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My husband died on January 25, a little over 3 weeks ago.  Does this gnawing, gut-wrenching grief ever go away???  This grief is like nothing I've experienced.  I cry and I cry and I get no relief, no release.  There is always more in there it feels like it'll never end.  I don't stop crying because I can, I stop crying because I make my self sick, my head hurts, I feel nauseated, and I force myself to stop.  Today is so bad, I feel like I can't get up off the floor.  I don't want do this.  Why can't he just come home.

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My husband was diagnosed Jan 10, 2012 with stage IV metastatic renal carcinoma... Kidney cancer that spread.
He did not have any symptoms.
When the oncology team came to his room to deliver the news and discuss the treatment plan, myself and our 3 adult children were there. When the team verbalized the devastating blow I wanted to scream!! I'm in healthcare, I 'Knew' what the diagnosis meant... But... At that moment our 3 kids all looked at me and simultaneously cried out, "MOM"!
I knew in that split second how I reacted would determine their reaction through this process... So, where the strength came from I don't know, I just calmly said, "It is what it is... We can whine and cry and wonder why... Or we can band together and fight this thing, and that's exactly what we're gonna do".
My husband didn't see me cry. He knew I was sad... But I knew he didn't have the strength to be comforting me...
I kept a journal. I didn't want to forget anything. I wanted... Needed to write down his words... His thoughts, fears... My thoughts, my fears... Everything.
We did talk, Guilloma. About everything.
He told me to date again... We bought plots and a headstone... We thanked each other... We experienced a new, deeper kind of love...
Our kids said the experience was the worst 7 months of their lives... But the best 7 months of their lives. We went through his journey as a family...
I love my husband so very much. I miss him every day... Which is why I know, for me, I could never date again... I've had the best... My life is filled with grandkids, and kids, and Church, and my little P/T job...
Life can be full again... Different... But full.


   I have no idea where my strength came from either....  I also kept a journal while he was sick.. At first I just needed to keep track of how he was everyday, and what he said etc. ... But I have kept writing a little bit everyday.... So far I have filled 2 books. ... I keep finding myself re reading the journal that I kept while he was in the hospital. Nothing is going to change. I also keep listening to the recordings I made while each of his doctors talked. ( I recorded Drs. appts... I love listening to him talk on those recordings.) 


Nothing like the pain of losing your spouse.  The other half of you.  I threw up for 6 months. Lost 50 pounds in 4 months.  I couldn't believe how much it hurt.

We had no time to talk, no last words, he was just gone.  His family has been good.  But I still had to go through all that grief myself.  I wish I knew about this site back then.  I learned I should not have opened up to people, & should have kept things in.  Only open up to people, like on this website, people who get it.

I wish someone would have told me that.

It's incredibly, shockingly painful.  I had no idea; could have no idea.  And, sadly, you are right - you can't really open up to people who have not gone through it - they just don't know.  

I was not really expecting the physical pain.  Not being able to breathe.  My left shoulder in a tight mess.  The ache in my chest.  It's a wonder anyone physically survives this.  I have lost 12 pounds since Michel passed.  Our daughter has turned into a pushy bulldog and won't stop bugging me about food.  But it's hard to care about eating and I can't swallow the food anyway - it just gets stuck in my throat. 

This site is a godsend.

The food was getting stuck in my throat as well. I can swallow now, soon to be 4 months out, but it just kind of sits their in my throat....the whole day. The hard to breathe is better, still returns some days

I feel this stabbing raw grief again today.  Tomorrow is exactly 8 weeks since he passed; plus it's the 22nd which we honored every month as "our day" (we met on May 22).  It is all overwhelming me right now.  I just want him to come home.  

My daughter made me a plate of food before she left for work; I gave it to the dog after she went out the door.  


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