Online dating: showcase of ads, ideas, support!

Replies to This Discussion

VOLUNTEERPermalink Reply by Supa Dupa Fresh on July 19, 2011 at 10:22am

It sounds to me like you might want to keep your ad up (and keep tweaking it as you learn what the competition is, what your own strengths are, and so on) and also maybe start a new activity or two.

I love your confidence and I think men can really respond to that -- the right men, anyway.

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Permalink Reply by pattia on July 19, 2011 at 11:42am

Sorry if I was not clear...I don't have any ads anywhere. I have not joined any dating sites because I am too wary of them. I was hoping for advice in that regard. I am not really interested in dating, just friends to get me out of the house.

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Permalink Reply by pattia on July 19, 2011 at 4:42pm

Thanks, Nicki...

I actually did look at Meetup.com in May and found a local widows group starting, but it did not follow through. The leader said there were not enough men interested. I see a little activity there today, so maybe something will happen.

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VOLUNTEERPermalink Reply by Supa Dupa Fresh on July 19, 2011 at 10:16am

I hear a lot of people saying they're giving up... and while I hate to hear that if it's permanent, sometimes taking a break is a good idea. For those who are taking DOWN their ads... since the "dating project" is bringing you down-- I wonder if you might concentrate for a little while on some things that really bring you joy -- new hobbies, taking really extra good care of yourself, or resolving to meet some new people in a setting that doesn't carry such high expectations (like through a book club or visiting a new church, or taking a class like pottery or yoga or whatever catches your eye).

Online dating -- intentionally, all that sifting, all those frogs! -- is such a numbers game. SO SLOW.

I always felt that having my ad "up" was my way of showing my intentions to the universe -- and that it made a difference, even in my finding my new husband, who was an old friend and not even on Match.com.

I also found that some of the discouraging dates -- by just getting me out of the house, dressed up, and so on -- helped me feel worthy, even when I was with a stupid man (it happened!).

I guess what I'm trying to say is... I wonder if taking a break may be a valuable part of FINDING, rather than being part of "giving up."

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VOLUNTEERPermalink Reply by Supa Dupa Fresh on July 20, 2011 at 5:03pm

LOL, yeah, the one date with a REALLY stupid guy was... well, it was good only in that it taught me more about what I DIDN'T want. Here's my post about Mr. Dumb. http://freshwidow.blogspot.com/2008/10/yes-i-do-vote-with-my-bush.html

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Permalink Reply by Elle on July 19, 2011 at 12:22pm

Pattia, there are all kinds of boundaries you can set on the most well-known dating sites. I wanted to tell you that since you said you are wary. As on Facebook, you can "block" anyone who is over-zealous. You can block yourself out of the search option or block the person completely, so he can no longer even contact you. As Supa mentioned, it is a SLOW process because you have to wade thru all the men who are there for all the wrong reasons (aka: hidden motives like "friends w/benefits" only). No matter what your profile says, there will be those who contact you outside of your preferences. I have met some really nice people, but you do have to have discernment! You know, that gut feeling and/or women's intuition?? Use it! And listen to it! You will be fine, and I think it would be a positive experience if you take the right attitude. You can also "hide" your profile when you get tired of the dating scene or need to take a break. I do it on a regular basis. You mentioned wanting a friend. You can find male friends for just companionship as well. I've been on for about a year, and I will be glad to answer any curiosities you may have! Experiences are different for everybody, and it just depends on where you are in your life. Again, just hide your profile when you tire of it! I think you would enjoy it if you approach it with the right attitude. One thing I have learned...it is different than when we were younger, and you should not go into it thinking anyone will replace your husband whom you loved very much. I've made that mistake, and had to reason with myself to let that expectation go. Good luck!

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Permalink Reply by pattia on July 19, 2011 at 1:10pm

Hi Elle,

 

Thanks for answering. What websites have you used? Part of my wariness is not knowing which sites to look at. I would want to join a free website. I have seen too many warnings about subscription sites. I decided years ago before becoming a widow that I would never be interested in dating again. Frankly, it scares me, but if God sends the right man who could manage to sweep me off my feet again, I would follow fate.

I would never try to replace my husband. It can't be done.

I signed up at SeniorPassions today (misleading title!) so we'll see.

I just need to get out of the house and socialize, but am very shy and have not found any groups around here.

I called the local Senior Center last month, but it seems very disorganized. I would join a painting group or would take up tai chi if they had anything I like.

 

Thanks for sharing,

 

Patti

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Permalink Reply by Elle on July 19, 2011 at 3:47pm

Hi, Patti--no problem! Hhhhmmm...never heard of problems about subscriptions. In a way, at least to me, it has the opposite effect. (Again, everyone's experiences are different!) My thinking is that if a man is serious enough about finding happiness and possibly the wonderful woman he may end up spending the rest of his life with, then paying for a subscription sort of "puts his money where his mouth is". My experience w/the free websites is that you encounter some people who want just that---something for nothing. Not talking about you, Patti, but the men out there "on the prowl". Again, use discretion and listen to your women's intuition! And pray for covering and protection when you meet these people (that is, if you have a relationship with God, or your higher power). And never, never, never invite these people to your home without getting to know them first---always meet them in a very public place where there are lots of people around you. That's just being smart. If they continue trying to contact you after you've told them you are not interested, block them immediately! (And don't feel guilty about doing so!) I am going to send you an email with the ones I've weeded out. To me, it is a good idea to just stick with a couple. Do not get on too many of them because, believe it or not, someone you blocked on one site will find you on a second site. (Personal experience talking here!) Hope I'm not scaring you, and it should not be a scary thing, but a positive one. Just use your smarts, that's all, and it will be a very uplifting experience, especially if it is just friendship you are seeking, and not long-term committment. I want long-term, but not everybody does, and it is very nice (and polite!) when they are up-front with you on what they are looking for so no one wastes each other's time!

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Permalink Reply by JennyWisconsin on August 7, 2011 at 9:58am

Really good posts... Just read them all. Feel like I'm ready to get ready (HA - how's that for safe). I'm interested in a man who works for the same company as me... But just don't have the confidence or desire to "make a move". So, for now, it's just a fantasy. Signing up at an online site seems like a great way to take control and learn.

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Permalink Reply by DonnaReid on February 9, 2013 at 5:46pm

To those who have tried internet dating, do you have any tips for those who would like to try this form of dating? What sites did you find most successful? Did you have any problems cancelling your subscription? I have been trying to get information about how to protect myself if I decide to try one of these sites but am having trouble sorting out what is true and what the degree of risk is. IF anyone can help I would appreciate any information!

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Permalink Reply by RunningBall on February 24, 2013 at 7:44am

As of yesterday I am 2 months out since my wife passed away.  And I am repeating this phrase to myself. 'Out of the frying pan and into the fire' several times. If I feel lonely I am in the frying pan. If I rush into a relationship because I can't stand being alone and I don't really know that person, I could be landing into the fire. So for now, I am concentrating on some un-accomplished goals that I have and pursue them. If I meet someone, it will be someone who shares the same goals that I have.

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Permalink Reply by chris on March 17, 2013 at 6:03pm

I thought Plenty of Fish was a waste of time. Mostly nice people, but a few scary ones mixed in. The selection process was not very good. You just look at people's pictures and glance at their essays.

I like OkCupid. I am now engaged to the first person they suggested. I like their selection process although some of their questions are a little weird. They gave me and my date a high compatibility rating and it has carried over into real life very well. I don't think my experience is typical, but never-the-less both of us liked the experience.

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