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Was the last day I ever saw my husband. He kissed me goodbye before leaving on a business trip. It was a Monday. He came back late Thursday afternoon but had to work late and so I went to bed without seeing him. In the overnight hours of Friday July 26 he ended his life. I am in therapy. On medication. Joined a support forum for loss survivors. There are other widows on there but I sometimes think we kind of keep quiet because so many others lost children. And you don't lose a spouse to suicide if things were perfect in your relationship. So, we feel guilty. We feel responsible. We feel rejected.

I just want to mourn my loss. To connect with others who lost a spouse as well. Who can say it's the love that mattered not the less than perfect marriage.

I miss my husband and I want him to come home. I am so tired of being brave and strong in my loss

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Hi.  Although my wife died suddenly coming up for 3 months ago, I can't imagine what it would be like if she had ended her own life.  FWIW though, I don't think there's any such thing as a perfect relationship or marriage..  We all have our ups and downs, quirks, bad habits, etc.  If we're lucky and work at it, eventually we don't  care about those and concentrate on what makes us happy together.  Not perfect, but happy on balance.

I'm prone to get pretty bummed out at times.  In one or two of those times over the years I've felt things would be better if I wasn't and did some work on how I might make that happen.  It had nothing directly to do with my relationship with my wife.  It was mostly some business-related bumps in the road.  It sunk in that doing it would hurt my wife and others doing it worse than the bumps in the road would.  I can see how it might not have sunk in though, as I wasn't thinking clearly at those times.  I have no idea if this sort of situation might apply to your husband, just saying it's possible.

I'm a normally pretty logical person with well controlled emotions.  A couple of days ago I was looking for something on Netflix to lift my mood a bit and picked Batman Begins.  An action movie I'd seen anyway years ago.  Pretty mindless, stuff-blows-up type action flic.  It had me nearly in tears for no good reason several times.   Being brave and strong is BS.  This just plain sucks and it's okay to feel that it does.

Thank you so much for reaching out and I am so sorry for your loss. You are certainly right about the brave and strong thing. If one more person tells me that I may scream. I am tired of being brave and strong.

First, let me say how sorry I am for your loss. It's so hard to find the right words but I want to share something with you that I haven't shared with anyone else. But that's what I like about this site. I can say what I truly feel. When I was about 15 yrs old my mother attempted suicide. I stood there frozen as my father wrestled the gun out of her hand. I know my mom loved me. I know she loved my dad and my grandmother who lived with us at the time. She was everyone's anchor. She was fun to be around. But in hindsight I think she took too much upon her shoulders. She was everyone's savior but she needed saving. And when it became too much the only solution she saw at that time was to end her life. A co[worker of mine left work and found her husband had taken his life. When she left him that morning he seemed perfectly fine, I remember her saying life got to be too much for him to handle. That's how she explained his passing. I am a woman of deep religious faith but during the past 24 months life has been hard. No one can see it with the naked eye. I am financially secure, I am in reasonably good health, I have family and friends who love me......but there are those times when I just want the pain to go away. So, now when I hear of someone taking their life I think......maybe they just wanted to stop the pain, not the love they had because that will go on, but the pain. Please, be kind to yourself, focus on the good times and the person and not the circumstance of his departure. Take care.

Thank you so much for reaching out. Your words have brought me more comfort than you can imagine. Yes, life became too painful for my husband. But, the devastation brought by this kind of loss is incredible.

I am so glad you have chosen life. I just want to say this. Life can and will get better for you. Don't lose hope. Reach out and share what you are going through with others. People do care. Let them help. Please. Even to me. I am here and I want to listen.


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