My wife passed Oct of last year. I'm 46 and I have an 11 Yo little girl.
Back when i was 23 I had 3 girlfriends all 18 years old (they all knew about each other btw) My wife was one of them, I cared for them all equally and enjoyed the ride until they all started to confess their love for me.. So I had to decide and I chose one and later on we got married, We enjoyed over 20 years together.
Nothing was wrong with the other two, But i chose my wife based on the fact that even though i was 23 and she was 18 that we felt comfortable and like an old couple even though she was young we could spend hours just talking about nothing and were so happy.After her passing,I changed alot as a person and went through all the stages of grief and once again became a happy person.
I enjoy my time with my daughter and we have lots of fun and go lots of places.
So I never thought about dating and finding anyone new being my life is full with my kid and hobbies and work.
But last month one of the women I dated back then found me on facebook after seeing me in a store and we talked online for a couple weeks.
She said we should hang out sometime and we went for lunch this past monday and walked on the waterfront of our city for hours talking about the past.
We texted all week and made plans for this coming monday while my daughter was at school(my only alone time from work and daughter).
I really enjoy her company just as much as i did back then.But i can tell she wants to continue our relationship from over 2 decades ago.
But I don't know if i ever want to have another mate,I don't feel i need someone to complete me or to have a "girlfriend".
I have lots of women who flirt with me,But nobody I could ever connect with personality wise being that has always been most important to me.
But then i wonder all the what if questions like What if later i feel like i do want someone,What if i don't find someone and i passed on a great woman who aged REALLY well in the past 20+ years and still thinks i'm good lookin for being a scruffy older man?
But I'm just not wanting a serious thing right now,I'm enjoying being single and having money to burn as this is the first time in my life i have had that.
But I'm not the greatest looking guy anymore as i didn't age quite as well as her, And i felt young again knowing someone very attractive and with the same personality she had in the past still wanted me and desires me again.
During our date i felt like i was cheating on my wife with her touching me as we talked and stuff.And being this woman and my wife did not care for each other (I could understand why) I also felt like i was betraying my wife as well.
I even stopped on the way to pick her up and almost turned back to go home because I was freaking out so bad.. but I continued on because I knew that would be rude to stand her up.
I just worry if i keep her at a distance that she will move on and when i'm old I will be alone because i passed on a great rekindled relationship thing.
My friends tell me to just let her know how I feel.. But how do I tell someone I don't want a relationship right now, Sexual or otherwise, but I want them to hang around on the off chance I might one day?
This was sooo much easier when I was in my 20's than now.
Sorry for my ramble but this is all the stuff racing through my head for the past week.
It sounds like you are not ready to date yet. Be fair to her, if she needs to move on, let her. Be honest with her about how you feel. When the time comes, if it does, I am sure you will be able to find someone to be with. There is a whole world of people out there for you to meet, your dating pool is not limited to people you knew when you were younger. (((hugs))) almost 2 years here and still not ready to date.
Thank you for your reply.
I guess i have to be a man about it.
It's just when we were in person i felt 23 again and it felt great,but i also am going to have the mindset of a 23 yo and i remember i didn't think things out to well back then, hence the 3 women. :)
I fended off her advances in texts and on the phone by changing the subject.
But i'm gonna have to figure out how to let her down again. :\
Hi Owfw,I am sure you will work all of this out for yourself, but I couldn't help having a couple of thoughts on it I thought you might find helpful. The first is that I don't think you should decide to date anyone based on the fear that it might be your last chance to get a good looking woman who finds you attractive. It is definitely not going to be your last chance. The other is that, if it was me, I would rather pass up something with so many entangling memories of your wife, and start a new story when you are ready. I am past one year widowed, and I've realized I needed a little more time. I'm waiting for the 2 year, which I'm not suggesting is the right time for anyone else, but I am coming up on the 2 year and I realize how important it has been for me to not have moved on too fast. Maybe that is because I, like you, have kids at home. My youngest is 12. And sometimes I look at her and think, what if I did meet some guy who was jealous of my time, what would I do? Anyways, it's complicated, and I wish you well.
Thank you for replying.
I never thought about how much of this is probably to due to how she meshed with memories of my wife.
I stayed up late last night thinking about all this being we made a date for tomorrow and I couldn't sleep, And I realized that all of this would hang in my mind forever. I have a super recall memory and can play back "videos" in my head of entire days of everything i have ever seen from the age of 6yo till now.
Most time i love having the power to do this,but sometimes it really sucks when it comes to bad things.
And being my wife would mention this other girl at random times over our 20 + years together,I think it is a good idea to find a new person at some point.
I have to admit as time goes by I notice women flirting with me and that it had probably been going on most of my life but I didn't notice because i was a faithfully and in love husband, So i'm sure if i do choose to find someone I could.
But how she talks about things,its like she figures that now that my wife is gone, That it's her turn now like she was next in line.
So I will try to say something when we meet.
It will be messy, But i'll let her know that at this time I am not ready to be anything but friends.
And i'll make sure not to mention the future so she doesn't wait around hoping for more.
I'll probably post a followup good or bad, at some point.
Again thanks for helping me sort this stuff out. your thoughts helped me align my own thoughts about this mess.
I thought about looking up an old girlfriend after my wife passed away. We were together for about ten years through most of the Eighties. I think its normal to do that, as we are grieving, we look back to happier times or previous relationships . I googled her and one thing stood out to me. Apparently she's still living in the same house that she grew up in. No problem with that, but I got a feeling that she has not had the same life experience I've had. i got out of my comfort zone in my adult life and I have a feeling she hasn't. I decided to leave it alone, because realistically, we probably wouldn't have much in common anymore. On top of that, I have no idea whether she is married or is in a relationship or has kids or anything about her.
Still I did remember all the talks we had when we were a couple in college and the immediate years thereafter about our dreams and our plans for our lives and I am sort of curious about how life worked out for her. To me, that's a separate issue, and when I feel like doing it, I will contact her. I'm in no hurry though. And when I do, I will tell her about the wonderful years i spent with my wife. She changed me forever.
I got back from our second date today.. On sunday night while texting she came out with how if i was not ready, to know she is there for when i am.
So I didn't have to bring it up.
So a little pressure is off.. although i had to remind her after our date today about me not being ready, and didn't know when I would be.
because she was all over me today.
So alot of the pressure is still there.
I'll see how it goes after a few more dates.. I may find shes not the kinda person i would want to be with at my age like i did when when i was 23.
You got through the second date.
If nothing else, you went out more than once. I'd call that progress.
Yeah i guess i could think of it that way. :)
I'm a few months short of turning 60 and am in my 6th year.
You are younger and ought continue to explore. Your confidence will build as you go out more.
If something happens...Great! And if nothing happens, you can look yourself in the mirror and say that you at least made an effort. And if dating isn't working for you, it's OK to take some time off, assess the situation, and (if you feel up to it) give it another go later. Good luck!
I could have alot of dates, But I've never approached a woman with intent to ask her out.
They always approached me. And i went on from there.
I do still get women approach me and strike up conversations.
So i'm sorta realizing I could find someone later if the time ever comes.
"But I don't know if i ever want to have another mate,I don't feel i need someone to complete me or to have a "girlfriend"."
I'm not sure I understand what it is you are looking for ... do you?
I do know when I was actively grieving everything I did was a result of grief. I was always in search of something to help me feel as I was when Bob was still alive as well as wanting to either rid myself of grief or relieve it or learn to cope w/it. I found modalities to relieve grief to learn to cope w/it, find my answers and live w/out constant pain & confusion.
Having been married for decades, I am/was fully aware of the work involved in a relationship as well as the comforts love can bring - but then there are those in between time gaps. Should they be spent grieving, wandering, learning to live again w/new purpose, contemplation, living consciously or making everything pretty & happy to make for acceptability.
When it comes to loneliness people are willing to do anything to convince another person they can help fix their troubles or they will disappear if they would just take a chance on them. As heartbroken & needy as I was then, I just didn't have the energy, interest or desire to fulfill someone else's needs.
I found myself in a very uncomfortable situation w/an old friend shortly after Bob died. I thought it would be nice to hang out w/this person occasionally - everything was going well till he started asking every time we met why I chose Bob over him. I only thought of him in terms of friendship. It felt like he was using me to work out his feelings of rejection not only by me but others as well. I did what was best for me, I stopped calling on him. We see eachother here & there, I wave, say hello & be on my way.
Seems to me what you have found in this woman is a reminder of your youth as well as how, why & when you chose to court your wife.
"But i chose my wife based on the fact that even though i was 23 and she was 18 that we felt comfortable and like an old couple even though she was young we could spend hours just talking about nothing and were so happy."
Life is so much different when grief has ended.
She has not really mentioned my wife except once on our first date she commented on how when she told her mom she was going out with and old friend, her mom asked her who and she said my name and her mom remembered me and ask what ever happened with us and she told her mom about my wife and said my wife had "Won"....
I kinda felt bad the rest of the date.
I don't really know what i want.
If she had not have found me on Facebook, I would have continued what i have been doing for the past year and one month.. working,raising my 11yo daughter and working on my music..I feel content and happy and enjoy my life as it is. I won't lie and say i don't feel the yearning to be loved and touched and have an close relationship like i once had. I think about that every day. But then i think about how something like that would mesh with my happiness now, Would if fit together and be great? or cause what i have to come crashing down and put me back where i was a year ago?
So i guess you could say I'm scared.
I have accepted my wife's passing and feel like i have started to move away from the long life i had with her. And made a new me and have made a lot of changes to how i think about things and what kind of man i want to be now and in the future,I have become closer to my work friends being all my friends stopped talking to me after my wife passed away.
And i know she would want me to move on,
But i guess it all boils down to me being scared of the unknown.