My husband died on January 25, a little over 3 weeks ago. Does this gnawing, gut-wrenching grief ever go away??? This grief is like nothing I've experienced. I cry and I cry and I get no relief, no release. There is always more in there it feels like it'll never end. I don't stop crying because I can, I stop crying because I make my self sick, my head hurts, I feel nauseated, and I force myself to stop. Today is so bad, I feel like I can't get up off the floor. I don't want do this. Why can't he just come home.
I have no idea where my strength came from either.... I also kept a journal while he was sick.. At first I just needed to keep track of how he was everyday, and what he said etc. ... But I have kept writing a little bit everyday.... So far I have filled 2 books. ... I keep finding myself re reading the journal that I kept while he was in the hospital. Nothing is going to change. I also keep listening to the recordings I made while each of his doctors talked. ( I recorded Drs. appts... I love listening to him talk on those recordings.)
Nothing like the pain of losing your spouse. The other half of you. I threw up for 6 months. Lost 50 pounds in 4 months. I couldn't believe how much it hurt.
We had no time to talk, no last words, he was just gone. His family has been good. But I still had to go through all that grief myself. I wish I knew about this site back then. I learned I should not have opened up to people, & should have kept things in. Only open up to people, like on this website, people who get it.
I wish someone would have told me that.
It's incredibly, shockingly painful. I had no idea; could have no idea. And, sadly, you are right - you can't really open up to people who have not gone through it - they just don't know.
I was not really expecting the physical pain. Not being able to breathe. My left shoulder in a tight mess. The ache in my chest. It's a wonder anyone physically survives this. I have lost 12 pounds since Michel passed. Our daughter has turned into a pushy bulldog and won't stop bugging me about food. But it's hard to care about eating and I can't swallow the food anyway - it just gets stuck in my throat.
This site is a godsend.
I feel this stabbing raw grief again today. Tomorrow is exactly 8 weeks since he passed; plus it's the 22nd which we honored every month as "our day" (we met on May 22). It is all overwhelming me right now. I just want him to come home.
My daughter made me a plate of food before she left for work; I gave it to the dog after she went out the door.