My husband and I took all the steps to prepare for our final days, but I don't think either of us considered it would eventually come to pass. On March 18, 2018 it did. I lost my partner of 49 years, married 43, and my life as I knew it for all those years was changed forever. The morning started as normal, he was sleeping in and was snoring, I thought. As I noticed the time was getting late, I went to wake him and could not . I called 911 and paramedics came, could not determine what was wrong, so took him to the hospital. He had a cerebral aneurysm that caused a hemorrhagic stroke which froze the vocal cords causing the snoring sound. That sound continued until he was gone, replaced by a tear falling down his cheek. He was 75 and now I find myself a 70 yr old widow lost in a world that is an uncomfortable fit for me. I found this site when I did a search to see if there were any groups in the area of NC that I live. I began reading posts and did find help from them,so decided to join.
welcome sis, we all try to help each other. It's tough to be suddenly alone after so many years of being half of a couple.
Hi Sis, I'm so very sorry for your loss. Yes, it helps quite a bit to know there are others who feel every bit as "out of place" as you. It's very normal. If you live near Charlotte, I'll be coming through on Jan 2, if you'd like to try to arrange a meet up for coffee.
Keep reading and telling your story soon you'll find it helpful. Know that you are not alone and we will always have a listening ear and kind words of understanding.
That is so sweet of you, Rainy. I'm about an hour north of Charlotte, in Lexington, but I appreciate the offer. I do find it helpful here, for the most part because you can spill your heart out without feeling like you are making people around you uncomfortable.
Welcome to our group Sis. I am sorry for the reason you have to be here. This group helps me to keep it together on the roughest of days. We come from all walks of life and from many different places. You will find comfort and love here.
The title of your comment captured me. For various reasons, I too never thought I would need help/support from anyone or anything. In life, as we grew up and went through our phases in retrospect, I think we had some training for the future. The girl of my dreams dropped me like a rock. My world was crushed. I did not think I would survive. When I saw my dog run over by a car. When I attended funerals for relatives, sometimes close, and other times so far away that I barely knew their names. But, I was absolutely not ready for the phone call had I got at 7am on the 17th of December, 2012. "Is this Frank" "Yes" Frank we were doing bed checks this morning at 6:30 and discovered Susan not breathing. We called the paramedics and they have been working on here ever since, she is not responding to their efforts. How long has she been without Oxygen, circulation? For an hour. Please tell them to stop their efforts." The last thing the nurse said was Frank, its a 2 hour drive to get here, please take your time. Don't rush, Susan will be fine, we will take good care of her."
There was absolutely NOTHING in the world, in 67 years of life, that prepared me for that call and the devastation that it brought. I had things I knew I had to do, and once our children arrived, I had to be a rock for them to help them through her death. When we all got home that night I was sitting in "my" chair and suddenly everything imploded.. I stood up, and shrieked, I screamed and I cried. I fell to my knees crying and sobbing her name over and over. I scared my children. They did not know what to do other than to help me back into the chair and hold me. My oldest called his minister back in VA and he recommended that I contact a grief group in Denver called the Heart Light Center. I did, but with the winter snow storms and pass closings it was three months till I could get down into town for a meeting. I was told of WV and I joined. I read everything I could, and sometimes reread the various postings. I looked at the Chat Room but seeing the unspoken friendships and good nature d comments I was not ready to participate. After a few tentative postings I started to get my legs under me, and began to participate more actively. Folks asked about Susan, how long we'd been married, first marriage what did she do, what did I do and so on. I began to really feel folks interest in Susan and I, and their support for me and my loss of Susan. That time I spent doubled over in agony, the suddenness of loss I knew I needed help. This was not something I could handle alone.... I needed help.
Supporting my two boys, and being supported by the Grief Group and by the WV members helped me beyond words to survive these past 6 years.
Thank You All,
We didn't take too many steps to prepare for the final days... Just our wills. But we found out that he had Brain Cancer, he wanted to hurry up and prepare for everything. I hated that. Whatever was in his name only, was put in my name. Stuff like that.
I was a widow at 59. Now I'm 62. I'm in Ohio. I looked for group like this in Ohio but couldn't find one. So I just come here once in awhile. There is a group at the church I go to sometimes.
Stay warm. I know there is cold weather headed your. :-)
We had chosen to skip vacation quite a few years ago and put the money into final preparations. I don't know why, maybe we had seen a program on tv. In hindsight I'm glad we did because it did make all the things I had to do go smooth. The living will really helped. We had got those done so whomever was the survivor wouldn't have shoulda guilt. I can honestly say I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't known for sure that he didn't want to be put on a machine.
I looked for a group in NC and had the same problem, none in my area. Like you, I come in here and the readings are therapeutic for me. God Bless
You mentioned possible seeing a commercial about final plans... When we watched TV together , if something like that came on we would just talk during the commercial. So we knew what the other wanted and didn't want. It simply wasn't written down until he had cancer. ( He was given under a year to live. But he cheated and lived 17 months.
We were married for 38 years when he passed.
Hi, I too lost my husband of over 47 years in April, 2018. We had actually been together for 50 years total. He did have some medical issues and we had often talked about what either of us should do in the event one of us died. Despite the fact that he was 71 and I am 70 we still felt we had many more years together. We had even picked out the independent living facility we wanted to go to in our eighties. So when he passed out after completing his dialysis treatment and had to be revived and admitted to the hospital we still felt this was just a minor episode that he would recover from. Unfortunately, he took a turn for the worse immediately after being told he would probably be released to go home. My biggest comfort is knowing that the last time we spoke he was in good spirits and looking forward to my coming to take him home. Less than 30 minutes after our last conversation I caught the call saying he had taken a turn for the worse. I was already dressed and preparing to go to the hospital so I left at once and instructed our daughter to get dressed and follow. By the time I arrived he was already in intensive care and several attempts to bring him back were frugal. The official cause of death was cardiac arrest. Even the attending physician was in shock. Like you I feel totally out of place. It's so surreal. For the first time in my life I am totally alone. I went from my parents house to making a home with my husband. So, for 50 years I have had an anchor, a co-pilot, a protector and now I am trying to figure out how to chart in new waters. Tomorrow I have to go buy a new snow blower. I do have a good support team of friends and family but they can only do so much. I know the big job is going to be up to me. That's why I started going to Griefshare meetings which have helped me tremendously. Also, I found this site which gives me an opportunity to vent and to express my feelings knowing that there are others out there who are going through the same things I am. I hope this site gives you some solace. Just know that you are not alone. Take care.
Some of that sounds like me. I went from my parents to my husband also. Just like you, Paul was my protector. The thing that I miss most are simple things. Do you know how at the end of the day, you want to tell your loved one how things went, you want to ask how their day was. I NEED someone to talk to. I want to be able to say " Hey, did you know so and so is getting married or going on vacation? " I miss the human touch. Just a hug.
I hate cooking for myself. So I love salads, soup and grilled cheese.
My little Grandson is my life! He's a little over 1 year old. :-) My Son and Daughter In Law and wonderful to me.
I hope this note finds you well!
Yes, you understand. Its those little things that you miss the most....sometimes he would just take my hand and we had our own special daily routine. I used to prepare three meals a day since he was on a special diet. Now I rarely cook. At one point I was eating fast food every day. I have started eating more fruits and vegetables. On Sundays I generally stop at a local restaurant and get take out on my way home from church. I am blessed to have my adult daughter with me. She moved back home four years ago and was a great help when her dad developed health issues. She works but having her here has been a godsend. My youngest son and my daughter-in-law have been wonderful too. I have five adorable grandchildren who also are a great comfort. But still, no one can fill the void. No one can heal the ache in my heart. It is true that after so many years together you truly become one. We became each other's eyes and ears.....he was not only my husband but my best friend.....and I MISS my friend. Thank you for indulging me. Have a blessed day!
Earlier today, before I had a chance to read your message, I got angry at myself. I felt that as a husband, I should have been able to protect my wife. To keep her safe. I asked myself what kind of husband was I, unable to do anything while my beloved wife was hurting? The only thing I could do was pray. I prayed to God for my wife and I prayed to God for the doctors.
I never felt more helpless in my life. I still wish there was some spiritual system in place where I can die in someone's place. My wife passed away a day after giving birth to our daughter. She sacrificed herself for our little girl. I wish I could have sacrificed myself to protect my wife and the mother of our daughter. I really wish there was something like that I could have done.