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Hello all.  I am widowed for about 6 years now.  I have a teenage boy, 15.  I have been seeing a man for about 2 years.  As we go further along, he wants to do less with my son.  He doesn't want to take him places, do things with him.  He will take us to dinner, pay for mine and expect me to pay for my sons. We had an argument on Saturday and I told him that there are people out there who actually marry widows and adopt the child as their own (I know, sarcastic..).  He told me if that's what I wnt I need to go out and find it.  That hurt.  My question is, am I expecting too much from a relationship?  Anyone who has any experience on this, I would greatly appreciate it.  Thanks..

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Good answer, Patience! I agree with every word.

Hi Barbee, I think about your rock Metaphor often. Yes, resources are very limited, and I am thankful for finding this group. One issue I have are questions that are widowed based on how to set up one's futures. This board is very good in relating the loss and the base of a widowhood lifestyle.
The challenge is where to look for local resources, and networking with widowed professionals. I know my divorce friends do this all the time. It is like I am where I do not have the availability of these type of connections.
PS It would be nice to have a local compassionate think tank team........

Carolynski123 I look at it this everyone has said...we didn't choose to be looking again but here we are.  Look for someone who has it all, for you.  Don't settle and don't compromise what you and your family needs.  You have been through enough, if you are going to push through it and choose to date again,open your heart again, make it for someone who is truly worthy.  I know we are all such a sponge for affection and that day to day partnership and that makes us very vulnerable if not needy but long term we need to be as protective of our hearts and souls as much as we are our children and finances, etc. Just my two cents.

Barbee, I am having a hard time with the message system. Here is an email address I set up for the widow board.
[email protected] I can send the response via email........


I am in charge of Mutual Care (pastoral care) in my small church and am glad we already had an after church on Sunday lunch group for widows. I can ask others to join that. I find that church and the lunch and coffee afterwards fills in most of Sunday for me.  I hated Saturdays as that seemed to be my loneliest time but now if someone asks me if I would like to do something on a Saturday I always say yes.  This is not dating but more like going for a walk around the markets with another family or one of the widows meeting with me for coffee.

I also make phone calls for three months after a bereavement, usually one every two weeks so I know how the widow/widower is doing. It seems strange but in a way because I am a widow I can handle this well. I wouldn't have been able to do so in the first year but can do it now without thinking of my own situation. So good things do come out of this after all.

Run! It appears to me that this man has been pretending up until now. He is now showing his true colors. Now I may be completely wrong, but that is what I see looking in from the outside.

Only1sue It sounds like that you are focused in ways that helps. I notice points of interest drives away loneliness. Keep the good work up that you enjoy.

This is an old thread but I am hoping to revive it because I have a two fold reason; I need to vent and I need advice.  Venting: I know quite a few single moms in my age range (30’s) who have been divorced.  A lot of them have glamorized my widowhood and when I tell them that they never want to have to go through the loss of a spouse they try to “out do” me with verbal renditions of their dramatic divorce.  Having never gone through a divorce, I am sure that it was painful and there is hurt and grief for the loss of the marriage.  Since they have never gone through the death of a spouse, they don’t know what that loss is like.  Anyways, it has been 16 months since my DH passed and I am still not ready to date or I am just very fearful to date.  My friends and acquaintances who have been divorced are already dating; some as soon as 4 months after they filed for divorce!  One of them is dating a widower and says that she completely understands what he has been through since she has gone through a divorce!  Urg!  They don't understand why I can't just start dating again and "move on".


Advice please: I find that single men my age act awkward and tend to end the conversation when they find out that I have been widowed.  If and when I am ready to date how do I tell someone that I am a widow without scaring them off?  If I date a man that is divorced, I fear he will never understand how my loss of a spouse is different than his loss of a spouse.  Have any of you found that dating after being widowed has created conflict in future relationships? 

Hi pufferfish, this is very common. First, it seems what propels the devorcee is bitterness. The widowed is propelled with the grief of the loss. They are 180 degrees apart, or completely opposite. There pool is also much bigger, and base on I will show the louse.

In a sense we are caught in our past success. In a way I believe the more success one had the more the trapped feelings.


Just be patient, Pufferfish.   Being widowed is not the same thing as divorce, like David said.    You will know when the right time to date is and when you have met the right person.   

I have been divorced and widowed and though there may be some commonality, they are not the same. It is hard to imagine why anyone would think they are close, they just aren't. Divorce certainly stirs up a lot of emotion and unhappiness but you cannot compare it to grief. Grieving takes a whole lot more energy and time and you do not get over these feelings like you do in divorce. Instead, we learn how to live with it. It takes a long time!

I am not really interested in dating, however, I think that decision is best left to a time when you feel emotionally stable and ready. Let it be your timeline--not that of your well-meaning friends. If when you are ready to date and the fact you are a widow scares someone off, well then they probably would not be a good match anyway. It becomes part of who we are and we cannot change that or would we want to. As Lupe's husband says, "you will know when the right time to date is and when you have met the right person". Both he and David have offered very solid advice!

Callie, you are so right. I have also been divorced and widowed, and the thing that gripes me is that my ex is still alive and my wife of 30 years is gone. I agree that you will know when it is the right time to date.


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