It's offically October and I think I'm going to need some help.
I haven't been on here much because reading what other people are going through can sometimes be too much for me.
My husband passed away suddenly in January, and October 12th is our wedding anniversary. My sister wants to come up and stay with me, but I'm honestly wondering if being on my own would be better. I have no idea how I'm going to be reacting that day. will I be hysterical? in the same numb fog I've been in since it happened? She's being a little pushy about it and I kind of want to tell her that I might need some space.
So how did you guys do it? how was the first wedding anniversary? did you like having people around, or did being alone suit you better? I'm honestly at a loss at what I'm supposed to do.
Hugs to you Norcal. I started doing one random act of kindness for every year i would have been married. This year it will be 14 on Nov. 30. It's become one of my favorite days of the year. For more info:
I really like this idea. I'll start brainstorming stuff to do now. It'll help me think of something else besides what I'm going through. Maybe I'll send thank you cards to the people who have been kind to me this year.
I liked being by myself. I spent the day outdoors, cleaning my garden beds and planting things. Living, green things. (June anniversary here.) It made me feel better. Do you have a yard? Or someplace you could plant a tree or bulbs?
Yes, I'm staying at my mom's house, which has a big yard. She lives on the edge of town too, near lots of walking trails. I was thinking of spending all day outside with my dog. I like being by myself as well, especially if I know I'm going to be emotional. My mom is going to be out of town that week, which I'm really grateful for. She is taking my husband's death almost as hard as me, they were super close. So I don't know if I could deal with her grief as well as mine.
Our 28th wedding anniversary was on July 3rd, I spent the weekend with my entire family. It was helpful however there were points in the day where I would just start crying which made it awkward for most of my family. I say if you're going to be with your family just let them know you will need a few hours to yourself on that day. I slipped away and looked through all of our pictures and cried the entire time, believe it or not that was helpful to do, but then I joined back with my family and I didn't feel as alone. My thoughts are with you Norcal_girl
October 13th would be our 26th anniversary. My husband passed away May 29th. It's a loaded day because he was diagnosed with ALS last year on our 25th anniversary. I'm undecided what to do for that day. A friend is having a girlfriend dinner party, but I'm not sure I'll go to that partially because I'd like my children to be included too. I've thought about hosting it as an appreciation dinner for all the friends that helped us through Guy's illness, but I'm not sure I have energy for prepping a big gathering. I like the thought of being outside, going for a hike, going to some our favorite places. I'm having a bracelet made, just to commemorate the event and may buy flowers too. The thought of doing one act of random kindness is very sweet!
Norcal, it sounds like you need space right now, maybe visit your sister a different day?
Well, my sister is coming up this Saturday and suposed to stay til Monday. then she started saying she was going to talk to her boss about working from home the entire week so she could stay with me. I tried to tell her that I may want to be alone that day but she kind of brushed me off like she knew what was best. I think I am going to put my foot down and tell her she has to go home at least on Tuesday. I know she means well but I don't want to have to deal with anyone else's emotions that day.
I don't know if I would be up for a dinner party if I were you, maybe something smaller like with a few close friends and family members? Nothing too stressful or anything.
My condolences. My husband also had ALS, similar rapid progression, although in hindsight he had symptoms 18 months before diagnosis, we went down a bunch of medical rabbit holes before getting the correct diagnosis. I remember us sitting in a neurologist's office and the doc said he would test for a rare blood cancer that could have similar effects, and we kinda looked at each other, and said, "Cancer, yeah, that would be good." The idea being it would at least be treatable. It's all relative.
I hope you have a calm and peaceful day, regardless of what you end up doing. Maybe the group of friends could hike with you and you could read something he liked and reminisce. No party prep needed!
Rabbit hole is a good description. Guy ended up having unnecessary back surgery prior to being diagnosed. Yes, treatable could offer some hope; our only hope was that the progression would slow down. His doctor would often comment that some of his patients would reach a plateau and ALS would slow down. But the info on ALS doesn't support that....
Happy Birthday, darling.
Your Dia de los Muertos altar will be up soon. Not to be confused with Halloween decorations. I know my mother-in-law "ruined" your birthday (October 28) every year by mixing it up with Halloween. Have you finally gotten over it? You hadn't gotten over it yet at your final earth birthday at age 67! C'mon, it's time to let Mom off the hook already. If you happen to run into her wherever you are.
You would be amazed at, indignant about, and would immediately get to work on the current political situation. You have been gone almost three years, and I still turn to where you sat in the living room to comment on the latest -- wanting to hear your take. But the words falter on my lips, because you are not there.
So much has happened! Your elder daughter is with a lovely young man who helped her pick up the pieces when you died. You never had a chance to meet him, but you would like him. She's still in Brooklyn, and is working for a lighting design company. She's an awesome lady. I bet the two of you would get along much better now, with time and age. She's awfully like you, you know, except I'd say the more empathetic and sensitive model. You were more the bulldozer type. But both wired to value fairness and justice throughout the universe.
Your younger daughter is a busy new career woman in the arts in Philly, and I bought a modest house to rent to her. It needs so much work -- I can hear you now telling me I'm using the wrong drill bit and that's no way to hold a hammer! Would you be horrified or amused by her slightly seedy neighborhood? Oh yeah, you grew up in the Bronx. She's just as tough as you. I don't know what you would think about that big tattoo -- but look more closely, please. The center of the sunflower is an ALS-damaged nerve cell, in your memory.
Guess what! Your oldest nephew moved nearby to begin a kindergarten teaching job. I gave him your old wooden desk chair for his apartment, you don't mind, do you? He was sitting on boxes. I just had him over for Rosh Hashanah. So, the tsimmes didn't look like yours, it wasn't right, until I turned up the heat up and burned it a little on the bottom. There, that's better. The matzoh balls turned out great; I didn't have seltzer so I used beer! (Guess that won't fly for Passover).
I'm still going to that secular humanist Jewish congregation we compromised on, you a cultural Jew with labor activist antecedents and me a lapsed Catholic. My family remains super-confused and suspects I'm Jewish but is too polite to ask. I tell people I'm an atheist with Jewish tendencies, by osmosis.
Your middle sister is safe in a nursing home, at last. It's was a crazy time but your younger sister and I commiserated through it all and it made us that much closer. My Dad and stepmom are OK, no recurrence of the cancer and the heart stent placement went well, but they're getting pretty old now. Someday I will be making that 4 hour drive to make funeral arrangements, and I know you won't be with me, like you were for every previous funeral on my family's side.
Your little sports car has been on several trips with the Triumph car club. Right now it's out of commission in the garage because it needs a new water pump. Should I try to do it myself? Do you have a puller stashed around here somewhere? Should we replace the thermostat while we're at it? By the way, I finally donated your extra tools to the Voc Ed school, they were so happy to have them. So now there are a bunch of squares and levels and clamps and whatnot with your initials FSM on them, helping kids learn.
I had to replace your old desktop computer, it just didn't like being without you and couldn't go on. I saved the hard drive -- and about a million voter registration lists, soccer schedules, party menus you planned, remodeling project files, and who knows what else. I finally closed your Verizon account and opened one in my name. Why is it that you just had to have super-premium everything relating to media and technology? I am saving so much money! Boy, you were an expensive husband. We sure used to fight about finances. And I'd live in cardboard box and eat out of a dumpster to be with you just one more day.
But I'm doing alright, with new projects at work, thinking about retirement, fixing up our downsizer house, and meeting up with friends. Not big production events with dozens of friends like I did with you, you old extravert, but still nice.
I know you told me to go on with my life, and that I should meet someone new, but baby, when they made you they broke the mold. Can't say I'm happy, can say I'm content at some level.
Your wife, forever,