My wife passed Oct of last year. I'm 46 and I have an 11 Yo little girl.
Back when i was 23 I had 3 girlfriends all 18 years old (they all knew about each other btw) My wife was one of them, I cared for them all equally and enjoyed the ride until they all started to confess their love for me.. So I had to decide and I chose one and later on we got married, We enjoyed over 20 years together.
Nothing was wrong with the other two, But i chose my wife based on the fact that even though i was 23 and she was 18 that we felt comfortable and like an old couple even though she was young we could spend hours just talking about nothing and were so happy.After her passing,I changed alot as a person and went through all the stages of grief and once again became a happy person.
I enjoy my time with my daughter and we have lots of fun and go lots of places.
So I never thought about dating and finding anyone new being my life is full with my kid and hobbies and work.
But last month one of the women I dated back then found me on facebook after seeing me in a store and we talked online for a couple weeks.
She said we should hang out sometime and we went for lunch this past monday and walked on the waterfront of our city for hours talking about the past.
We texted all week and made plans for this coming monday while my daughter was at school(my only alone time from work and daughter).
I really enjoy her company just as much as i did back then.But i can tell she wants to continue our relationship from over 2 decades ago.
But I don't know if i ever want to have another mate,I don't feel i need someone to complete me or to have a "girlfriend".
I have lots of women who flirt with me,But nobody I could ever connect with personality wise being that has always been most important to me.
But then i wonder all the what if questions like What if later i feel like i do want someone,What if i don't find someone and i passed on a great woman who aged REALLY well in the past 20+ years and still thinks i'm good lookin for being a scruffy older man?
But I'm just not wanting a serious thing right now,I'm enjoying being single and having money to burn as this is the first time in my life i have had that.
But I'm not the greatest looking guy anymore as i didn't age quite as well as her, And i felt young again knowing someone very attractive and with the same personality she had in the past still wanted me and desires me again.
During our date i felt like i was cheating on my wife with her touching me as we talked and stuff.And being this woman and my wife did not care for each other (I could understand why) I also felt like i was betraying my wife as well.
I even stopped on the way to pick her up and almost turned back to go home because I was freaking out so bad.. but I continued on because I knew that would be rude to stand her up.
I just worry if i keep her at a distance that she will move on and when i'm old I will be alone because i passed on a great rekindled relationship thing.
My friends tell me to just let her know how I feel.. But how do I tell someone I don't want a relationship right now, Sexual or otherwise, but I want them to hang around on the off chance I might one day?
This was sooo much easier when I was in my 20's than now.
Sorry for my ramble but this is all the stuff racing through my head for the past week.
she still messages me.. today i took her things over to her that she left here. we hugged for a long time and i left.
She texted as i drove away saying "that was hard"
Later tonight she texted and said she was sorry for everything and that she "let me go" and made it seem like we got back together . but i reminded her i am still not over my wife and what caused the situation is still there.
I too am getting back to my music, I finished a song i started during the time she was pulling away.
I was going to scrap it.. but it sounded to good not to let people hear.. so i uploaded it to my site and it has been blowing up.. so it must touch a feeling with others.
By music i mean i do the music part and have various vocalists sing the lyrics.. i gave up singing long ago. :)
Have not been on in awhile,
About a week after the breakup,I took her to lunch to talk and see if we could salvage a friendship out of our situation.
While eating she began to cry,She is a very tough woman and is not one to cry.
She took the blame for her actions that caused me to end it, And we talked more and left and continued to talk about everything.
She talked about another chance and i told her that the situation that caused her to act the way she did is still there (Me still being in love with my wife and not being ready).
And she said during our breakup she thought about it more and said the chance to be with me was more important than all that.
So we got back together and have been great so far.
She has been great and i hope it continues like it is.
GOod for you! jUst...protect your heart if it needs to be.
Sigh.. Why does life have to be so hard?
Why does grief have to come back and hit you like a brick to the head and send everything into a spiral?
Everything has been great. But i find myself trying to distance myself from her. Even when she is here alot staying the night.
And I let things about her personality get to me way more than her quirks i don't care for should.
I feel like I love her,Not sure i would say "In love", But when the things that bother me come up i tend to close myself off and don't talk as much or text her.
Some days i feel like i would be better off alone again, But i would miss her ALOT. Not just the closeness factor, But shes wonderful and i would just miss her alot.
Oh....heck i don't know how to handle all this. it's fairly overwhelming at times and it throws off my stress free life like a train crashing into me.
Owfw, I think You may need more time to heal Your heart. Telling this to the person You are dating is healthy. They need to understand that You are still healing. And not ready to go further. It is okay. It may not be fair to them to let them hang on without knowing that. But if You are honest, it will bring clarity to what is. That is all you can do. I get it. I cannot imagine dating right now. At all. But i can imagine meeting someone and being honest. That's all i have right now. Transparency and honestly. My love would want me to be happy and honest also. Have courage and tell Your truth.
I haven't been dating yet, but I've noticed that there is a bigger difference than just grief between the widowed and those who have been out there dating for a long time. They work fast, and they are easily offended (they would say hurt). We've come from love (most of us here or we wouldn't be here) and it's just a different world. We want to be sure, and our hands are more open because we know that real love stays without needing to be held down. A lot of them have been hurt too many times not to grab on a little too tightly. It's been a long time since Owfw posted on this thread, I'm wondering if he made it through the rough spots with his new friend, or if they broke up for good?
To anyone who helped me through my first couple years i want to thank you all. it was a hard struggle.
About the woman who i spoke of in this thread.. she left and came back many many times up until about a couple months ago.
She pretty much wanted a sexual relationship with me towards the end. and i tired to handle it.. but it's not what i wanted. so in the end i let it die off.
And ended up finding the most lovely woman in return.
She is someone i have known of for 13 years who is a coworker.
About 2 months ago she started talking to me as she left in the morning being she works graveyard.
We hit it off and have been dating for about 5 weeks and we have talked and texted in that time More than the whole relationship of my last one.
I have already feel like i am falling in love and can already tell this is the one i want to spend my life with.
Shes 16 years younger,but we both have commented on how it feels like we have been together for years,It is the most odd feeling for me to feel total trust and love for someone so soon. but i love everything about her and I know she really feels the same being she has been alone for 16 years because she never has found someone she cared for until now.
And i am so glad she came into my life. I wish i would have talked to her before i met the last one.
And i know i love her because i dont get intimate with anyone unless there is love involved, that being why my wife who passed and the ex girlfriend were the only two women i had been with prior to this past weekend. and my new love has been with one man 16 years ago due to the same reason.
we both love the same things in life and our personalities sync up perfectly. So i think i found a new soulmate.
Best of all i trust her fully,something greatly lacking in my last love, And without trust i think thats why the last one failed over and over.
I'll try and come one more and leave an update or two.
Again thanks to all who helped me!
I have looked up old bfs after my husband's death. I really didn't want to start over with someone new. But when I saw them, I remembered why he won out. (I think they remembered why I didn't win with them, too, to be honest.)
I also dated a new person, briefly. On one horrible date, listening to the music he liked and I hated (OMG, Barry Manilow! Ugh) I could almost hear my husband whispering in my ear, "I'm glad I'm dead, so I don't have to put up with this crap." When I realized I was comparing my disastrous date to 20 years of a good marriage, I let him go. It just wasn't fair to him.
Also, I didn't want to rock my kids' world. I focused on raising them, spending money on their educations and taking them on good trips. I am glad not to have had to take a new person into account as I made these investments in my kids and my relationship with them. I am now looking forward to the departure of my youngest. When he's gone, then I can look into dating. I am 55 and don't think it's too late for me.
I have now been on my own for almost 5 years. I have to say, I like it. I have friends, warm family, my husband's old buddies checking on me from afar, a good career. I can manage my life ok and I like the independence and strength I've built. If Mr. Right comes along a second time, great. For now, though, what I have is enough.
With that background, and reading your post and the one further down a couple of times, I'm getting a feeling that you know you really are not in a good place for dating. First, It's too soon, not in time, but in your process. (Dating still feels like cheating on your wife.) Second, you have a daughter to raise, and she probably would not appreciate having her mom's former rival take her mom's place. Finally, you don't have to date now just to have someone later. You may think you're "not the greatest looking" and "a scruffy older man," but look around you. There are some truly elderly people, some truly ugly people and even some people who are both old and ugly out there dating perfectly happily! Then go back and look in the mirror and see others clearly already see in you. Also, you are financially solvent, which is a definite draw. Last, you have already proven yourself to be a loyal husband, because you kept your vow to stay with your wife so long as you both shall live, and that's an attractive trait as well.
You're right that you can't ask gf #2 to hang around indefinitely in the hopes that she'll get you someday. If you know you really can't give her what she wants and deserves, let her walk away. Maybe someday the timing will be right, but it clearly isn't now. When the time is right, and the person is right, you'll really know. You have the power to make yourself be okay on your own in the meantime. Good luck!