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I signed up on eHarmony on Sunday :-o I used a fake name, a different city close to me and did NOT put any photos of myself on my profile page. I'm just lurking and looking at the daily "so called matches" they send me. The "matches" they have sent so far do not appeal to me in anyway, they're all just icky!

My husband Jeff was tall dark and handsome, 6' 1" of fit and athletic (rugby player) muscle. He had gorgeous olive skin, he looked 10 years younger than his actual age. I was completely in LUST with his rugged good looks. I was completely in LOVE with his beautiful personality, he was kind, loving, generous, loyal, positive, smart, funny. He spoiled me, took care of me and loved me more than I ever thought was possible.

I don't know if I'm ready to date? I'm so lonely but can't imagine being happy with anyone the way I was with Jeff for our 20 years together. I have been without my big guy, my love for 1 year, 3 weeks, 3 days!

I know it's different for all of us but what are some of you doing??

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Yeah Brian, what Christina said...where is a photo of YOU?
Michele I totally agree and I have said the same thing. I think we are a perfect match. LOL
Brian.. Too funny. I would have loved your wife.

You crack me up girl!!! I'd love to see you gut a fish just for fun.

 

I'm new at this forum and just had to chime in. I took a trial run at a couple of dating sites, and have to agree. Practically every man on there listed his first likes as camping, hunting, and fishing. Big favorites were also mountain climbing and scuba diving. And these were mainly guys in their 60s. You'd think men who had lived this long might have noticed these are not activities that appeal to lots of women over 50. Plus my husband used to do these things (with his buddies the last few years; I opted out when the kids left home). I'm familiar with the aging camping and sports enthusiast who comes home with sprains and aches caused by forcing an older body to behave like it's still 25 and now needs someone to wait on him and dress his wounds. And what happens if he has a heart attack up on that mountain? No thanks, guys!

About 6 months after Tom had died, I was so lonely I began trolling the dating sites - eHarmony and Match.com.  It was scary.  First off, all these guys roughly my age were looking for younger women, sometimes MUCH younger.  So the guys looking at MY age group were about 10 years older than me, and that makes a big difference.  I was still working and these guys were retired, ready to travel - and oddly enough, most seemed real proud of their Harleys.  Go figure.  Never figured myself for a biker chick.  After a short while, I dropped out and stopped trolling the sites, realizing that i was not ready and not at all inspired by what I saw.

I really couldn't see myself marrying again; but I couldn't fathom staying alone for the next 30 years.  That was such a depressing thought!  I know, my mom did it, my MIL did it, many aunts did it, but to me it looked like a very long, very dark tunnel.

I would go back to the dating sites every now and then (PlentyOfFish.com is another one, and it's free), but I refused to try a long distance relationship and the men who were close enough to consider didn't do it for me.  I was really leary of the men who were divorced (I know, it was bound to be all his ex-wife's fault) and the men who listed themselves as single scared me even more.  Who gets to be 60 years old without ever being married? and would still be considered a catch?  Maybe, as long as I was looking only to date - but I couldn't swear that I only wanted to date.  I didn't know - it was going to depend on the man.  The one web site asked what your longest relationship was - and some of them had 2 to 5 years down as an answer.  A catch? Yuck!

But this year I decided to sell the business and quit working.  And I also decided that the vows said "till death do us part" and, indeed, death had parted us.  There was no reason to not look again.  Yes, I loved Tom deeply.  Was it all stars in my eyes and rose petals for the 33 years? No, but it was good, and the last 10 years as the kids grew up and became independent were the best.  Did I expect the next relationship to be the same? Not at all.  Could I have a good relationship with someone other than Tom?  If I couldn't love another man because of Tom, then why did I ever agree to having a second child?  Since I loved my firstborn with all my heart, could I expect to love the second child as well?  There is no limit to how much the heart can expand to hold more love.  It would be different for the second man, just as my relationship with my second child is different than with my first, but it could be good.

So this spring I joined CatholicMatch.com - figured I would eliminate once possible source of conflict, plus I decided that someone who went to church might be a better bet.  I saw the profile of a widower in a neighboring town and decided to send him a note.  It was definitely a slow start, we emailed for almost 2 months before setting up a time to meet.  He was nice, a gentleman who rushed to open my doors (and I've been so independent, I had a hard time getting the hang of walking slower so that he could get to the door first), and he was such a good conversationalist.  We lingered and talked for 4 or 5 hours.  The first few times were so low key, I hesitated to call them dates! - a handshake at the door for the first, progressing to a little hug, and always a follow-up email, thanking me for a wonderful time.  It was during these dates that I realized that I didn't want to just date for the rest of my life.  I've known people who did that - date one person for 20 years, no marriage, no physical intimacy.  It looked bleak, especially since the man really wanted to marry her, and she refused.  I decided that I wanted "the whole ball of wax" - that even if it wasn't Tom, it would still be good.

Let me tell you - love is definitely different the second time around, and it is wonderful to feel like this again.  In many respects, it is better.  I know it sounds blasphemous to say that, but it's true.  Of course, it helps that we don't have to make all those decisions that you have to make in your 20s and 30s. The critical questions are not how many kids you want to have, what is your career path and how are we going to afford college and a new car.  Instead we discuss when he wants to retire (I already did), our pensions and social security income, and our debt to asset ratio.  Our biggest debate may be, not where we want to go for our next trip, but where do we want to go first.  We both like to travel and want to take several trips each year while our knees and hips are still good.  The only baggage we have as a couple is checked at the gate - and that makes a lot of difference.

I could not have predicted this when Tom died.  I couldn't have predicted this even 6 months ago.  It just goes to show what can happen when you open yourself to possibilities.  I used to say that widowhood is "Life on Plan B".  I've amended that saying.  It's entirely possible that this really is Life on Plan A, and my marriage to Tom was just a precursor to this marriage.  I can never say that to anyone other than Russ.  I loved Tom; he was my soul-mate.  I was devastated when he died.  I certainly am not glad that he died - but Russ is my soul-mate too.  I have been blessed to be loved by two such men.  We have planned a May 2013 wedding - and in fact, he's picking up the engagement ring this afternoon.  I can't wait.  I am a schoolgirl again.  I am giddy, and happy, and horny, and full of plans for the future.

Good luck to all of you.  I wish you all a wealth of possibilities, all of them bringing you peace, happiness and good fortune. 

Mary

Mary,

Let me say first off, I am sorry you are here and at the same time congratulations on your upcoming wedding.  Love is a wonderful thing and I am so happy you have found it again. I have made the comment that if we find love the second time it doesn't mean the first dies away, it means our heart has now expanded and doubled. 

Yea for you and I hope you have a long and happy life with Russ. Now that giddy, happy and horny thing, that's funny!! Have fun with the rest of your life and tonight. :-)

Yes, it's probably hilarious to our friends to see us together with goofy smiles on our faces. I hope it takes a long time to get past this stage.
Thanks
Mary

Oh Mary, I just LOVED reading this! It gave me goosebumps and hope. Thank you for sharing this! 

Kim

Mary, that is sooooo wonderful! It's good to know that we CAN love again. Congratulations!
Kate

Trying to respond to Kate's post of 18 hours ago, but it won't let me post.  So I'll try here:  Kate, "We really had a fairytale romance, we just didn't get the happily ever after."  Exactly our story.  I have said, we went from the most awesome love story fairy tale into a Shakespearean tragedy.  My heart goes out to all here. 

Hi Christina, you and I were both so lucky to have had that fairytale romance! Even though it didn't last as long as we thought (hoped) I wouldn't trade it for quids!
Kate

Not sure what quids are, but I wouldn't trade it either.  Wishing you healing.

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