A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
So it been a year since i lost Chris and ive been seeing someone new for a few months. I was over at his house with his mom and mine when his mom turned to me and asked me how long i was gonna keep my facebook saying that i was in a relationship with Chris. I was kinda stunned by this question and answer forever. She seemed put off by this answer and my mom tried to explain.
A few days later i was staring at my facebook, just thinking about the possibility of it not saying i was with chris made me start balling, i got mad and hurt that someone who has tried to understand me dealing with my loss would have an issue with something so small to her and so big to me. And it doesnt even bother the guy im seeing.
I mean im probably over reacting but does anyone know any tips for dealing with those who just... dont quite get it?
I need a clarification - this is Chris's mother, or the new boyfriend's mother?
I take it that you're FB relationship status still has you as married to your LH, not listed as widowed?
If you were to get engaged or married to this new boyfriend one day, you wouldn't update it to reflect that?
If it's the new b/f's mother, than as a parent I can understand where she is coming from too. I know I waited a while to change my status to Widowed, I don't remember exactly when, but it was probably around the 6 month point. I wouldn't change it to anything other than that unless I was in a serious committed relationship, it's not something I want to be changing often, because as long as it's widowed then it is still a connection to my late wife. Also, I still have her profile listed as being married to me, I don't see any point in changing that. She wasn't widowed, I was, and there is no option for deceased.
It all depends on how serious this new b/f is but as a parent and a widower, if you were a widowed guy dating my daughter, I would have serious reservations about if you were really ready to date my child, if you weren't ready to identify yourself as a widow.
Well, I'm dating a guy too...we're living together actually and I changed my status almost right away as soon as it got serious. I changed mine from married several months after LH died, and kept it at Widowed till the new guy came around. we are planning on getting married, and my kids are starting to call him dad once in awhile.
Heres the thing though, and not to be too blunt, but I agree with Peter. If you aren't ready to change your fb status then maybe you arent ready to date. OBviously, it is your life and you are free to make the decision when to change it, but think long and hard about it. Someone on here told me that waves of grief are going to hit you, and that is completely ok. I'm 18 months out and I still get that sometimes, but I am ready. My heart knows I am ready for this new relationship...and it's OK if you arent.
I think that sometimes we just need to let go...this time being your facebook status. I had a hard time changing mine to "Widow", but you cant let it define you. In reality, its JUST facebook. I think i'm confusing myself with this lol. If your new boyfriend is ok with it, then keep it, but realize that in all fairness to him, you're going to have to change it sooner or later. Chris isn't here anymore, and neither is my husband, but a facebook status doesnt define what is in our hearts...its the freakin internet, thats all. If you arent ready, then you arent ready....thats OK. Its perfectly normal to have the fear of getting hurt again, but sometimes you just need to take a jump and realize that it might not all work out, and you might get hurt. But, DONT let that fear hold you back from something that could potentially be amazing and awesome and change your life for the better.
I should also point out that there is no law that says you have to be "ready" to be in a relationship. There are many ways to not be able to commit, and most of those don't come with ANY label, not even on Facebook. Lots of people are out there dating with all kinds of problems, and all kinds of things they can't let go of, not just late spouses that they loved and got along well with. Much of that baggage is worse than ours.
If it's okay with your boyfriend, let HIM explain it to his mother. At any rate, managing his mother's expectations will end up being his job if you end up getting married too.
Krusty..I agree with you...and also loved the sentence about sometimes we just need to let go. That is helping me today!Thank you!
It is just the internet and FB but somehow it is soo much more. It seems so silly-what with all that we as widows have been through already, this is just the matter of a simple click of the mouse! After all, everyone of your friends on facebook KNOW your status, right. Weird, I know. I have the same issue and have chosen to leave my status as is for now.
You will know when it is the right time to change it and don't let someone else influence when that time should be.
On another note:
Doesn't she have to be your "friend" to see your relationship status? Maybe you could change that aspect of it, just for the time being? Kinda coming around the back door without making a big deal of it and giving you the "space" you need on the subject. Peter and Pat helped me with this issue. I think you might be able to "hide" your status from just this one person. Don't know for sure. Just a thought.
I changed my status on fb to widowed the day Keith died and it will remain that way until/if I ever become involved in a serious relationship again.
At this point I can't see that happening in the near future and I think that I would probably change it to "It's Complicated" then as I think for me future relationships would be complicated.
If your bf's Mum has a problem dealing with it and your bf does not, then it is her problem not yours. None of us can live up to anyone elses expectations. Be true to yourself and follow your heart on this. The only person who matters in this is you and your feelings. Changing that is a big issue for you, so don't change anything until/if it feels right for you.