Two weeks before Melissa died, she looked at me and said "I want you to get married again". She went on to say she did not think I was the kind of person who would do well without a wife. The only stipulation she put on it was to "don't marry some bimbo that will spend all our savings". I notice there are a lot of people on here that have been widowed for many years without finding a new partner. Have any of you been in the same situation where your spouse gave you permission to remarry prior to passing?
Well, I know my Melinda knew that I wouldn't do well alone...and I hate it. And - full disclosure - about two years after she passed, I did have a short "long-distance" relationship...the lady in question was also a widow, and is a wonderful person....but...didn't work out - and I expect it should not have worked out. Like I said, she's a great and wonderful person, but I know now that what I was looking for was desperately to not be alone. To feel even one-tenth of what I felt with my Melinda.
So I'm not sure if this is the same, but I also know that being alone...sucks...I mean I was a very lucky man to have been with a woman like my Mel for 25 years. But being alone...does suck. And but and however - everyone is different....so if has to make sense for you, you know?
Thing to watch though - I'd say - is this - after a while, as much as I hate being alone - one gets used to it, and one gets very set in one's alone ways.......
You're right about that, TimeLord! I'm kind of enjoying the fact that I'm not accountable to anyone as long as I mow the lawn (well, I'm on the HOA Board!) and pay my bills. My refrigerator, freezer and pantry contain an eccentric mix of fresh fruits and vegetables, two kinds of quinoa, Black Bean Burgers, very little meat or processed foods and a plentiful supply of scotch. *I* have sole access to the TV remote. When I had the HOA Board here for a meeting last month I realized I hadn't had anyone in the house since last December. I get out plenty so I'm no hermit but this is my retreat.
I can't imagine finding a man who would make me want to give all that up. It could happen but as time goes on (Ron died in November, 2016) it may become even less likely.
Edited to add an answer to the OP's question: Ron would probably be happy for me if I had another good marriage, "good" being the key word. I told the dear man a few months before he died of acute myeloid leukemia that I'd booked a cruise through the Panama Canal for April, 2017 (the doctor had said Ron was unlikely to last to the end of 2016 and he didn't). He was happy for me. In my case, I'd just say I definitely had "permission to be happy", regardless of whether it meant another relationship.
Athena thanks so much!!!!!
It's so true that adjustment back from being...single...but like you said it would have to be someone very special.
And...one doesn't know if such can happen. Btw...that cruise sounds amazing.
(So you're on the board of you HOA? I'm feuding with...the fools running mine. If I leave...our house, it'll be because of them.)
Well, TimeLord, our Board is dealing with a guy whose property is such a mess all the neighbors are complaining (he recently tried to cremate one of his dogs in the back yard after it died), another homeowner whose deck construction has gone on for 2 years, and one woman who left her property with renters (against the regs) and is hiding out in FL with a former NFL player and has popped out 3 kids. We hear they're getting married. She's years behind on her dues. I hope you're not doing any of those things!
Yes, that cruise was amazing, and so were the other two major trips I've taken since Ron died. We were a match made in heaven when it came to travel- modest tastes in just about everything else but travel was a priority. Last week I was watching a show on Netflix about British people looking to relocate to Europe ("Escape to the Continent") and one couple was looking in Croatia. We'd been to Dubrovnik and had kayaked around the city walls and I recognized so much of it. Ron was genuinely happy to know that I had every intention of exploring interesting places even after he was gone. I'm taking some of his ashes to Scotland (we loved Edinburgh and had been there 4 times) in September.
Sorry to get off the subject of marriage, but I think the same principle applies. Our loved ones would probably want us to be happy, whether it includes marriage or not.
I believe Bob would want me to be happy. Tomorrow he will be gone 5 years. I have met a few nice men but I am only interested in friendship. After living alone for 5 years I know I don’t want to share myself, my home and my money. It does get lonely. Bob and I traveled a lot including cruising. I have been on 6 solo cruises. I enjoyed the ships and the entertainment but it wasn’t the same without him. I am in the same house even though it is too big for me. We built this house 25 years ago and I don’t want to give it up. I like my community. Bob was an avid book collector and I still have all his books. I plan to call my local library and donate these books. I feel that after 5 years it is time for others to enjoy them. We are all traveling an unwanted road and we have to try to find some happiness. It is difficult. Peace to all.
Cruises are fun!!!! But...how do you do it yourself? And forgive me - please forgive me if this sounds sexist, but is that...easier for widows than widowers? A man in his early 50's traveling alone....
Sometimes I think if I'd travel I'd pretend it's a business trip...you know check into someplace by a beach but make sure the checkin people (who couldn't care any less I'm sure) would think I'm there on business...so it's not weird to be travelling alone...
Interesting thought,,, since more women outlive their husbands there are more of us traveling solo.
I can think of only one solo man on my group trips. One 60-ish guy was with his 30-ish son, one guy on the Central America cruise was with his 80-something mother (a wonderful, dynamic lady) and was heading afterwards ti Switzerland where his GF was working, one was divorced and with his 11-year old daughter. The only solo male traveler I can remember was on an Alaska cruise- his wife just didn't enjoy travel so she cheerfully stayed home. He blended in well. I don't think you should let that stop you unless you're headed for some romantic all-inclusive resort targeted to honeymooners.
Hello Athena - kids and I (23 and 19 now) had vacations every year since my wife passed except last year. Now son is with GF so they're not interested I'm sure (though honestly she probably would be) and daughter goes from one second with "I'm not going on a vacation with my 50 year old father" to "we need to go somewhere nice, because...we don't get to go anywhere" blah blah blah. So it's either YES or NO - depending on how she feels. Meh...so will see.
I honestly enjoy traveling with people with whom I can share the experience with - even if it's sitting on a beach (which I love) - you know?
The first time I cruised solo I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea, but it was. I have met quite a few solo cruisers. When I cruise I join into activities that I enjoy, especially trivia. It is a good way to meet new people. I have all my meals in the dining room and I also ask to sit with others. The one thing I don’t like is that the cruise lines charge a single supplement which usually is 100%. I don’ t think there is any difference if you are a widow or widower. I have found people including couples to be very friendly.
BObbysgirl you are far far far braver than me - and I truly admire (and am a bit jealous of) people who can do what you do!
Hello Athena - no, my issue with the HOA is that I've been here since 1997 and constantly peppered with clean up porch (don't have a porch) etc. Daughter is telling me to move...honestly I see the hOA here as a clique that goes only against those that aren't their friends...plus assigning me a parking space three blocks away...but anyways...oh and $100/mo for...nothing. Sorry. Long rant!
I wonder if I know how to be happy any more.
I was annoyed with my HOA because they were not treating homeowners equally. I live in Florida and we have a statute concerning “selected enforcement “. I sent the HOA an email reminding them that they were in violation of Fl Statute chapter 720 if they were practicing selcted enforcement. I imagine other states have similar laws. It might be worth your time to check it out in your state.