A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
since day one, people always told me to put one foot in front of another, take it one day at a time, and that i would be taking two steps forwards, and one step back.
well i am definitely taking one step back these days, and i hate it so much!
it's been 7 1/2 months since i lost my soul mate, my husband of 25 years.
he died suddenly, unexpected. it was such a shock, so painful and unbelievable.
i have since that day tried so hard to cope with our loss.
gone to counselling, individual therapy, support group meetings, refused any kind of meds, found new friends here on WV who share my pain, and kept in touch with my regular friends. always tried to stay in touch. rarely told anyone i wasn't up to go to a dinner or whatever they suggested, i always go, fearing if i pull back too much my pain will only get worse and they might even eventually give up trying.
i have dealt with countless piles of paperwork, changend bank accounts, got a financial advisor, a lawyer, and dealt with so many issues that i never had before.
i felt like i was progressing in my journey. they first 3 months in a thick fog, then the fog started to lift and i saw clearer again. after about 5 months even the tears were no longer so frequent. i've had happy days again, and i stopped believing he would walk back through that door someday.
i've gone on vacations, started to read again, watch TV again, and finally realize that it is no longer april and don't feel stuck in spring anymore.
so now here i am... back to crying while driving back from work. back to laying on my bed sobbing, pleading for him to come back to us. back to feeling confused when out shopping, not able to handle more than 1 or 2 stores before i feel i have to go back home, to my safe place.
it scares me. i am afraid that this pain will never ever go away. i don't want to live like this. i am a widow and will always be a widow. no new relationship would ever make me miss him less. i will always be his wife. he is my soul mate, my rock.
i am a positive person, always try to see the glass half full. how can i see this glass as half full, when this is the worst thing that could happen to a family?
this site has been so helpful. thank you for listening and letting me vent. i know there are no answers, and that is probably the hardest part of it all.
((hugs)) to all
I know what you mean (everyone). Strange how we can all relate to one another but the stories so different. I am 6 mths alone and so tried of this roller coaster. I never have liked roller coasters. I am starting to cry every morning on the way to work again. When I start to think i am healing a new wave hits and i'm on my way down. Or i feel guilty for moving on and sink lower. My head tells me it is okay to move on, I know that is what Ronnie would want, but my heart says how can you move on and still honor his memory. I would like to know true happiness but just don't know if I will ever be able to. I'm so glad I found this site. Hugs to all.
Dear one step back, reading your comments was like reading my thoughts. I am 6 months into this and I do NOT want to be here but I am. I had no choice in this it just happened and I cannot change it. I am one half of being whole and I miss him so much it hurts. I find putting on a happy face is harder then giving into my grief.
I too am left with lawyers, accountants, financial advisors.... The same story, nothing I ever had to deal with let alone dealing with it myself!
I find as time passes I am crying more. I was left alone on Thanksgiving and I don't see invitations for Christmas either! So it will be me and the dogs! Just another day I try to tell myself but it does not work. But as time passes I will make it to another day just one baby step at a time.
Someone who cares sent something that expresses what I am feeling, what I want to scream at people and what I would love to say out loud. Here is a synopses of what was sent me:
Practical things I need to do: I need to surround myself with beauty; Sit in the sun and just soak it up; Enjoy nature, Look at the majesty of mountains and enjoy the miracle of a blade of grass; Have a massage; Write in a joaurnal; Cry when I need to. Tears are a release.
Remember: Grief is an emotional injury that requires time to heal.Not a week, not a month, not even a year it takes a long as it takes. It is similar to a major physical injury. You may not be able to see wounds on the inside, but they are there.; Real-life is nothing like TV; I will not "get over it" - I will learn to live with my loss and incorporate the lessons into my life;I will get better over time, but I will never forget him. The pain ebbs and slows, but never goes away completely.
Emotional Things you can do: Let me talk about him/her. I want to talk about our love. I want to tell you how we met, our last days, and everything in between. I want to show you his picture,tell you how wonderful he was; Let me cry! Your acceptance that I need to cry & your permission to allow me to is one of the best gifts you can give me. Hand me a tissue & do your best to sit quietly and let me cry. Do not change the subject or stop me from crying if I have opened up. Let me try to tell you what is going on inside me. Just listen to me that is all I ask.
What not to do: Don't tell me you understand how I feel, or that you can imagine the pain I am going through unless you have lost the love of your life. Trust me, you can't. Your mind will just not let you voluntarily imagine this much pain; Do not try to compare my loss to the loss of a parent, or a friend, or an acquaintance or a pet, it is not the same. I understand that all of these things are painful but it is not the same; Don't ask how I'm doing unless you really want to know. I am assuming that as you know and as you have asked, you truly want to know; Don't try to save me frommy feelings or makemefeel better. I know you cannot bear to see me in so much pain, but I need to go through all of these feelings whether I want to or not; Once you have 'given me permission' to talk or cry, please do not try and distract me with small talk. I know it makes you feel better if I appear happy, but my pain is ever-present and it makesme feel like you don not care.
How I am Feeling: I am numb. I am in shock.I am emotionally drained and exhausted.; I am in pain.A horrible, gut=wrenching,intense, unimaginable,and indescribable pain.; My mind is totally occupied with processing my loss; I cannot sleep. I want t sleep allday. I am physically exhausted; I cannot eat or I cannot stop eating; Sometimes I want to talk. Sometimes I need to be alone, Sometimes I need silent company Sometimes I need all of these things in the space of 5 minutes. Somedays I just want to curl up in bed and do nothing. Somedays I will keep myself totally occupied in an attempt to escape. Often I may not have a clue as to what I want, but it only takes a moment for me to realize what I don't want.; I am hypersensitive and will often be offended y things you say to try and make me feel better; I want to wail, I want to scream; I want to cry; I want to just sit.I will not be fully-functional at work for a long time. In fact, I may never work with the same intensity again, as my perspective of what is important and what is not has been changed permanently. I still want to laugh; I need to laugh. I may suddenly go quiet mid-laugh, when hit by a sudden reminder, but I desperately need to continue to laugh.
Sorry it is so long I did try to cut it short. But grieving is not something that can be cut short. I am 6 mos into this and I hate every day of it, but these were the cards I was dealt and I need to play them. Thanks for listening, I hope these inspirational word inspire you too. Janet AKA Moving on
This says it all.
Thank you for sharing this. I will be nine months on this horrid roller coaster on Monday. I can identify with everything written especially - I want to laugh again.
I have seen the light and I know its there and I have experienced joy and laughter again and then wham the light goes out again. I am 2 1/2 years out and I am finally learning to say OK its a sucky day. We are allowed. I feel like a tornado sometimes whirling here and there and then I touch down to destruction. But usually after the disaster is a rainbow. And the light comes out again. And I count on that.
I'm coming up on 2 years as a widow (next month). As others have said, it is an up and down journey. There are times that are good and times that are bad. All you (we) can do is hang in there through the bad times -- for example, by using some of the tips posted by "moving on" -- and wait for things to get better again, as they will. It comes in waves, sometimes anticipated (holidays, anniversaries, etc), and sometimes out of the blue.
I am having a hard time with December and January -- both our birthdays, Christmas, our dating anniversary, his death date are all in the span of about five weeks in there. It's harder this year than last because I've moved away from our home, my family, etc. The good thing is that I have found love with a very special man and I'm looking forward to spending my holidays with him, though I still miss my husband dearly. I actually think part of my pain comes from the fact that I will be with a new man, not my husband. It cements the fact that that part of my life is over. Yet, there are days that I wake up and think of how lucky I am to be sharing a home in a new city with this man who is strong and secure enough to hold me while I cry on bad days, who doesn't mind that I'm spending only a few days visiting his relatives (he is spending a week and a half with his family) so that I could spend some alone time grieving as I need, etc. Yes, I said "lucky." I never would have thought that I would feel that way about my life again once I was widowed. But I do.
I know I'm sort of rambling, but the point is this -- there will be hard times, but there can also be great times. During the bad times, you just remember that you've made it through xx number of days without your husband, and you can make it through one more. Eventually, one day things will look up again. And when things are good, that's no guarantee that you're done having bad days. I'm not sure we will ever stop having hard times and bad days, but the key is to take them one at a time. It helps to know that this is normal and to cut yourself some slack. Also, people in your life need to understand that you will have times in your life when grief is stronger, more present, and that it will affect your mood, activities, etc. That's okay, and if you respect that, I think that is when you start living with grief instead of letting grief run your life.
Wishing you all the best this holiday season. I hope you can find some holiday joy somewhere along the way.
Iris, I think we all know how you feel since we are all feeling the same things. Its been only 15 weeks for me, I think I am still in denial. Some days I don't know if I can get through this, but we have to. There is no turning back. The only help I have found is in reading the books for widows and seeing how they have handled it. It's no easy ride that's for sure. Try keeping a journal, or talk to him in the journal. Keep busy and get a pet if you don't have one. We all need something to take care of.