My husband died on January 25, a little over 3 weeks ago. Does this gnawing, gut-wrenching grief ever go away??? This grief is like nothing I've experienced. I cry and I cry and I get no relief, no release. There is always more in there it feels like it'll never end. I don't stop crying because I can, I stop crying because I make my self sick, my head hurts, I feel nauseated, and I force myself to stop. Today is so bad, I feel like I can't get up off the floor. I don't want do this. Why can't he just come home.
I'm sorry that you are here, but here is the best place to be. Let me answer your question with a truthful answer. The pain of loss will always be with you. It is a part of your life. BUT, it will get softer. In time you will be able to speak with others, laugh with others, and rebuild your life as a single person. It does occur, but it does take time. There is no magic way around the pain. We each have to go through it. Even side stepping it will yield an easing of that pain, but it will sneak around you and bite you.
Talking about your husband, marriage, and his death with others will help. If you choose to write in a journal, or here in a Blog, in the forums, or in the groups, each time you go through it, you will find yourself adding more detail, and over time, you will have forced yourself into an understanding, and a calm.
In your question you asked some of the very same questions I did when I attended my first Grief Group meeting. Four years later, I can tell you that while it never "goes away" it does get softer and will actually fade to the back of your mind allowing you to become your new self. The intensity fades, the memories, especially the wonderful ones, are still there, ready to be brought forward and enjoyed whenever you want.
Frank, your response really helped me yesterday. I have had a rough three days. I had actually told my daughter on Friday that I just wanted to get the place when I could enjoy our memories rather than be torn up by them. And you came back and told me that it will happen at some point. Thank you. This grief is so intense, it is hard to imagine enduring it much longer. I guess that I don't have a choice, but it is comforting to know that it will soften. thank you
Yes, I am 8 months out and doing much better than I was at 3 weeks. Not as much better as I would like, but I would say that if the 3 week mark was Level 10 pain then I am now at Level 5-6 pain.
But you have to experience the pain. There is no sidestepping it or distracting yourself or skipping over it. You just have to go through it. It will wax and wane on its own, eventually. It is the most excruciating thing ever. It will subside, and then come in waves.
Be gentle with yourself.
Thank you, Anna. I am trying not to block or sidestep my emotions as they come through. Which of course means that one second I am smiling at a cute memory of my husband and the next moment I am sobbing. But I am just tying to let it all roll through.
I know honey. It's exactly like that. Sending hugs.
I'm so sorry your feeling such intense pain. Do you have any family or close friends you can lean on ? ... I did most of my crying 2 years ago when he was first diagnosed... But my tears come at the most unexpected times. I think I got more NUMB every time we had to go to the hospital for another tumor to be taken out.
Do your best to get some rest.
I appreciate you all for sharing this. I have been consumed by the loss. It has been 16 days since I lost my husband. And while I have moments where I can say 'I'm okay', it is brief and followed by the gut wrenching ache. I have a constant rock in my chest. I have a lot of support and kids to take care of but the distraction is only momentary. The pain is always there.
I am so sorry, Maddieluv. Right now, 4 weeks in, the ache is constant and the moments that I feel OK are terribly brief. Reading other posts in this forum gives me hope that in the future, those two will switch places and I will feel better more often than not. Hugs to you and your children.
Our 19-year old daughter still lives at home, so that helps. And my parents are nearby. They are very supportive - my dad actually spent the day with me today, since I couldn't concentrate on work. But no one understands. My parents still have each other. My daughter is grieving in her own way. My friends have not yet experienced this nightmare.
I am so grateful that I found this group. It really helps to know what others are experiencing.
I have tried to explain to others the loss, that I grieve for the loss within my family, the loss of a father and son and brother, but that I experience that sadness with the loss of a best friend, partner, lover, all of it. That my loss comes with the loss of all my future plans, my confidant, the intimacy of having my person with me. The loss encompasses every part of my life. I know I could not comprehend that level of loss before this and I hate that I can relate to it now. We should have had a lifetime, but instead it was cut short. That loss has no relief right now.
I too am grateful that while this loss is unfair and nothing we should have to experience, there are those who can understand and give hope that one day life may not seem so awful.
It's hard for others in my family to understand this.... But they try... My neighbor across from me is a widow. She is a big help to me. She understands. But next to having someone who has been through this, is probably this site.
I know what you mean by " loss Of Your Future Plans " ... We had all kinds of plans too. One big plan was to remodel our kitchen and dining room into one room. ... Then to also travel... At least we went on our Alaskan Cruise in 2010.. We made wonderful memories there !
I pray that your heart soon starts to heal.
I am really struggling again today. Fridays are hard, as I don't work on Fridays, and my husband and I always did something together. Each moment of grief is different, and today I am struggling with the fact that we didn't talk about his death. My husband was so afraid of dying that he refused to discuss it. He had advanced COPD, and stage 4 CKD, and we had NO discussions about his death. When he caught the flu that finally took him away from me, we assumed that he would recover - and he did so for a few days. We were already talking about care options at home, and some changes that he wanted to make as far as tending to his health. But then he took a turn for the worse, and it was clear that he wasn't coming home. Even then, the only way that I knew that he was aware of his condition was the fact that he would cuss every once in awhile, lying there in the ICU. He wouldn't look at me, just stare off into space and cuss, in both English and French (he moved to the US when he was 20). Then he would look at me with his sad eyes and squeeze my hand. I wish that we could have talked about it. It's tearing me apart today. I don't know why it matters. But for this moment right now, it does, and I'm trying to just let it roll through...