My husband died on January 25, a little over 3 weeks ago. Does this gnawing, gut-wrenching grief ever go away??? This grief is like nothing I've experienced. I cry and I cry and I get no relief, no release. There is always more in there it feels like it'll never end. I don't stop crying because I can, I stop crying because I make my self sick, my head hurts, I feel nauseated, and I force myself to stop. Today is so bad, I feel like I can't get up off the floor. I don't want do this. Why can't he just come home.
There is a lot of wisdom in what RCH has posted.
Early on, we all believe/think/hope that the so-called "five-stages of grief" path is linear (OK! Done with Anger! What comes next?) when it just doubles back and smacks us in the face (or gut) again. Nor are you are not "sliding back", Lostmyeverything. This is the nature of grief. You will get sucker-punched again, but after some time, you'll notice that you're having more and more "good" days and fewer "bad" ones. Just keep cutting yourself a break, and keep reading and posting.
I'm here to learn and sometimes one learns by sharing their perspectives and experiences, and then being open to what others post in response. I've also found that simply "uploading" my thoughts into a forum like this helps give some structure to what I'm feeling, rather than just leaving it a muddle inside my head. So perhaps just the act of posting here is its own kind of therapeutic process which one can benefit from, even if they never receive any constructive advice or sympathetic support from others. (But thankfully, those both seem to be in ample supply here.)
Wow, this is so well written. My husband died in July 2016. I feel so many of things you mention, not wanting this life or hating this new life. I don't know how I'm surviving , but I am. Maybe its like you said, you're here because of your love and respect for your wife. I'm still here because Mike would want me to continue to take care of our two daughters and new grandson. He would want me to continue to take care of this farm we built together. It does help to do things that honor them or show your respect for them. I was not a gardener but Mike was. So this spring , I cleaned his garden and have planted new vegetables. He loved his little dog named Bella. I make sure she is happy and well loved. Even with all these people and things, I don't seem to have a passion for life like I use to. Hopefully it will come back to me.
Listen I am sorry for your loss. I lost my wife of 39 years about the same time. Some days are OK some are not. I have talked with numerous people in the same phase of life we are in. The more you converse the more we learn we are not alone. I truly believe that the more we connect with other that have and are going do the same path as us, the more it help us move forward. Just don't ever think you are alone on this journey.