Lord don't ya think she's had enough." Now, what I meant was "Lord how about picking on someone else?" Little did I know that two weeks later she would go to sleep on a Sunday night and not wake up Monday morning. After realizing that he'd called her home, answering our prayers, and there was no way I could get mad. I did wonder for a few weeks "Why Her? and not Me?" But then I realized if it were me first, there was no way she could live up here by herself, that she would have been stuck with selling the home by herself. And, I realized that I live at 10,000 feet elevation and that I was absolutely NOT going to step outside and give the Good Lord the finger! I don't think even He could pass that one up! LOL That gal went through hell on earth. I was, and am, glad that he called her home. Now it's up to me to work my way through my loss.
Anger, even Rage, can be a part of our loss..but it was not a part of mine.
God Bless You Frank! You bring tears to my eyes with your brutal honest/humble words. Thank you for lifting my spirit every time I read your posts. I was never angry at Richard for dying. He was good to me for over 32 years. I thank him and the Good Lord for loving me every single day of my life. I lost him to pancreatic cancer (horrible disease), on April 18, 2010, and have managed thru Hell and High water to carry on alone (my choice). He was my soulmate. my rock. my everything! I pray and ask the Lord to give us (You, myself and all our widow/er sisters/brothers), His comfort, strength and will to carry on until He calls us Home.
Peace Be With You,
I believe I can say that I really understand. I met Susan on a blind date and I asked her a couple of questions and did not have to say anything for nearly the rest of the date. We went to see a group called "The Misty Blush" and part way through the night we discovered that each of us was drinking the mixers straight. We were married for 35 years and she was my best friend. We went to theaters, the symphony, zoo, and the planetarium in Jax Fl. The next day after the date, I took her and her 5 year old son for a tour and breakfast aboard my ship the USS Roosevelt CV-42. We just clicked. Our likes and dislikes were similar. We found so much that we liked and her son, and especially her dog, a 126 pound German Shepherd even liked me. 6 months after we started dating the navy gave me orders to another carrier this one was home ported out of Norfolk, Va. That was what finally pushed me into asking her to marry me. I realized I the best friendship had turned into love and that I did not want to leave her. I was an EMT at the time, and she asked one night, "You know I'm a diabetic, yes, would it bother you to give me a shot once in a while?" I said "Heck no, it would not bother me to GIVE YOU a shot at all." As we got really serious she said "You know I'm a diabetic, yes, You know there can be complications from the diabetes, and again I said yes. I just did not expect her to try them all in the 35 years we were married.
Being a Military guy, I was comfortable with our marriage. It was not until her passing and my world fell apart that I realized how much I depended upon her love, her friendship, and support throughout our marriage. Her death left me stunned, barely able to breath, and crying like a baby. I was adrift in a raft in stormy seas and did not know which way was up. It's been 6 years this month, and I'm much better and am able to look back on our time together with joy and fulfillment. I would not trade a day of it. She was my soul mate too.