I am usually a fairly gushy person and love seeing people celebrate their wedding anniversaries on Facebook etc. I guess because so many marriages end in divorce, I have always enjoyed seeing ones that were thriving. Well today on Facebook, friends are celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, and I could not bring myself to congratulate them. We made it to 22, before Sean died and my goal was always 60 years of marriage. I figured since we got married so young we would make it to a ripe old age together. But today it was just too much. It's not fair. It made me feel like a bad friend. A disgruntled bitch.
How do you manage these situations?
No one can change how they feel when actively grieving - even putting on a brave face is strenuous when loss is ripping your soul apart ...
However, you can try holding your breath while quickly typing "congratulations", immediately press send, then allow what you feel to come out ...
The first year is very hard ...
Hi Miss Em, those type of situation are hard to face, for me I just try to shut down my feelings for about two seconds and congratulate them. It's hard anyway you look at it. My mom remarried a couple of months ago and it was hard to attend the ceremony and be happy for them in that moment. I also felt bad that I couldn't be more happy for her, but I couldn't help it. One of the hardest days since my husband died. You are not a bad friend, you just see things different and experience things different.
Hi Miss Em,
Ya know, it really does not matter if you had a few months, a few years, or decades together. The one thing we all wish, is that we had more time. Wish them a very Happy Anniversary, and then thank your spouse for the wonderful time you had together. It may be a zinger that nabs you and sends you crying, or it may be a bright spot that you had such good quality time together in your marriage. Try to remember the good times and not spiral down hill.
Many times, especially in the first years of our loss, we remember birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Anniversaries, Valentines Day, the day of their death,etc. That can be one occasion after another with little chance to recover between them. You might want to try to settle on one to hold dear. For me, it is our Anniversary. Now, I'm 6 years out so I am in a different place than you are, but it is something to think about. On our Anniversary I take out our wedding album, sit on the couch leaving a place for her to sit, and I go through the pictures, one at a time. I talk to her as if she were sitting beside me and go over each picture talking about what it depicts and what was going on at that time. When I've finished with the last, I thank her, and I thank God, for his gift to me of our marriage and our years together (35). I think about the good times, our children, and our love. I don't let myself dwell on the pain of my loss.
Just a suggestion, and something to think about down the road.
I do the same as others, I do the quick congrats and log out. LOL
I do want to say, I have dropped off the planet as far as our married friends are concerned. I don't want to hang out with them period. I hope they understand, but the reality is I don't care. I just cannot sit alone with them. Just saying, I get how you feel....
I typically am able to "hold my breath" as SweetMelissa2007 said, and congratulate them. I am having a very hard time right now with the fact that I will never celebrate a wedding anniversary with my Marcus. We were married in September, and he was killed in January. I'm already dreading September. His birthday is August 31, then we married on September 7, then my birthday is September 16. We were supposed to celebrate years and years and years of anniversaries. And I don't even get one.